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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

If I confiscate from my son, he confiscates from me. Help!

71 replies

Nipplesunited · 26/11/2017 11:27

This is starting to drive me insane.
He is 13. He refuses to go to school. This has resulted in me taking away his xbox, tv and internet. Until he returns to school. Simple, right?
No! He has taken the plug to the wifi hub so that everyone else in the house also has no access to anything. Everything is through the internet. I dont even have the normal tv channels.

He will give it back when he gets his stuff back.
I didnt watch tv anyway so im not bothered but his younger brothers do, and im not very well at the minute with my mental health. Allowing them to watch a bit tv or play a game now and then has been a lifesaver for me.

I dont know what to do other than giving him his shit back, but i really dont want to since it defeats the whole purpose. He has not been to school for 3 weeks now

OP posts:
CancellyMcChequeface · 26/11/2017 11:39

Why isn't he going to school? Obviously taking the plug isn't acceptable, but I think the response to this should be very different if, for example, he's depressed, bullied or afraid of attending school, rather than bunking off because he can't be bothered or to go have fun with friends instead.

Fattymcfaterson · 26/11/2017 11:41

Get in ebay and buy a new plug.
Then search his room for the one he stole.

Personally I'd strip is room, tell his his stuff is now permanently gone unless he gives it back.

Dont let him bully you

Original poster
Nipplesunited · 26/11/2017 11:45

He isnt going to school simply due to the fact he doesnt want to.
There are other agencies involved, such as social workers. There really are no underlying reasons as to why he isnt attending.

I have thought about purchasing another plug but he would probably just do the same again. I couldnt find one online but i will have another look.

He has nothing but books atm. I told him in a temper this morning that i was going to sell his xbox to make up for the wasted money im spending on the internet that nobodu has access to. Which i shouldnt have done but im fed up

OP posts:
Blackcatonthesofa · 26/11/2017 11:47

I'd be tempted to hire two big bouncers, have them physically pick him up and bring him to school (in pj's or whatever) and stay with him during the day. But then I don't do bullshit about important stuff (school, job) well.

00100001 · 26/11/2017 11:48

Errrrr.... Just go into his room and take it back???

Why is 13 yo holding you to ransom???

Original poster
Nipplesunited · 26/11/2017 11:49

I dont know where it is. He also hides my stuff outside.

OP posts:
MrsMotherHen · 26/11/2017 11:50

Go buy another plug and a lock for your bedroom but the hub in there and lock the door and because of that lovely stunt he pulled sell his xbox dont just call his bluff do it.

00100001 · 26/11/2017 11:50

Cancel the Internet completely.

Get a mobile dongle just for you and DH don't give him the password etc.

Then he can have his xbox back with no Internet. If other kids in house complain, send them to your DS and he can explain to them that his twatty behaviour caused this.

00100001 · 26/11/2017 11:51

So, look for it??? Confused

Why are you letting him "win"?

DullAndOld · 26/11/2017 11:56

what 001 said. Cancel the internet and get yourself a dongle or go on BT wifi/BT wifi with Fon that only you and ur partner know the password for.
As for school... just enlist as much help as you can from the 'authorities' - a spell in a PRU might do the trick.

DullAndOld · 26/11/2017 11:57

and Blackcat if you really think school and SS would look kindly on parents who did that to a teenager, you need to wake up.

Original poster
Nipplesunited · 26/11/2017 11:57

I have looked. I dont know where he has hid it.

Would a dongle be able to be used for the tv and stuff as well? Could it be moved from room to room etc?

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 26/11/2017 11:57

Oh dear this is really not good op - this is setting you up for huge problems in the future. Your children must respect what you say, the younger ones will be watching this and picking up on it also.
Replace your hub and sell his Xbox. No more games consoles/WiFi for him until he starts going to school and respecting you as his parent. If the hub goes missing again then absolutely no privileges until it comes back. If you need support with behavioural issues then speak to the school ASAP and ask for help.

Heratnumber7 · 26/11/2017 11:59

It will do your other DCs good to not use the Internet for a while. It’s a lovely day - send them outside to play.

However, you need to get a grip with your child.
Taking the bedroom door off worked with our DD.
Or you could take everything out of his room except the bed, including clothes, and let him earn things back for time spent at school etc.

Time for tough love OP.

DullAndOld · 26/11/2017 12:00

Nipples use BT wifi/BT wifi with fon.
Certainly if you have a device in every room then this will cover it.
not sure about the TV.
Do you think that having a device in every room/TV is a good idea..in terms of family communication...

DullAndOld · 26/11/2017 12:01

and if you do not nip this in the bud, by the time he is 15/16 he will be robbing your car while you sleep. Trust me I have been there.

youarenotkiddingme · 26/11/2017 12:04

He sounds angry.

There must be more to the not going to school other than “don’t want to”.

It’s highly unusual for a teen to not want social contact at all during day which is what they get at school. He’s obviously not telling anyone but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a reason - especially if this behaviour is out of the blue and a sudden change from the norm for him?

Easy to get another plug and rewire and take hub with you when you go out. Agree with looking access to it when you are all home.

But I do think you need to get to the bottom of what’s up with ds - punishment will only serve to make him angrier and that won’t solve the situation - it’ll just get more negative and worse.

Original poster
Nipplesunited · 26/11/2017 12:05

The only tv and device that is used by my younger two is in the living room and it isnt often as we are out a lot.
It has just killed me this weekend as younger two have been at their dads and i have done nothing.
My depression has been bad lately and i was just getting my interest of gaming back and i couldnt play because of him.

Might sound stupid but it helps relieve a lot of stress for me and i needed it.

OP posts:
Shutupanddance1 · 26/11/2017 12:08

Strip his room - of everything. I mean everything - leave the bed, bedding and his clothes. Sell his tv, Xbox and phone. He gets nothing until he gives you respect.

DullAndOld · 26/11/2017 12:09

look I am not criticising you at all, I wouldn't, but if you are gaming a lot, and he is stealing the wifi, is he trying to tell you something?

Mrscaindingle · 26/11/2017 12:09

Oh dear, I am also a single parent of 2 teenage boys and know how exhausting those battles can be but you absolutely must not let him get the upper hand here for all of your sakes especially his.

What are the school doing to support you as a family? I had the home liaison officer (the wag man in my day) on my phone contacts and would phone her in the morning and she came to the house a couple of times. Me telling DS1 that Susan (not her real name) was on her way over would get him up and in school. She would have gone in to his bedroom if need be but it never came to that. We still have the odd difficult morning but he goes to school and is now doing well academically. An understanding boss also helped as I was late quite a few mornings.

I know it is so hard doing this on your own but he has to understand that he is not in charge - you are!

Original poster
Nipplesunited · 26/11/2017 12:11

I think the problem with school is the change of class and teachers constantly. We are waiting to get a placement at a smaller school more suited to his needs.

This doesnt change the fact that he needs to attend though. He is not making any effort at all. As for his social life he is popular and is out when his friends finish school.
Grounding is not an option as he just ups and leaves anyway.

Confiscation and removal of wifi was the only consequence that ever worked and now that isnt even working. I am at a loss

OP posts:
Original poster
Nipplesunited · 26/11/2017 12:12

Dullandord - i dont game a lot. I have 3 children. When they are in bed i might get on for an hour or two but i havent been on at all for about 3 weeks and even that was for 30 mins when they were in bed

OP posts:
00100001 · 26/11/2017 12:13

I know a just turned 14 year old boy that refuses school, particularly the reason is he is addicted to his xbox, and he plays at night to talk to the Americans. So he is shattered during the day too.

So, he's addicted and staying up all night to his "friends", so when he was at school he easily struggling in all sorts of ways.

He refused school, slept during the day and went on Box at night.

I would take the xbox out of his room and only allow it in a shared family space.

Also, switch the Internet off at night. Look on your hub, you might be able to restrict access by device. Our PlusNet router allowed this. DS13 phone and tablet is restricted over WiFi after 10pm through until 6am. (He has to hand his phone over to us at bedtime anyway and tablet is charged downstairs) , but this prevents the sneaking down a bit more.

The Ps4 in the living room is restricted too, for my DH mostly... He gets cut off at 11pm. He found he wasn't able to self regulate for watching Netflix and this helped him.

DullAndOld · 26/11/2017 12:14

OK I am so sorry if I sounded critical.
I know how hard this is.Flowers