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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

If I confiscate from my son, he confiscates from me. Help!

71 replies

Nipplesunited · 26/11/2017 11:27

This is starting to drive me insane.
He is 13. He refuses to go to school. This has resulted in me taking away his xbox, tv and internet. Until he returns to school. Simple, right?
No! He has taken the plug to the wifi hub so that everyone else in the house also has no access to anything. Everything is through the internet. I dont even have the normal tv channels.

He will give it back when he gets his stuff back.
I didnt watch tv anyway so im not bothered but his younger brothers do, and im not very well at the minute with my mental health. Allowing them to watch a bit tv or play a game now and then has been a lifesaver for me.

I dont know what to do other than giving him his shit back, but i really dont want to since it defeats the whole purpose. He has not been to school for 3 weeks now

OP posts:
Original poster
Nipplesunited · 26/11/2017 16:18

My dd was diagnosed with ODD and he does display many similar traits. Just very mild in comparison.
I have suggested this and explained this to the school, but just like in my dd case no one seems to help.
My dd ended up in care 4 years ago due to ODD. I am terrified of my son going as far as she went. Social services didnt do anything then, either. They kept telling me "youre doing great. Keep doing what you are doing. She is just pushing boundaries".
Everyone knew there was more to it. The police took powers to force CS hand and then told me if i accept my dd back home then they will place child protection on my other 3 children and id risk losing them all.
My dd is finally calming down after many placements and 6-9 months in a secure unit.

There are no members of staff he gets on with. His time.in school now is putting his head on the desk. He wont do any work. Which is why i dont even believe home schooling would help.
He has been asked what he wants and he just says he doesnt want to go to school and isnt bothered about an education

OP posts:
DullAndOld · 26/11/2017 16:19

Also, please don't be scared of the EWO, we had to deal with one that was lovely and understanding and used to swing by in the morning to our remote house to make sure they were on their way to school, in a very kind and non judgemental way. His attitude was that school doesn't suit every child, but we just had to get through it together.

noblegiraffe · 26/11/2017 16:34

he doesnt want to go to school and isnt bothered about an education

Ok, so what are his plans for 5 year’s time when he’s an adult and has to stand on his own two feet?

youarenotkiddingme · 26/11/2017 16:45

What does he want to do?

Could he do HE and attend inter high (ask for it funded through EHCP and it’s cheaper than a school placement). Then look into him doing vocational courses through college as manager can be done from 14 years of age.

You need to find the hook into what will motivate him to comply and what will motivate him to change his behaviour.

Original poster
Nipplesunited · 26/11/2017 16:46

I havent heard from an EWO yet and he has been in and out for a year and a half now. The past 6 months have been more so on the not going and the past 3 weeks he hasnt been at all.

Alls i get now is a text daily to say he hasnt been in for registration at which i reply with the reasons why "refusal".

He is not bothered about his future. Its as if he isnt even considering it. He did want to be a firefighter or in the army but now hes not interested in those

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 26/11/2017 16:46

What the incident with the window shows is that if you turn this into a battle of wills, he will win. He is prepared to shit in his own nest to make a point, so withholding his xbox isn’t going to break him.

youarenotkiddingme · 26/11/2017 16:49

Have you ever look at pda strategies - they are great at working with very demand avoidant children.

Also have a read of Ross Greene - lives in the balance.

You cannot make someone’s brain work a different way to it’s wired. You can find a way to work with someone by thinking out of the box.

Original poster
Nipplesunited · 26/11/2017 16:51

The only other thing is by not giving any consequences to his actions.
Just letting him do what he wants, which he seems to do anyway by ignoring everything.
He even has a caution on his record for graffiti. He has been to triage for criminal damage and his first contact with police was assault.
The assault scared the life out of him as he didnt realise his own strength so now refuses to fight no matter what.

Is letting him do what he wants and never issuing a consequence an option? Could he learn from his own mistakes like he did the assault?

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 26/11/2017 16:59

Tell him you will sell the things you've confiscated to pay for what he has taken. And any lost internet time/money.

Then follow through.

Whensmyturn · 26/11/2017 20:14

I just want to say how impressed I am with your consideration for your son. Despite incredibly difficult circumstances you have tried as many different strategies as you can to tackle this. I think some posters underestimate the difficulty of dealing with an ingenious teenage boy (they are impressive in opposing authority). I take my hat off to you. I have no suggestions although I think maybe some good cop after the bad cop might be good. See if you can get some connection going with him (is that possible or does he not care?).

Starlight2345 · 26/11/2017 20:30

Op..In many ways you sounds completely worn down and defeated.

I agree with the posters who say stop the war. My DS has ADHD suspected PDA.

Removing items never make a difference , he will tantrum then get over it.

My son is younger but one of the best things that work for me ( and I am sure some on MN will be up in arms ) is we go out for the day . Do something we can do together so that we reconnect. It helps him open up.

Would he do some school work at home? Is there a subject he likes as a way in?

You need him to let you back in.

Original poster
Nipplesunited · 26/11/2017 21:31

After a lot of thought i decided to report it as a theft.
I see what people are saying about ending the war etc. But when i think about it, i have tried every approach imaginable over these past 18 months. He has no respect, not just for me but for anyone.

He deliberately stayed out of sight until police left. When i told him what they were here for and that they will be getting it back off him, he said "oh right. I was wondering why they were here" and off he went upstairs again without a care in the world.

I have tried good cop many times before, as have the school. He is the type of kid who will take several mile if you give him an inch.

The police will be out early wednesday morning. I think in an attempt to get him to school as well as getting the plug

OP posts:
CPtart · 26/11/2017 21:46

He sounds angry.
Where's his dad?

mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 26/11/2017 21:52

ODD is a form of autism isn't it? I wondered if he's on the autistic spectrum. Quite clever to take the WiFi plug. Not helpful though.

Starlight2345 · 26/11/2017 22:46

You called the police on your 13 year old son for theft of a plug? Shock

Original poster
Nipplesunited · 26/11/2017 22:59

When you put it like that it does sound horrendous. Its not only that though. He has trashed my home, smashed my tvs,put holes in my walls etc. Nothing seems to deter him of stop this kind of behaviour.
I am at a loss

OP posts:
Original poster
Nipplesunited · 26/11/2017 23:04

I also get verbal abuse daily

OP posts:
corythatwas · 28/11/2017 09:05

I know how bad it is to internet diagnose other people's children, but I do think there is plenty in your posts that suggests SN: the sensory issues (the window), the tit for tat mentality, the complete literalness, the struggle to keep still in class.

Also, I would not underestimate the effect on him of seeing his sister's struggles. I have a 17yo who has far fewer problems than yours, but he has very clearly been marked by seeing his sister struggling with SN (again, far less seriously than yours). It seems to have given him a fear of the future, a fear of trying hard, a fear of setting your heart on something and putting yourself into it. Fortunately he is still attending college and is polite if uncommunicative at home. But the attitude is in some ways similar to that of your ds. As for trying to physically force him to do anything, I just have a sense that that would be unsafe.

LionelMessy · 31/12/2017 21:21

I am late reading this,,,,, but
user "WhensMyTurn" 9 posts above makes good positive points.

Its more than just a stolen plug - its 18 months of torment.

My DS14 is angry, but nothing in comparison to what OP going thru.
I have no advice, but I think you trying your best, and come back update us when you can

petboy409 · 24/12/2023 11:18

you're lucky your son is honest and asks for a fair ransom, the ransom is giving him back his things, he is not asking you a reward from it, just to give him back what you stole from him, there is a reason confiscation works, and it is becuz it is quite rude, and your kid used your own weapon against you, confiscation is rude enough to work, but it is so rude that it may make us kids try to get revenge against adults, and that was what happened to you, but since your son is honest, he just asked as ransom to give him back what you stole from him, a bad son would ask you to compensate him by giving him more

00100001 · 24/12/2023 21:09

Six years old this thread is....SIX.

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