Worried about disengagement and lack of connection with 13 yr old DD!!

[pevie]

I'm worried about how disengaged my 13 year old has become since moving up to secondary school and how difficult it has become to connect to her in any way! I know some of it is normal teenage behaviour and attitudes but she says everything is boring, won't participate in any activities (except one) - talks negatively about her teachers and veers from being friends with other teens to saying she hates them!! She will be ok with us occasionally and chat but most of the time sneers and shouts at us if we try and engage her in conversation!! She has always been obsessed with being popular and mostly has large groups of friends and gets invited to parties but she flits about friends and spends all her time on her phone!! She got really upset when I took it away at bedtime the other night!! It's like an addiction!! When we on holiday or spend time with her she's better for a time but goes back to being like this when home!! I'm worried that the pressure of trying to keep up and be popular is causing her anxiety and she is struggling but won't talk about it!! Sorry about long ranting post!! Any thoughts greatly appreciated!!

The pressure on young girls to grow up so fast and to be pretty, popular and clever is enormous. It’s not surprising that so many are struggling. Sometimes they are trying so hard to keep up their public facade that we parents will get the brunt of it at home. Basically they are too emotionally immature to cope with all the come with being a teen these days.

I think it’s worth making sure there are no issues with school or friends etc. Then I would check if there are any problems with social media or online. Do you have access to her phone, if so can you check it out? I also think it’s vital to make sure she has no phone or devices in her room at night. The phone is addictive and it’s so important to have a break from it all while also getting some well needed sleep which will also improve mood. Other than that all I can say is hang in there it

*gets better

I agree with her handing over the phonexat bedtime. I’d switch it off and charge it in your room. We had issues with the eldest sneaking downstairs to retrieve their phone after we had fallen asleep.

She needs the rest from it if she is going to be able to study.

Thanks. Yes I agree that there is a lot of pressure on them and we often get brunt of it!! We went through a whole battle with phone in bedroom at night as she sets it for alarm in morning and looks at it when she gets up! I eventually relented as long as it was away from bed and on silent but still feel uncomfortable about it!! I just feel that there are so many battles sometimes that I try to minimise them! We have lots of limits and she generally follows them, e.g. When she comes home, helping out etc but they all feel like battles!! I guess if we think phone is worth revisiting we just need to bite the bullet!! I just feel it has been so emotionally tumultuous for us both!! I miss having a relationship with her but sometimes feel can't do right for doing wrong!!

OP there was a great thread recently, it may be still on going, about how to be a good parent? to teenagers. It got put in Classics so shouldn't be hard to find, with some great suggestions.