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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Suitable punishment/ discipline for this?

80 replies

isittimetogotobed · 28/10/2017 08:21

Dd is 15. She has had her nipple pierced!
Both me and her father are so disappointed. I think we were both so stunned that we haven't actually got around to any sort of punishment yet as we were just so shocked that a she had lied to us and b done something like this
What do you you think is an appropriate punishment?
Make her take it out?
Grounded?
No phone?
She has had a really hard time lately, feeling low/ bullied abit/ friendship stuff but is generally well behaved and achieving well at school.

I think a tummy button is one thing maybe bit a nipple is something else entirely

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 28/10/2017 14:03

nobody would be arguing about it being her body her choice, they would be stating that she's too young to give consent. This is no different.

I wouldn't.

BertrandRussell · 28/10/2017 14:03

Yes, but it isn't having sex, is it?

BertrandRussell · 28/10/2017 14:04

What would people be saying if it was her ear or her nose?

Blue09 · 28/10/2017 14:13

I got my nipple pierced when I wasn’t 15 and never told my parents (they never found out either & still don’t know to this day 14 years later!)

At the time it never once crossed my mind to ask/tell them. I saw it as my body my choice and I didn’t have parents who listened to me! I’d be very annoyed if my daughter did that though!

I think I would sit down and have a discussion about why she didn’t feel able to talk to you about it, and about keeping it clean etc. If you punish her and go mental she’s not going to feel able to confide in you in the future.

It may be a way for you to build on your relationship and open up communication between you so that she feels able to seek your views in the future.

Effic · 28/10/2017 14:21

I’m truly amazed at some of the replies on here. Your daughter has blantantly gone out and lied and deceived someone and tricked them into breaking the law! Your daughter is responsible for that - it’s a dreadful thing to do. So when she goes out and does the same to the barman at the pub and gets served under age, is that going to be ok too? Or it’ll be the bar staff’s fault for not spotting it.
What she has done is appalling and quite possibly, once you’ve reported them, costs someone their job. All because they were conned by your daughter.

notacooldad · 28/10/2017 14:30

What would people be saying if it was her ear or her nose?

I would see if it went against school rules, if yes, there's an issue. If not there is no problem.

Inkandbone · 28/10/2017 14:36

I hate piercings, but it's her body.

NellysKnickers · 28/10/2017 14:49

I wouldn't get worked up about it to be honest. Stealing, fighting etc then yes, go to town but not a piercing on her own body.

sinceyouask · 28/10/2017 14:51

It's her body. Why would you punish someone for choosing what to do with their own body? Honestly, some people on this board are weird.

JonSnowsWife · 28/10/2017 14:59

I have a bit of a fall out with a friend I confined in last night who was disgusted at my 'lack of action' thought I should be grounding/ getting it taken out/ shouting and going mad.

Your friend needs to butt out. How you choose to parent your child is up to you, and what is good for the Goose isn't always good for the Gander. If you punish her for this she'll only rebel further anyway .

I think reporting the issue to the police will be punishment in itself as she'll be embarrassed at the fuss she's caused. If you wish to punish her for lying fair enough but then I'd think a weekend without her phone would be more than sufficient. Not excusing what she's done but the 'owner' clearly doesn't know or doesn't give a shit that this is illegal.

I also have a 'friend' like this who lets her DCs run amok and then tries telling me how to deal with DCs. The only thing it had led to is me cutting my time right down with them. I suggest you do the same with this friend for your own sanity.

larrygrylls · 28/10/2017 15:13

What is the difference in terms of consent re sex and piercings? The law thinks you need to be 16 (18 for piercings?) to consent. Both can be dangerous.

CakesRUs · 28/10/2017 15:20

Yes teenagers are hard. You’re not being a bad parent, I think your considered approach isn’t due to apathy, it’s down to getting it right. Flowers

steppemum · 28/10/2017 15:20

my eldest is 15, and I am following my mums philospphy, which is that clothes, hair etc just are not worth fighting over. I would put out of sight piercings in theis group uo to a point, and the problem here is that she is under age.

In this case i would talk to her, would actually say - your body, your choice, this is in one way none of my business if it is what you want to do
BUT, and it is a big BUT, this has been done illegally, and explain why, and then say that is why you are unhappy, and why you wnat to follow this up.
Explain things like follow up, sterility and the need to protect children and follow up on this person who did it.

I would at some point follow this up with a conversation about respecting her choice, but understanding that at times there needs to be age limits, and talking about what she wants to do, and how she can compromise until it is legal.

IHaveBrilloHair · 28/10/2017 15:26

I had an agreement with my 16yr old, no tattoos or stretching until she's 18, she's put in an ear stretcher.
I just said I was upset and disappointed but it's ultimately her body and her choice.
I went with her and signed the consent form for her tongue piercing, she's got multiple piercings, none of them bother me, they look great on her.

specialsubject · 28/10/2017 18:24

The punishment is for lying and/or stupidity, as if the piercer knew she was a kid and still did it, there's a high risk of infection. Hopefully nothing permanent.

Chinnychinnychinnychib · 28/10/2017 19:44

I think your dd sounds a bit awesome actually! Loving the feminist vibe. And you're playing the long game here. Now she knows she can trust you not to freak out when she comes to you with something massive. Have faith! You're doing brilliantly.

Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds · 28/10/2017 19:47

Nothing. Yawn and tell her you think it’s terribly dreary.

Floralnomad · 28/10/2017 19:54

I really couldn't get too worked up about this , probably because I'd be more concerned about her doing something worse . It's really not the end of the world , I'd concentrate on finding out how and where it was done and get her an appointment with a nurse to check for signs of infection . I'd then have a very long chat about the fact that you are not an ogre and would appreciate the opportunity to discuss things with her in future rather than have her sneaking about .

peachy94 · 28/10/2017 20:03

I applaud you for not going ballistic at her. I got a few piercings before I was 16 that I didn’t tell my mum about (not my nipple though ouch!) she went ballistic when she found out and all it did was damage our relationship because I was scared to tell her things in case she blew up again. She still hates them, infact she reated worse to the piercings than when she found out I was having sex 🤷🏼‍♀️ I would encourage her to talk to you, explain your upset about the deceit and ask her to tell you next time she wants to do something like that and you will go with her?

Ttbb · 28/10/2017 20:07

I would make her take it out (not so much as a punishment but purely because that's not even remotely ok), put her in therapy, press charges against the piercer and, consider moving her to a different school.

notacooldad · 28/10/2017 20:25

I would make her take it out (not so much as a punishment but purely because that's not even remotely ok), put her in therapy, press charges against the piercer and, consider moving her to a different school

I was waiting for the grin at the end of this post. I do hope you have forgotten to put it on and aren't serious.
I'll bite though! Therapy? What the fuck for? Move schools? Why? She is doing well. Would you seriously want to disrupt someone's education when they are achieving.

Ok, it's not ideal but let's not make a mountain out of a molehill.

The op has a great kid who has done a small act of rebellion. she may regret it in the future , she may not but there is no point putting a load of sanctions in place that will cause distancing between op and DD.
To be truthful I would probably pay an interest, 'How much was it?' 'Did it hurt? ', ' have they told you what to do if in case you get infection?' Etc.

ferriswheel · 28/10/2017 20:47

Sorry, ive not had time to read the whole thread. Could you tell her you are going to get one too?

celtiethree · 28/10/2017 21:52

For those saying it would have to come out how would you enforce this??? I couldn’t get excited about this. Just check that she knows how to care for it properly. If you do punish I imagine that you will seriously damage your relationship with her. It is her body how many times do we here on her about children having autonomy over their body but as soon as it comes to something parents disagree with they gets thrown out of the window. Yes nipple piercing for girls under 16 (not for boys) is illegal but there are many worse things shd could be doing. In England and Wales there is no legal age of consent for piercing other than genitals (and nipples for girls). In Scotland no piercing under 16 can be carried out without parental consent.

Fluffymonkey · 28/10/2017 22:03

Your friend is hysterical

Fluffymonkey · 28/10/2017 22:03

Your friend is hysterical

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