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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Suitable punishment/ discipline for this?

80 replies

isittimetogotobed · 28/10/2017 08:21

Dd is 15. She has had her nipple pierced!
Both me and her father are so disappointed. I think we were both so stunned that we haven't actually got around to any sort of punishment yet as we were just so shocked that a she had lied to us and b done something like this
What do you you think is an appropriate punishment?
Make her take it out?
Grounded?
No phone?
She has had a really hard time lately, feeling low/ bullied abit/ friendship stuff but is generally well behaved and achieving well at school.

I think a tummy button is one thing maybe bit a nipple is something else entirely

OP posts:

Seti · 28/10/2017 09:29

I wouldn’t punish one of mine for that. I’d just tell them they are a bloody idiot but I wouldn’t be angry with them.

It’s not like they’ve had a facial tattoo.

notacooldad · 28/10/2017 09:34

I can understand you being disappointed, my. Um is still mad wth my sister for a hip tattoo she had done nearly 30 years ago!

However it sounds like your friend is driving the pot and trying to cause trouble. I wouldn't take her.on at all.

With regard to your daughter, I seriously wouldn't do anything. You may want to put in a complaint about her age to the shop, that's up to you.

You say say she has had a hard time with bullying and is generally a good kid. Maybe this is her bit of rebellion. You know, it could be a hell of a lot worse.

drspouse · 28/10/2017 09:36

I am a fan of natural and logical consequences - which would be, she is too young to do this so it has to come out, and she has to tell you where, and you report them.
I'd be warning the school about the piercer too so they can warn parents.

Original poster

isittimetogotobed · 28/10/2017 09:37

Thank you all so much... I was left feeling like the worst parent In the world last night.
My friend seemed to think this was the beginning of my daughters decent in to drug taking/ drinking/ teenage pregnancy and a whole lot more.

Having a strong willed teenager is hard

OP posts:

notacooldad · 28/10/2017 09:46

Jeez, all the typos in my post!
I'm sorry. My eyes are still a bit blurry from waking up.
I hope you got the jist though.
You have a good daughter who has done something rebellious, however it doesn't affect anyone else, she hasn't damaged her future and she will be fine.

As for your friend being disgusted! She needs to keep her beak out!

GinandGingerBeer · 28/10/2017 09:55

Before you go in all guns blazing with the police or tracking down the place that did it, I’d check if she used a fake ID. I can’t believe somewhere would do it without an ID as it’s really not worth it to them is it?
I don’t think I’d punish her. Ask her what she thinks should be the consequence of her actions.
—always a good one when you have no clue what to do with a teen—

GreenTulips · 28/10/2017 09:58

I think teens get caught up in the bravado of being teens.

She knows your disappointed and she'll feel that in herself, isn't that the point? You want her to know she's upset you.

As an adult she wouldn't punish herself would she?

Now you know it's there do get it checked (my teens ears were appalling as she kept 'forgetting' to clean them

Locally an adult has to sign for piercings it doesn't have to be a parent.

billybagpuss · 28/10/2017 10:11

I do feel for you and there is loads of helpful advise here already.

My two penneth would be handle with care. She is 15, you have at least another 3-5 years of wilfulness to handle. She has done something that makes her feel like an adult, to express her feelings, punishing her like a child is going to cause resentment and next time if she does something really stupid then she needs to know that you are going to help her with respect so she knows she has a parental avenue of help.

You need to let her know that you are not ok with it and that you are disappointed but you understand her motivation etc. It was clearly done illegally so I'd want to keep an eye on it for signs of infection (you almost want it to get infected so she has to take it out to heal but thats a whole different conversation)

Good luck,

VioletCharlotte · 28/10/2017 10:22

I wouldn't punish one of mine for doing this. At the next of the day it's her body, her choice. I'd just make sure she's clued up on keeping it clean and understands how important this is to prevent infection.

MamaOfTwos · 28/10/2017 10:28

Find out where she got it done and tell them they've pierced an underage girl

Ask her to ensure she's looking after it properly and warn her she may have issues breastfeeding as she's had it done whilst her breasts are still developing

Tell her the lying is more the issue than the piercing itself and it's a lack of trust between you

I wouldn't demand she takes it out, use it as an opportunity to build the lines of communication

canttestright · 28/10/2017 10:42

Two good friends had it done at that age, both still have it as far as I know. It wasn't a sign of going off the rails or anything, neither had boyfriends at the time, they just both fancied it and had it done together.

They did a better job of hiding it from mothers though- one reckoned that her mum may have found out when she came home from a Christmas night out during uni so drunk her mum helped her undress, but she didn't say anything.

I wouldn't punish or necessarily make her take it out, I'd talk seriously about the risks and maybe think about risks of infection and why permanent things shouldn't be done till you're much older.

stonecircle · 28/10/2017 11:56

Mama - but what lying? She just didn’t tell her mum what she’d done. Or have I missed something?

GreenTulips · 28/10/2017 12:36

but what lying?

She's either lied about her age, or lied about the person signing consent and she did it behaind her mothers back knowing she didn't appprove.

Where's the honesty then if she's not lying

stonecircle · 28/10/2017 12:59

Oh I see - she probably lied about her age to her the tattoo. I still don’t think she’s lied to her mother. Doing something behind her back knowing she would disapprove isn’t lying.

user1480031178 · 28/10/2017 13:10

I don’t think she should get a punishment if she payed for it herself but it would be a good idea to go over the legal stuff

LoverOfCake · 28/10/2017 13:21

It would have to come out.

If she's used a fake ID then she is potentially responsible for a shop owner being prosecuted for piercing under age. The piercing itself isn't necessarily that serious (I wouldn't like it if it was my child but as it's done it's not that serious in the scheme of things,) but being complicit in breaking the law where you are not the one held responsible is serious, and for that alone it there would need to be consequences.

I would explain to her that if the owner e.g. Lost their licence or were fined they could potentially lose their livelihood and she would be partly responsible for that having happened if she's used a fake ID. That is and should be taken very seriously. If she wants to feel like an adult then that includes acting like one. And lying and deceiving to get what you want isn't an adult thing to do, and as such the nipple piercing would be coming out and the hole allowed to close over.

Branleuse · 28/10/2017 13:30

I wouldnt punish for this. Its her body. I would never punish for her making a decision about her own body like this. I may not like it and tell her why i didnt like her doing it, but i wouldnt punish.

I would however grass up the piercer.

larrygrylls · 28/10/2017 13:38

I think that there does have to be a consequence as she has disobeyed you and taken a serious risk to her health.

It is not ‘her’ body to do as she likes with until 18.

Definitely make her remove it and I would consider a financial penalty as most appropriate. If she cannot be trusted to manage money with limitations, then no pocket money/allowance at least for a couple of weeks.

Definitely talk to her at the same time but letting her off entirely will encourage her not to listen to you in future.

Downhillatfifty · 28/10/2017 13:45

Teenagers always have and always will do stuff that their parents won’t approve of.
She didn’t lie to you, I understand that you are disappointed but her body her choice. Also never take advice from parents with only younger kids they have no idea about parenting teenagers.

lljkk · 28/10/2017 13:49

How long has she had it, is it all heeled up?
How far off is she from turning 16yo?

I couldn't punish for that. Express disappointment she snuck around & concern about an infection, yes.

LoverOfCake · 28/10/2017 13:51

No it's not her body her choice. Piercing under eighteens is illegal, and it's entirely likely that she provided a fake ID which means that a shop owner is potentially going to face the consequences of what people describe as "her body her choice."

MyBrilliantDisguise · 28/10/2017 13:55

Free the nipple

I would definitely report the person who pierced it. If they can't tell the difference between a 15 year old and an 18 year old then they need to always ask for ID.

Frankly, though, there are far greater things your daughter can do in the cause of feminism, and I'd be introducing her to some of those.

BertrandRussell · 28/10/2017 13:55

"No it's not her body her choice. Piercing under eighteens is illegaL"

16, isn't it?

TittyGolightly · 28/10/2017 13:56

It is not ‘her’ body to do as she likes with until 18

WTAF?

LoverOfCake · 28/10/2017 14:01

It's still illegal whether it's sixteen or eighteen. If this was a fifteen year old having sex with e.g. An eighteen year old nobody would be arguing about it being her body her choice, they would be stating that she's too young to give consent. This is no different.

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