Daughter troubles

[Dragon64]

My 18 year old daughter lives with her father since we divorced, as I worked round the clock to pay for everything, my relationship with her suffered. I have always tried to keep an open door and build bridges, recently paying for driving lessons etc. Last Wednesday on a rare occasion we went out together and saw a movie, when we came out her friend was waiting ( don't like her)
We got into an argument and I let my big mouth run off, but my daughter ran at me shouting screaming and punched me, I held her back and even the 'friend ' had a go at me.
I'm at the end of my tether, she has totally blocked me out. I know it sounds awful but I don't want to loose her completely, what do I say, she is not replying to any texts

What would you start an argument and let your mouth run off? Sounds like they were taking your lead tbh.

To clarify I don't agree with her being physical.

To be brutally honest, your daughter is 18 so what you think of her friends is not relevant, especially if you have a strained relationship. What was said that started the argument?

I was hoping for advice, maybe I'll just not try to make up with her and see if she eventually contacts me

What did you say to her? I am very sorry it turned violent, there's never an excuse for that. If you want help and advice you need to explain what happened and what your issues are. You need to be her mum. Do you need to make up with her? Do you know you're at fault?

Your daughter is an adult so she can choose her own friends. You may not be keen but criticising won't help.
You don't say exactly what happened so hard to know if you need to apologise but just not contacting her is the fastest way to become estranged ( my family's particular talent).
I'd maybe send her a text saying you're sorry the cinema visit ended in a scene and you're making a big chilli next whenever and she's welcome to come and eat. And leave it at that. Unless you really did say something awful.......

To clarify, I made a comment on how her friend looked, basically like a tart. After a chat about another friend who had been sexually active with various boys/men and been kicked out of home.

You really need to apologise and try to salvage this. She was wrong to be violent but I'm not surprised that she was furious.

Yes I made a mistake in the heat of the moment, but the retaliation was out of proportion. we had a strained relationship to begin with, so I really don't know whether to leave it as she hadn't responded to texts so far

You know nothing about me, let's be judgmental about an ignorant woman who maybe doesn't have kids, I have reported your obnoxious unhelpful post

Dragon, if only we were all perfect. Yes, you shouldn't have said anything about her friend, but honestly only miss perfect never puts a step wrong.
Try to let the dust settle, it will, then ease off on working yourself into the ground to pay for her things, concentrate on getting your relationship on track. Even if you just do a few hours a month, go for a meal, shopping, anything you like, just don't criticise, know its hard, we can all see when something they are doing is wrong, but they want to do it their way as we did. Salvage the most important relationship to you. Stop beating yourself up, you obviously love her to bits all you do for her, people are to quick to judge when they don't walk in your shoes.💐

You called her friend a cheap tart?

You know nothing about me, let's be judgmental about an ignorant woman who maybe doesn't have kids

What?

You really had no business talking about how her friend looked or commenting on other friends' sex lives. They are all adults I take it? That said, them physically attacking you is out of order. I'd probably send a message apologising for my comments, but saying that her response was not acceptable. Leave the all in her court.(but I bet she gets defensive, twists it round so you are tge bad guy and tries to keep it going. If so maintain radio silence and don't let her wind you up)

Firstly calling any woman a tart is really unacceptable, her sexual activity is none of your business and you have no right to judge.

18 year olds maybe legally adults and they may want to be treated like adults but most lack emotional maturity and she will still need her mum - you are supposed to be the mature one here - you should apologise for insulting her friend - invite her around for dinner or coffee and a chat. If she ignores your text, a least you will have shown her that you still care and that is worth something for her and hopefully will help to repair your relationship more quickly.

You called her friend a tart???

Seriously maybe she didn’t see you working around the clock as a way to support her, more your way of not having to be with her and she harbours resentment. Teenagers are complex but at 18 she is an adult and you deserved a verbal retaliation (not the physical) for even uttering anything derogatory about her friend. You don’t know what’s going on in that young woman’s life and to reduce her to her clothes is shocking. Maybe you always have an opinion about everything and for your daughter this time it had gone to far.

If you want a relationship with her I’m afraid you need to do all the grovelling here and hopefully you can get to a point where you can discuss why it became physical and what you can do as her mother to make this relationship better.

Thank you Quelto4, good advice I think.