Me again:(

[Howlongtilldinner]

Have been here many times!

DS19 dropped out of uni earlier this year. He laid on his bed for around 3 months allegedly looking for work. He was offered a job a few weeks back by my friends DH. My DS snapped it up as he is picked up/dropped off, and the work is easy. He has been there around a month.

Two weeks ago I told him he would hv to start paying keep money. So I told him the 15th September his first payment. He's had three weeks without.

The money wasn't there Friday. "Haven't been to cash point" Saturday "haven't been to cashpoint". Today , "can I give you to you next week" (been out drinking yesterday) big row ensued. So I'll not be getting any money till at least next week.

What do I do?

Surely he has online/mobile banking? Sounds like he's definitely fobbing you off. I'd change the wifi password until he's paid.

Does your DH back you up? I would change the wifi password as suggested and get DH to ask him for the money. See if that makes a difference, not that it should of course.

I just wouldn't 'keep' him. He can have his bed alright but no washing done or no cooking. He'll learn the value of his keep fairly lively.

And yes, change the wifi code.

I don't know if this will be helpful but when I got my first job as soon as my wages came in I was expected to pay my keep.

I remember sitting down and having a long conversation with my parents about this it was very reasonable they explained how much they wanted, why I needed to help with the household finances and the consequences if I didn't but the upshot was that if I wasn't willing to pay for my keep then I would be finding somewhere else to live.

I think you have to nip this in the bud straight away and you need to be firm and harsh because I can guarantee that otherwise he will put you off time and again and then say sorry I can't pay I don't have any money and it will turn into a cycle.

Maybe telling him to move out if he won't pay is a little harsh but he should definitely be back to basics until he contributes.

Thanks for the replies.

I'm a single parent and ex is a waste of space, doesn't want him living there. He owes his mate money, in fact he owes me loads of money, but I never get a penny back. He wants to pay him off before giving me his keep. Not my problem, which I've told him.

I've explained how much and broken it down, his sister pays the same. It's his attitude towards me that makes me so angry. I told him I would take him to the cash point, he said no. When I got really cross he laughed, while still scrolling on his phone,I feel he treats me with contempt.

It's quite clear I'm getting no money this week, but what do I do when a 'man' of 6' tall won't do something. I'm very very unhappy with him, feel he is just living off me and happy to do that. He has no time or conversation with me (probably because I'm a nag) unless he wants money.

Not sure changing wifi would do much, he has unlimited data on his phone.

Just to add, I don't cook much anyway, and he mostly does his own washing. He does nothing at home at all, bone idle lazy.

If you kicked him out would he have enough to live on?

But using his data will cost him money - does he pay for his own phone at least?

I also think change the wifi code, don't cook for him, don't include any of "his food"
in your shopping, don't do his washing etc. Almost ignore the fact he is in the household (without ignoring him iykwim).

Would his sis have a go at him re the unfairness of her paying her way and him not? Might have more of an impact than mum "having a go"?

Honestly there probably isn't much you can do at this point. How old was he when he first started disrespecting you?

You need to get him to set up a standing order on the day his money goes in to his bank account and point out the cost of living outside the home. Kids these days do not need cashpoints, all of mine just transfer money directly to me from their phones.

It might take a little investigation on your part but how about costing up a flat, council tax, fuel bills, food etc and then pointing out the difference and insisting again on payment.

Lock the door. Unlock it when he's trotted down to the cash point and handed over his keep. Don't buy him food. Lock fridge and cupboard if necessary. Warn him, then stick to it.

paq no he wouldn't have enough to live on.

thinkim his Dad pays his phone bill, because he can then feel virtuous. My DD not bothered about him not paying, she just can't be bothered with all the shit.

billy he can't be bothered setting up a standing order, he just won't do it.

I've just come home from work (I do one evening a week on top of my full time job) and he's out in the high street, probably in the pub

I hate to say it, but you probably need to give him notice that he either pays up or leaves.

I feel quite strongly that as parents we should always offer a roof over our head, especially as my daughters boyfriend has been living with us since his Dad through him out in his A level year 2 years ago, he now pays me rent having achieved good results and is planning a good future. However in your case you are being completely put upon, you have no other sanctions (food, wifi) available. So he either respects you and pays his way or he goes and faces reality.

So I spoke with him last night, he said he is paying his mate off (last payment this week) and can he start paying from next week. He is also overdrawn and needs to pay that off too, but he's promised he will pay next week.

I shall give him the benefit of the doubt (because I have no choice) and wait until next week. I will speak to him re standing order too.

If he doesn't pay then I will really have to make him leave. I'm always full of guilt because as a single parent that burdened my DC with an excuse for a father, I feel I have to make up for everything, hence being a bit of a doormat

I naively thought that when my DC got older they would want to make sure I was ok..how wrong can one be