SS does nothing!

[cupcake007]

I am worried about my SS. He just wants to lie on his bed, in the dark and play video games all day. He's almost 14. He has no interest in doing anything. We have taken him to many different activities, rugby, football, golf, martial arts. He just has no drive and is completely not arsed about anything. He mopes about the house with his bloody hood up looking bored. It's driving me mad TBH.

So as not to drip feed, he lives with us because he has had issues with his mum. He's been here for 9 months with minimal contact with her. He says he's not bothered but I know it must be hard for him. He's had counselling. He's doing ok at school and has a few nice friends.

Should I let him carry on living in a dark room playing games? Am I overreacting? How can I get him to show an interest in living his life?

What kind of issues with his mum? Do you think he's depressed? Does he have friends?
14 year old boys can be pretty mopey, especially if they've had problems with family, but I'd be wondering if there was a bit to it.
How's he doing in school?

Issues with his mum were lots of arguing at home, he witnessed DV (his mum on her husband), she has a temper and got physical with him a few times. She also has twins who she struggles to manage.
He seems happy at school, no issues with behaviour. He works hard.
I wonder if he may be depressed. Should I speak to school?

I think it might be a good idea, yes, especially with the DV background. What does he say?
When I need DS (15) to open up I go and sit on his bed. He tends to open up more on his own turf.

Good that he seems to be doing ok at school though. That's heartening. He's not lost all interest.
Still think he might benefit from some support if he's open to it though.

Thank you. My DH tried to talk to him tonight but he got all defensive and cross. I'll call school tomorrow, his mentor is lovely. X

I can see why you re concerned but if his mother has abused him And his step father its unsurprising he does nt want to play sports.it may be you ll just have to be patient with him. I'd be cautious about telling the school he may see it as a breach but f confidence.

I don't understand why you are talking to school either. He's doing well at school and has friends. So what's the problem that needs school involvement? Does he know you are planning to talk to school? Please don't do it without his knowledge. He is 14 and deserves to be consulted on things that will impact his life.

I agree that he may be depressed. He needs to see a doctor.

He could be depressed. But, to be to honest, moping about the house in a hoody and only wanting to play video games sounds like a pretty standard 14 year old to me (including my own) So it could be that you're overthinking this.

Does he ever want to meet up with his friends out of school? Is he playing online (with friends) or alone?

Your description of you ss sounds similar to my ds; but my ds plays Xbox live with friends so I don't feel that he's isolated.

Let me put it this way, if you d been the victim of DV would you want to play a team sport ? Your SS can't open up without criticising his mother or admitting he has been the victim of DV. I can see why he does nt want to do this. I'd give him the contact details of a support group for male victims and leave him to it.

School can offer support for families and are often a lot better than GP referrals. In DS school they have specialist services that come in for substance abuse, self harm, DV etc.
I do agree that he needs to open up and say he needs help though, and want to engage.

Wow, you think I should give him the number of a support group and let him get on with it? Seriously?

He has been to relate and had his 6 weeks of counselling and then he got discharged. I thought school might be able to help arrange for someone to see him at school. The pastoral support at his school is excellent and I know they would be very understanding of his situation.

Maybe because of what he's been through I'm over thinking things. I have a DS the same age and he's always out doing things and is very much more cheerful, chatty, sociable etc. I know they've had different experiences in life so far but I can't help compare them. I just want to help him and for him to be happy.

Of course I would speak to him before talking to school. I had a very busy day at work today so haven't called them yet. I might just wait and see how it goes.

Thank you for all the supportive replies.

I did not mean what I said in an unpleasant manner, I meant he will talk when he's ready, it sounds as if this happened recently and he may not have processed it yet. If he does not want to open up, forcing him to do may be counter productive.

I don't think you are "overthinking it", OP. Many teens suffer from degrees of depression and so parents come to see "lie on his bed, in the dark and play video games all day" as normal. He may come out of it on his own or he may get worse and let it affect other parts of his life. So I think it's good to get him some help if you can. You sound like a great DSM.

As someone who experienced a lot of DV as a young teenager, I think you should seek more psychological input for him than six sessions with Relate. Don't underestimate the impact this will have on him and his future if it isn't dealt with early on. He could very well be traumatised and not know how to process his experiences; he could even blame himself.
Poor wee guy, I hope he's ok.

My mother was emotionally abusive and it took me decades to be able to admit that, counselling would not have not helped as I was not ready to admit it.

what would have helped me would have helped me is information about DV that I could have read in my own time.

Suggest to your ss he looks at internet sites for male victims.

Thank you, that's a good idea. X

I’ve done some research and it looks like he might be suffering from a severe case of teenager. This is normal

My Ds was like this. Only wanted to game. Saw a child psychologist on my own, and was told it was masking depression. I would bet your dss is depressed.

I wondered about depression, there and s family history of depression too. He seems to have lost his confidence in social situations too. I think I'm going to have to try to talk to him. He's really close to my mum so I could see if she can get anywhere with him.

I definitely wouldn't count out depression op. My ds did this throughout his 13th year. Lay on his bed, on his phone, in a darkened room most of the time whilst at home. He had turned into a 'teenager' literally over night just after he was 13 so I thought this was a normal phase.

3 days after his 14th birthday he took an overdose, twice in fact, on consecutive nights when the 1st didn't work. Was on fluoxetine for 9 months.

Now 16 he is a totally different child. But my god it was hard!

Oh Passanda! Heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. I hope he is doing ok x

Sounds like a normal 14 year old boy, if he gets good grades and doesn’t cause trouble I don’t see a problem. Different people have different ways of “living their life”.