DS set to fail the lot

[themoon66]

The school have just rung me to say he hasn't handed in 4 out of his 5 pieces of coursework for English GCSE. English is his favourite subject, so god only knows what the other subjects are going to be like.

I spoke to his head of year who told me all the teachers are worried about him, and have been for a month or more now. They say they talk to him, but it's like there is nothing behind his eyes or any clues that he is even listening.

He is one of the cleverest in the school... predicted A stars all the way. I'm breaking my heart over what to do... sat here crying as I type

What can have happened to my clever, bright, sparky DS? It's like he has given up.

He has been off school all week with 'tummy ache' which he is doubled up with. Am waiting for the GP to ring me back with results of blood tests done on Monday. I am thinking now that its psycho-somatic and he is skivving school because he knows the shit is going to hit the fan this week, with course work being handed in etc.

He missed his Art GCSE exam yesterday and has done no coursework at all for that... so that one's a fail straight off.

What can I do? DH wants to kick him up the arse, but I think he must have depression or something.

Just wanted to type it all out on MN really to get my thoughts in order and try to raise some ideas of what to do next.

Sorry it's long.

The dates for pupils are earlier than the actual dates as there is an awful lot of work with coursework between collection and submisson. It needs marking, moderating, cover sheets filling in for each candidate, putting them in rank order, choosing a sample and then entering the marks on C forms for the exam board before submitting the sample. It is possible for the teachers to make an exception for your ds- so long as he is the only one- if they had 10 pupils in the same position it would be very hard to accept the work in late.

However, teachers are generally in the profession because they want their pupils to do well and pass exams- nobody gets any pleasure from seeing a pupil fail so with any luck they will accept the work late and mark it

Well.. DS is still languishing in bed. He knows he HAS to get this thing done today, plus his electronics wiring thing.

I slept badly last night, worrying about him.

I wish he was 6 months old again and my only worry was him waking for feeds at 3am.... I thought that was bad! Nobody tells you how worse it's gonna get!

Oh god... it goes from bad to worse.

We went to see head of year on Friday. DS agreed he would get his head around all outstanding work. Over Easter he completed 90% of English. I was thinking everything was back on track.

Came home from work yesterday and mothers instinct told me to look out of the back window. I don't know why - just a feeling. DS was hiding in the back garden behind the oil tank. He had his school uniform on and his bag with him. I think he was waiting until school bus time, so I would think he had got off it.

When he realised I'd rumbled him, he claimed to have missed the morning bus and been stuck outside all day. I grabbed his bag and, yes, his housekeys were in there. I was bloody furious.

Anyway... last night I got him to finish the English and Citizenship coursework. We had a long talk about why he hadn't done it and why he was so behind. He says he understands that it HAS to be done so he can do A-levels and go to uni.... which he insists he wants to. It's just that he cannot motivate himself to do it. The more he thinks about it, the greater the pressure, the more he wants to just go to bed and sleep.

We both ended up weeping and hugging.

Today I have emailed the Head of Year to say DH will be taking him to school to make sure he gets there. Also, could they let him off PE but MAKE him use the time to catch up on ICT courswork.

I've told DS that he can leave school if he likes and go work in Tesco or some other low key job, just to take the pressure off for a year. He is adamant that he wants to go into 6th form in September though. We go round in circles with this conversation.

Themoon, wish you lived next door. We could dig a big hole, bury both our boys and dig 'em up at around 22/23 years old! I'm having similar probs. One of the Ed Psychs in our building says this is often a problem with bright, high achieving boys. Lessons are too easy, so they get distracted and when it comes to the big stuff (exams)they lose the plot, all a bit overwhelming (she says). Her advice, don't panic! The more angry/upset you are with him, the tenser the situation becomes. These kids sort of stop functioning and you need to take charge. Structure his day to include 'nice' things as well as work, use the one-day-at-a-time approach, check that there are no issues at school ie. bullies (inc teachers) and work with him.
We'll all come out of it in the end.
NB A large slug of Vouvray at about 9pm helps as well!

You are sooo right about the losing the plot thing.... Its like his brain has jumped out of gear and he's freewheeling.

I got very heavy with him yesterday about skivving off school... its the lying that disappoints me and he feels ashamed with himself now.

He did hand in the final bit of English today and Citizenship. He is upstairs doing ICT now. I cannot see how he can make up the missing work for electronics though... it is such a huge amount to be done and I believe the deadline is this Friday.

I'm appear to lose more sleep than he does over it all.

God, it's no wonder I have to stop at the Spar shop for vodka on the way home!!!

Vodka from The Spar is not a good idea! You need decent alcohol once a week! Take it from me, I'm a doctor, I know! It may be that DS isn't able to catch-up with all the course work....so what. He will do enough to get him into the sixth form (and it sounds as though this is what he really wants.He'll be treated as a bit more of a grown-up and they usually respond...usually by going to The Spar and...let's not go there)From my own experience, DS realised that he could have done better with his GCE's and is now working hard for A's (I'd rather have it that way).I agree, it is a traumatic time...for everyone!

themoon66. Your ds sounds just like I was at his age. I became so unmotivated and overwhelmed that I decided it was easier if I skivved off school and didn't complete homework. I don't know whether your ds is the same but I kept thinking "oh A levels in the 6th form will be a fresh start". But of course I didn't get the grades...

What I needed at the time was someone to be on my case and sit me down and organise a very strict timetable for studying and revision.

If possible I would suggest that you and your ds meet with head of year again and get details of all the work and revision that must be completed and then sit down and devise a very strict study timetable with lots of spaces for treats and relaxation etc. It is the lack of structure that makes you get behind. He needs everything broken down into managable chunks as he sounds disorganised.

Good luck!!

nogoes.... what you are suggesting is what I had in mind actually. I said to him that, until now, we have been free and easy, trusting him to get on with things.

He says the work is so boring he cannot see it as a challenge. And if it's not a challenge he cannot motivate himself to do it.

I said... surely the deadline is the flippin challenge'. So last night I put a timer on him.... ICT work finished by 9pm.... I kept giving him countdowns... '20 mins to go' sort of thing.

It worked.

Have you discussed whether he is having any hassle from someone at school? My DS3 has few friends and sits at the computer a lot. He was becoming very unhappy at school and it turned out he was being bullied by a group of boys and girls. He had bottled it up for months. He may well be avoiding going to school to escape bullies.

I've been through the bullying possibility with his form tutor and his head of year. He insists he is not bullied, but he is very quiet and sensitive, which always worries me.

I asked his form tutor what his relationships with other classmates were like... she said 'what relationships? - he doesn't mix with any of them'. He regards them as a bunch of idiots. He isn't into normal teenage stuff like football or 'in' clothes or chart music.

His interests are manga cartoons, heavy metal bands, playing his guitar and writing short stories on an internet site. The stories he writes are all very 'dark'. His original writing piece of English coursework was a bit scary and dark too.... a short story about a teenager who didn't fit in with what he saw as the 'idiot masses' and then took control when his inner voice told him to pick up a knife.

I do worry about him.

Is the school perhaps not the best environment for him? Would he prefer to go to college when old enough?

I've suggested college.... we went to open evening for a look and a chat with lecturers etc.

We came away.

He said 'I'm soooo not going there'.

I really hesitate to say this after you have stated categorically that he has not taken drugs.....but - I have been there, got the Tshirt and everything you describe is screaming CANNABIS. And I would not have believed it if anyone had said the same to me. I thought about changing my name for this, but didn't, because I hope that anyone who does recognise me would know that I am not given to being melodramatic. I have been through it and come out the other side a good deal wiser.

Please search his room, if you haven't already done so, check the relevant websites so that you know what you are looking for. there isn't a school in the country that doesn't have a problem, even if it is only a few kids.

Your post about the short story really worried me.

Sorry - I really am just trying to help.

I actually work in mental health, so do know what to look for with regards to cannabis etc. I can see why people would think he WAS using it too... but I have, honestly, spent hours combing through his room when he is out. There is nothing there... not a rizzla paper or anything. I've even sniffed random scraps of paper or foil that are kicking around.

I haven't hidden the fact I've been rooting around in there. He comes home and his room is all tidy and hoovered. I say 'i've done your room ok'. He just says 'cheers mum'.

If he was hiding something he would be stressed about me going in there, rooting around, surely?

I dunno. Anyway... his art teacher rang me last night... he is missing so much coursework he is going to fail.

On the other hand, his English teacher rang me to say he now has it all this work in and his piece of orginal writing is the best she has ever seen in all her years teaching!

Wow, you must be so pleased with what his English teacher said! Just shows he's more than capable.

I am so sorry to hear all this,themoon66. I went to hell and back with my ds but in my case it was all triggered by cannabis, resulting in serious depression. He is highly intelligent, gifted even, but totally unmotivated. He left school and is repeating AS levels at sixth form college. He doesn't really relate to his fellow students, but the best thing we did was to cut off all money except for travel and lunches. He got a part time job at the weekends, for spending money. If nothing else it has made him realise that A Levels are essential if he doesn't want to be stuck in the same type of job for the rest of his life.

We also realised that he suffers from SAD, and once we bought a light box, things improved.

We are not out of the woods yet, but we are getting there, but the worry and stress is terrible - I really feel for you. Would you feel able to confide in a trusted colleague about possible mental health issues?

I hope you can find a way through this.

Parenting teenagers can be a lonely and difficult business.

3LF.... wow... your SAD comment has struck a chord!!!

DS sits in his room most of his spare time, glued to the computer. He has a north facing room, which doesn't get much light in. He will never even bother to open the blinds if I don't go in and do it.

What is he doing on the computer? If I were you I would have no hesitation in employing someone to find out. There is so much harmful stuff out there.

What I mean is, it sounds like he is opting out of the real world - you need to find a way to bring him back, and to do that you need to explore every way of finding out where he is - if that makes sense.

3LF... he plays games on the computer. I restrict his internet access by switching off the router, which is downstairs.

DH is a computer whizz and has checked what DS has been up to when on line. It is mostly downloading manga cartoons (very dark stories) and browsing 'geek' websites, wikepaedia etc.

He spent most of last evening looking up info on this new 'earth' planet that has been discovered.... gravitation forces, atmospheric pressures and so on.... he is a total geek.

He showed me a website he would like this pi t-shirt

geek t-shirt

Sounds to me as though you have looked at the possible problems your ds might be having and he hasn't really got any. All the behaviour you have described sound normal teen stuff to me. Could it just be that he finds the GCSE period overwhelming? My 17yo, also predicted A/A* with every subject, gifted and talented, blah, blah, almost had a nervous breakdown due to expectations of him and the pressure applied from school. He began to underachieve and things went worse from there. He didn't gain the predicted grades but quite honestly I was more concerned about his well-being and taking the pressure off than his grades. He can always take exams if he wants to at any stage of his life. It has taken him quite a while since leaving school to begin to be more like his old self but he's getting there.
My eldest ds and my dd have both been through heavy metal, manga, goth, emo, skater phases and come through the other side (so far ). I am now beginning to think that teens go through 'phases' just like toddlers and all you can do is support them until it passes and hope there will be no long term damage done. Unfortunately for some a 'down' episode coincides with exam time (maybe triggered by it).
Your ds sounds really interested in lots of things just not some of his exam subjects. I think as parents we need to encourage our children to do the best they can and let them know that we are on their side and will support them with whatever they choose to do. (within the law of course).

Oh and I think the t-shirt is great.

I've been watching this thread but not posted anything before...

What subjects is he hoping to do at A-level? What GCSEs does he need for his A-levels? I know it's not ideal but could a good compromise be that you don't stress about some of the subjects he doesn't need? I'm a teacher (and have seen a few kids go through this) and I know it's not something a school would encourage but it might be the best thing for him now. Mind you I'm guessing that you've probably done this to some extent already but prioritising subjects like English.

dO YOU KNOW WHEN THE ABSOLUTE DEADLINES ARE (oops) for all the coursework he hasn't finshed yet? Often the deadlines the kids are told aren't the final ones and if you spoke to his teachers you might be able to get a few extra days to get things done.

Don't know if anyone that is helpful but I really hope that you get this sorted and he does ok.

Hi Deb..... I have stopped stressing about art and electronics... he was so far behind and so disinterested it wasn't worth the bother.

He has put down, for A-level, English, Maths, ICT and physics.

The grammar school have offered him a place if he achieves minimum of B in all those subjects, plus another 2 Bs in anything else.

He has now changed his mind and wants to drop Maths and ICT, and replace them with History and Law.

he should get enough I hope... He should get 2 science ones, English lit, english language, ICT, History and Maths... giving him 9.

He is adamant that he wants to move to the grammar school.... anything to get away from his current school he says .... although insists he is not being bullied

Sorry... that should be 7, not 9..... Maths is not MY strong subject