DD1 has left home

[LisaD1]

Where to begin.. My DD1 is 17, 18 in Feb. I left her dad when she was 2, have always maintained contact (usual every other weekend and holidays, much more flexible as she has got older depending on what she wanted, have never prevented any contact with him/his family). She's been quite grumpy and disengaged but also doing exams, have tried to coach her to talk but she's not really been interested. She went to visit him last week, due back yesterday, sent a text on Sunday to say she's not coming home, she now lives with her dad, refuses to talk about it/ doesn't want to see us. 17 years of raising her, 14 for my husband who has treated her exactly like his own.

We also have a 9 year old, she's devastated.

DD1 reasons are apparently because he gives her more freedom (We allow her to visit friends, have them over, have had large groups crashing at our house, never ever have said no but we do expect an idea of when she will be home/who will be in our home, she also is expected to keep her room tidy, do a few minor chores). at her dad's none of that applies.

I've had zero contact from her dad.

We have literally been cut off and I feel like I am about to implode.

I don't even know why I am writing this, I guess I just needed to put it all down in a safe environment.

Hello Lisa. I have no experience of this but I have a recently turned 18 DS who sounds pretty similar behaviour wise.. We have a good relationship, let him have lots of friends staying and pretty flexible but just like to know where he is. I know that he thinks we are a bit over protective and if he had another parent living elsewhere who was more relaxed I'm pretty sure he would have moved out this summer. So please don't blame yourself. It must be very upsetting not to have had any warning or communication with her dad either. But at least you know where she is safe albeit without your usual.checks. I do think that with teenagers they expect a confrontation and when it doesn't happen it takes the wind out of their sails slightly. Rather than hassling her to come back altogether could you leave it a few days then just message asking her to meet you for a coffee just to catch up. If she thinks there is no pressure to come back perhaps she will be more likely to make contact. Does she get on with her sister - if so could you suggest you all meet and do something together - maybe cinema or something that doesn't require talking too much. Just some ideas - as I said I don't have any experience of this.

Thank you. We are currently day 4 of no contact, she claims to love her little sister but despite being able to directly FaceTime her she's made no attempt to. I've told her we won't stop her. I'm refusing to give any kind of dramatic response as her dad used to do his utmost to wind me up into a fit and I've learned over the years not to. She's had no contact with any of my family, or my husbands, who have all been there for her throughout her life, she's seriously hurt a lot of good people.

You must be gutted! I don't have direct experience (though I do have a son similar age) but I work as a mediator with separated families so deal with similar things a lot "second hand". Bottom line is the grass is always greener. I would leave her to it for now but chances are she will want to come home at some stage but may end up feeling too embarrassed to do so or being ashamed of her behaviour and convincing herself that she won't be welcome.

As another poster said, give her a few days then text and see if she would like a coffee/lunch. If she says no just say "another time then, I would like to see you". Keep her in the loop, send her info/pics about what everyone is up to including her sister. It's really hard not to show your hurt but it's all about keeping the door open and making her feel guilty won't help. Her dad might be feeling smug now but in situations like this the novelty often wears off for both newly favoured parent and young person pretty quickly. Keep us posted!

Thank you. Her dad will be filling her head with all sorts of nonsense I am sure. Hurt doesn't even come close right now. Hopefully she will realise onw day.

Hi Lisa, I don't have any experience of what you are going through, but I have a 17yo and I know how difficult they can be. I hope things work out for you, I'm sure she'll come round once the novelty of dad wears off. Thinking of you

That must be really hard , I have an 18 year old dd who threatens to move out a couple of times a week. She once left and didn't contact us , we had no idea where she was but it was only for 48 hours.
Teenagers can be very self absorbed and it's hurtful when as a mum you have put them first for years.
I try not to take things personally, at the end of the day you have been the best parent you can ultimately the choices they make as young adults are up to them.
It's horrible though when they have no regard for the feelings of other family members.
Dd is off to uni next month , hopefully she will mature and appreciate us a bit more in the holidays.
I hope your dd gets in touch soon. I would text maybe once a day, but keep it causal.

Thanks for the replies. DD1 came to collect all her belongings today so no intentions of coming back. Apparently, I am the problem...

You could offer her family therapy?
Otherwise just make sure she know your door is open and wait.
Is she at college? Is she still attending? Is her father a danger? (Although I know someone who had to let her DD (about the same age) stay with her father even though he had only just come off the sex offenders register.)

She's at 6th form, off to uni next year. The only danger from her father is he is a waster who comes from a family of money where they just get stuff and don't have to earn it, he has zero respect for anyone and thinks the world owes him a living. He's also totally incapable of parenting her (not done a single thing for her education to date (his dad pays her school fees). He will have zero rules, which I guess is the massive appeal to a teenager.

Think of it as a temporary thing. There's no way he's going to put up with her if she is lazy. Not long term. It would mean doing it himself and that will soon wear off.

I would play hard to get with her. Answer any calls or texts but don't go writing long messages. Keep it very light, very simple. "Hope you're having a good day at school," that sort of thing. Don't remind her to do anything. Let him get his head around that. She has to see the consequences of her action. Your love has given her a great life. Her dad is lazy and selfish. She's about to realise who her proper parents are, but you have to let her realise it. No amount of telling her will do the trick.

It's so hard parenting a teenager at times.

He'll have zero rules while it doesn't affect him much, but the minute it does, the rules will come in and then she'll see you in a completely different light.

Hi lisa , imperial is spot on. My eldest turned 22 yesterday and I had the 'I'm leaving for dads' at that age too when she decided I was a problem

My ex sounds very similar too! It took about a year though, partly due to her having to realise herself where her real parents were. It was hard though not to get mad and send shitty texts and I ended up spoiling her when we finally made friends (which I shouldn't have done!)

Give it time it will right it self

She will come round but it may take some time. Give her space and carry on being the bigger person. She will work out what her Dad is really like, make sure you are there for her to pick up the pieces.

No, don't go spoiling her when she deigns to return! I know it's really tough but see this as an essential part of her growing up and realising that she isn't ill treated by you and her dad isn't all that and that actually she has to do more in his house because he's lazy. She'll grow up more in the next year than in any other year but you have to stand back to let her do it. At first there'll be the honeymoon period where she runs rampant and her dad laughs it off. Then one day she'll have drunk all the milk, he'll have used up all the toilet roll and he'll be pissed off with all her friends coming round and drinking his booze - why not, when he has no boundaries himself - and it'll go tits up. In the meantime you'll have had a nice little break from her.

Thanks all, I think they were all looking for a drama so I haven't provided one. I bagged her stuff up nicely and then went out and left my husband to pass it to her, they brought the whole family for the outing so I hope they are disappointed with the lack of reaction. Her dad is lazy too but his partner and mum pander to him so I am sure they will to DD too. I've worked my backside off to raise her for 17.5 years and my DH has 100% fathered her for 14, he's done school runs daily, parents evenings, helped me change her bed when she's been sent home from her dads for being ill and we've dealt with the vommitting child. There's nothing more we can do now except let her work it all out for herself.

He'll have zero rules while it doesn't affect him much, but the minute it does, the rules will come in and then she'll see you in a completely different light.

So true!

How is DD2 this weekend, this is like a rehearsal for when DD1 goes away to university, a different dynamic at home in her absence.

PS I bagged her stuff up nicely and then went out and left my husband to pass it to her, they brought the whole family for the outing so I hope they are disappointed with the lack of reaction very well handled by you.

She's about to grow up, isn't she? The problem is that it's just as hard for us to watch that as it is for them to go through it. Even if others do run around after her, she'll know that you're a better parent to her and her step father is too, than her own father. It won't take her long to realise that.

Just send cheerful messages and don't say things like, "I wish you'd come home" etc until you know she's ready to do that. She needs a wake up call and if you're happy and relaxed she's far more likely to want to come home.

How heartbreaking for you you've handled it all so well though.

She's treating you badly so it's easier for her to explore this relationship with her dad.

Big hugs x

I honestly don't think she will ever come home now, she's off to uni next year and I think they will do literally anything to keep her. When we split I was offered a substantial amount of cash to leave her behind. Money solves all in that family. The only way she will come home is if her grandfather finds out her sexuality (she's gay, absolutely not a problem in this house but will be a massive one to the grandad and he's the one in full control of all purse strings). So she thinks she's gone somewhere she can "be herself and live by her own rules" when it really isn't the case at all. I am not joking about how homophobic that man is, one clue and he will deliver her back her quicker than she can blink

I'm now in my 30s but I vividly remember my teens and remember the drama very clearly. Honestly. I think she will do a complete u turn. I think that she will realise that she has been a tool. Worse case scenario she will stick it out but in time will come to realise how she has behaved. I think you're doing miraculously under the circumstances and can't imagine the pain that you are going through. Nothing can undo the bond that you have and the years that you have travelled.

Thank you, inwardly I am screaming but I won't allow them to create a hostile environment in my home, I also have another daughter to think of and actually a very happy homelife. This is a curved ball that hurts like mad, I'm currently enjoying a few drinks but come Tuesday I will be back in the gym, I've lost a lot of weight in the last 18 months and am currently half marathon training, that and the family life here will be my focus, we haven't changed, we are here anytime she gives her head a wobble!

I know it's really hard for you this is really, really common. I work with teenagers that age and it always tends to run the same course. Teenager feel a need to break away and strike out on their own, the non resident parent sweeps in as the hero of the hour not questioning any of the young person's generally exaggerated complaints, everything is hunky dory for a while until the new residential parent starts to make requests of the young person or has cause to reprimand them and then the young person starts to think maybe things aren't so great there after all.
Your daughter is going through a difficult time OP and will be questioning everything and reviewing all the things she previously took for granted.
Eventually, the dust will settle and all the good work you've done raising her will set her back on a good course.

Thank you, I hope so..

My DD is 18 - I can't imagine how you are feeling, I would be devastated.

From an outsider's point of view, I think, keep calm, let her go without fuss, be almost breezy, be supportive where necessary and pretend all is well whilst your heart, of course, is breaking.

You know that reverse psychology thing - let a child think they are allowed to do something and then they realise they didn't want to do it anyway.

I think meet her for that coffee, tell her of course you support her, she's nearly an adult, she's free to live where she wants.

Don't give her any money. Don't mention money. That's a conversation between you and ex - if he is radio silence, let him support her.

Ask her casually about school next year and whether she'll be able to work while she's at school? Give her her child benefit and sit back and wait for your bank account to think it's a holiday!

I guarantee she will be back. Grass is NEVER greener.

Keep calm. You can survive this. It's temporary.