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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD1 has left home

73 replies

LisaD1 · 24/08/2017 15:20

Where to begin.. My DD1 is 17, 18 in Feb. I left her dad when she was 2, have always maintained contact (usual every other weekend and holidays, much more flexible as she has got older depending on what she wanted, have never prevented any contact with him/his family). She's been quite grumpy and disengaged but also doing exams, have tried to coach her to talk but she's not really been interested. She went to visit him last week, due back yesterday, sent a text on Sunday to say she's not coming home, she now lives with her dad, refuses to talk about it/ doesn't want to see us. 17 years of raising her, 14 for my husband who has treated her exactly like his own.

We also have a 9 year old, she's devastated.

DD1 reasons are apparently because he gives her more freedom (We allow her to visit friends, have them over, have had large groups crashing at our house, never ever have said no but we do expect an idea of when she will be home/who will be in our home, she also is expected to keep her room tidy, do a few minor chores). at her dad's none of that applies.

I've had zero contact from her dad.

We have literally been cut off and I feel like I am about to implode.

I don't even know why I am writing this, I guess I just needed to put it all down in a safe environment.

OP posts:

thatworks · 28/08/2017 09:51

Yes, i think that is the main issue. The way she has selfishly gone about it. She has made an adult decision in an extremely hurtful and immature way. I hope she sees sense also.

Original poster

LisaD1 · 28/08/2017 09:53

Thank you :)

OP posts:

damekindness · 28/08/2017 09:56

I had this with a DD at 16/17 who tended to jump between homes according to where would be the most advantageous to her. Teenagers are self centred beings with an under developed sense of the impact they have on parents. I always maintained the moral high ground, didn't bad mouth her father and kept the door open. Ten years on I have a great relationship with her - as she does with her father. My point I suppose is that time passes and teenagers mature into adults and though it's rubbish at the time it improves eventually

CiderwithBuda · 28/08/2017 09:59

I am sorry she has done this and I can imagine how I would feel. But as others have said please don't change her room yet. Especially if you think there is a big likelihood that her grandfather will have issues with her sexuality.

Teens don't think through the consequences of their actions so she is (probably deliberately) not thinking above it how this is making you feel. And your DH and DD2. And even the dog - which is why she didn't stroke him. She is feeling a bit guilty but pushing it away.

If you change her room quickly you are likely to re-inforce her feelings that life will be better at her dads. Leave her room until she would have gone to uni. You never know - she may come back. And if she does it will be because she wants her old home and life back. And that will include her room.

cheeseandpineapple · 28/08/2017 10:08

I agree with not changing her room so quickly. That seems like a knee jerk reaction. You need to let the dust settle and see how this will pan out.

Changing her room so quickly, reinforces why she has made the decision.

The ideal outcome might be a 50/50 for the rest of the year. But that's only likely to happen if she feels welcome at your home and it feels like home from home.

She's been crass in how she's gone about the move and to that end would be inclined to write to her to say you respect her decision, would have preferred to have had more time to discuss and prepare for it but you want to make this situation work everyone so her room is still her room and she is welcome any time and you're there for her if she needs you.

And that's it, let the dust settle and take it day by day for now.

All the best, can imagine how tough this must be for you

saffronwblue · 28/08/2017 10:11

Wow I am in awe of how you are managing this painful time. Hope she comes to here senses soon- you are doing really well to be so calm and non- recriminating.

Herefortheduration · 28/08/2017 10:20

My sd came to live with us when she was17 as her relationship with her mum completely broke down over her independence, although the difference is her mother sent her to us. Sd gets far more independence at ours, the only thing I absolutely insist on is her education, I will not back down on that at all, other than that she does what she wants, I don't go in her room but as she throws out bags of rubbish and disappears with the hoover I assume she's keeping it tidy. She goes out when she wants and comes back when she wants

Herefortheduration · 28/08/2017 10:24

Sorry, I hit post by accident. Now sd is a little older her relationship with her mum is still strained as her mum still wants her to be a little girl, all compliant. Sd gets upset as she isn't the child her mother wanted, it breaks my heart, that she's so upset.

Maybe 4 days isn't long enough for her to miss you, if you try to keep communication open and relaxed she'll realise what she is missing and will slowly open up to you again.

If you're feeling neglected at 4 days and you show her that, she'll feel pressured and will back off more. Give her some space.

kittybiscuits · 28/08/2017 10:28

So your only boundary with your SD is around education? No other boundaries - she does whatever she wants. And you have joined this thread to givethe OP some advice?

Herefortheduration · 28/08/2017 10:34

What other boundaries can you really put on a 17 yo, although my sd is now 18? I'm giving examples from the other side. Give her dd some space, at day 4 nothing has been decided and everything is gut instinct at the moment.

It doesn't sound like her dd is doing anything massively wrong, shes17, she's not going wild, she's just spreading her wings a little. If op doesn't pressure her with "I thought she lived her little sister but has ignored her" and "I cleaned her vomit up" at only day 4, them dd will come back into the fold.

Herefortheduration · 28/08/2017 10:36

My sd does exactly what she wants, that doesn't automatically mean she's a wild animal, it means she's a teenager who has been brought up to have a good moral compass for herself. She's capable of doing the right thing without being led by her parents all the time.

Usually if you let go a little they do the right thing.

Herefortheduration · 28/08/2017 10:51

Sorry op, I'm probably projecting my thoughts on my situation onto yours. Sd mum threw her out for not completing to her strict rules which hadn't changed since sd was 14, at 17 she wasn't allowed to negotiate a 7pm home and 9pm bedtime. She rebelled and her mother gave her to us, sd has thrived since she came to us and she's brilliant, a really responsible student and a pretty good girl, for the most. She's a teenager enjoying life. Her mother won't even speak to her more than maybe once a month. Different situation but you hit a nerve, lol

However, if you spoke to sds mum she'd say she wasn't in the wrong as she just imposed a couple of rules. Try to have an informal chat with your dd and let her tell you rather than asking what's wrong, she'll open up.

SuburbanRhonda · 28/08/2017 10:55

I agree with letting go a little.

I definitely don't agree with going out when they want and coming back when they want. As a bare minimum I expect politeness, letting me know where they are (just a text will do), cleaning up after themselves and being part of the family.

Original poster

LisaD1 · 28/08/2017 11:29

As I said, I've never said any of the things I've written here to my daughter, I'm just venting. I need a safe place to do that so that I can hold it all together here in rl. DD1 doesn't drive yet so the only real rules we had were if she was going out with friends we needed a rough idea of time she would be home and if she was staying at friends that was fine. What we wouldn't have is an open house where we did not know if/when she was coming home (equally a text to say she had changed her mind was fine). She was also expected to keep her own room to a liveable standard (I just closed the door on it as we have different ideas of clean which I fully understand is normal) and the girls have to lay and clear the dinner table, pack their own washing away. No major rules and even the rough idea of home time would have been relaxed once she was driving (she knew this) as the main reason for it was not wanting a call to say she had got a late bus so didn't want to walk the dark roads home and wanted picking up after I had drunk a glass of wine or 2 on a sat night. I don't really know how much more freedom we could have given, they also both get an allowance (hers is double the younger one).

None of my venting is being done at or in front of the kids. I've also backed off to let her have the space she clearly wants/needs. I've sent a couple of texts but they've been breezy (one was to say she had left something here that she uses frequently and did she want someone to drop off, she replied politely and with more warmth than there has been)

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 28/08/2017 11:40

That sounds promising, sounds like you are handling it just right.

Keep venting here , it must be so hurtful.

Best wishes to you and the rest of your family

ajandjjmum · 28/08/2017 11:48

I think you've handled this brilliantly Lisa - although I can understand how much it's hurting you. It's very early days. I would agree with others about not changing her room yet - give it a few weeks.

My DD (now 24 and still the occasional drama queen!) has been known to say 'are we friends now?' and my reply is 'I am always your friend, even when you don't realise it'.

Girls are hard - vent away on MN, it's best out of your system.

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2017 11:55

You've done absolutely the right thing, OP. Take the drama right out of the situation so that she can concentrate on her exams now. She'll be your daughter for all of her life and there will be many times when she's living with her dad when she'll realise everything you've done for her and she'll miss you.

Her dad seems very immature and I'm sure it won't take her long to realise this and to see how spoiled he is himself.

Goodasgoldilox · 30/08/2017 12:24

'How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child'!

You are being brilliant - hiding your own pain and supporting your younger child too.

My father often reminded us of the old saying about growing up:
at 7 - your child thinks you know everything
at 14 your child thinks you know nothing
But then:
at 21 your child is amazed at how much you have learnt.

Living with another parent-a very different kind- is going to be learning experience for your DD.

If you could bear to keep her room as it is - it would help her and your future relationship. It is amazing how long a child needs that.

bengalcat · 30/08/2017 15:06

OP it will be ok . Youve surely done a marvellous job in bringing up your daughter with seemingly little assistance from her Dad . Take credit for the fact she has a relationship with him for now , keep those doors and channels of communication open . Don't rise to any bait or give them any ammunition . She'll be off to University next year and a new life anyway with new friends away from both of you and the credit for her achievements are surely down to you and your partner and of course her . Good luck and sorry for your pain .

Blossomflowers · 30/08/2017 16:06

Lisa I was about to start a similar thread so reading with interest. My DS 17 left home last week to live his Dad who has not been a great role model. I have remained calm but it is hard to not feel hurt. Like others day sure once the dust has settled she may realise that the grass in not so green.

Iluvthe80s · 02/09/2017 11:47

You are handling this brilliantly. Maintaining calm, no drama, keeping the door open for her, I really think that is all you can do. No negative drama from your side, for anyone to feed off. Hopefully some time apart, will help your DD appreciate what she had and everything you and your husband did for her. But as the previous poster said, it could take a while, as generally teenagers are self centerd and selfish creatures. Good luck OP

Original poster

LisaD1 · 02/09/2017 12:41

Thanks all. We've been away for a few days, felt like we needed some sea air. Haven't heard anything from DD1, last text was ignored so haven't followed it up. DD2 goes back to school next week which I think will do her good, get into a new routine and find our new normal. I'm not sleeping well at all, literally every dream is about DD1. I'm back into the gym later today and am training for a half marathon so will just focus on that for now.

OP posts:

Iluvthe80s · 02/09/2017 16:12

Exercise will hopefully help the sleep and once DD2 goes back to school, you will all fall into a new routine together!

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