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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD1 has left home

73 replies

LisaD1 · 24/08/2017 15:20

Where to begin.. My DD1 is 17, 18 in Feb. I left her dad when she was 2, have always maintained contact (usual every other weekend and holidays, much more flexible as she has got older depending on what she wanted, have never prevented any contact with him/his family). She's been quite grumpy and disengaged but also doing exams, have tried to coach her to talk but she's not really been interested. She went to visit him last week, due back yesterday, sent a text on Sunday to say she's not coming home, she now lives with her dad, refuses to talk about it/ doesn't want to see us. 17 years of raising her, 14 for my husband who has treated her exactly like his own.

We also have a 9 year old, she's devastated.

DD1 reasons are apparently because he gives her more freedom (We allow her to visit friends, have them over, have had large groups crashing at our house, never ever have said no but we do expect an idea of when she will be home/who will be in our home, she also is expected to keep her room tidy, do a few minor chores). at her dad's none of that applies.

I've had zero contact from her dad.

We have literally been cut off and I feel like I am about to implode.

I don't even know why I am writing this, I guess I just needed to put it all down in a safe environment.

OP posts:

Ellapaella · 27/08/2017 19:02

You have handled this situation brilliantly so far OP - it must be devastating for you but once the drama has died down she may rethink things. Teenagers aren't daft and she will know deep down how much you have done for her and once she is living with her father I'm sure she will start to see him in a new and less flattering light eventually.
As others have said I think all you can do now is stay outwardly calm and relaxed and text her frequently so she knows you are thinking of her but no emotional texts and no further discussion about why she left. She needs to know she can come back at any time with no hard feelings. One day you can explain that part of being a loving parent is applying boundaries and rules.

CarrieErbag · 27/08/2017 19:03

I'm afraid I have nothing to offer in the way of advice, I did just want to say it sounds like you have handled it very well.
You sound very dignified and composed in the face of such hurt, my hat is off to you.
I'm sure like everyone has said, it will all come good.
I really wish you well.

PerspicaciaTick · 27/08/2017 19:06

No wonder you and your family are hurting - such an unexpected and dramatic decision for your DD to have made without talking to you.

Hopefully you can trust your DD will fall back on the good foundations you have helped her build over the last 17.5 years. She may be making a poor decision right now (what teenager doesn't) but that doesn't mean she won't realise her mistake and turn back to you when the initial excitement wears off.

Notaneasyone4me · 27/08/2017 19:11

lisa she might not come back before uni but you will make up.

Just don't fall in to the the trap of bending over backwards for her while she is gone.

wetpebbles · 27/08/2017 19:13

Hi, this happened to me and my dd13 last New Year's Eve, happy to say she came back home after 7 months as the grass was NOT greener.

Wheelycote · 27/08/2017 19:20

She will be back ...grass is always greener.

Original poster

LisaD1 · 27/08/2017 20:17

Thanks all, I have no intention of bending over backwards for her. As much as I love her she must feel the consequences of causing such pain, one of those being that the people who have dropped everything for her throughout her entire life will still be there but not as quickly as before.

OP posts:

Notaneasyone4me · 27/08/2017 23:09

Teenage girls are hard! I'm still navigating round mine at 22!

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 27/08/2017 23:14

Not sure if this will help, but I left home at 17 because they disapproved of my boyfriend (rightly as it turned out, he was a pig). I moved in with my grandmother, and then at 18 once I'd finished school moved into a flat with said boyfriend. I had lived with my grandmother on and off throughout my life, through choice, but had always gone home eventually until that time. When my relationship with that ex ended, my relationship with my parents improved no end and we are really close now, even closer than when I still lived at home. So your dd will come back to you, in time, I'd be willing to bet. You may have to play the long game and just keep lines of communication open.

cdtaylornats · 27/08/2017 23:17

In a week or two tell her to contact DD2 as she needs to know what stuff she can throw out or keep for herself when she moves rooms.

Original poster

LisaD1 · 27/08/2017 23:21

No need for that as she came today and took everything. We will be converting that room into the den (they had a bigger room as one already) and the bigger one into a guest room. She didn't even stroke the dog when she came today apparently. I have no clue who this young lady is right now as she bears no resemblance to my girl

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nuttyknitter · 27/08/2017 23:32

She's 17 - she's old enough to decide where she lives. If you make this all about you and your hurt feelings she's even less likely to change her mind.

notapizzaeater · 27/08/2017 23:36

I left home at 17 too, I went back at 18 - just let her know the door is open

Goodasgoldilox · 27/08/2017 23:53

She is just trying this other life on for size - it is a very teen thing to do. Leaving needed to be a bit of a drama (in her head)

You are being superb at the moment - well done for playing it cool and keeping your feelings out of it.

Please try hard not to throw the '17 years of hard labour bringing you up' at her. You are her parent - all that is just what real parents do. Eventually (when she matures a bit) she will come to see this - and will realise what hurt she has caused.

You don' t need to pull the guilt strings. Doing so will be really counter-productive. Try and see it as 'Dad doing his bit at last'. He will get his just desserts. Bringing up a teen daughter is never without stress - no matter how much freedom you give. Just wait for him to find this out!

Notaneasyone4me · 28/08/2017 00:05

lisa don't touch her room. Ah thinks she is a big woman but in reality she is showing her age.

She didn't touch the dog because she is angry/ attention seeking and trying to throw her weight around and unfortunately the bloody dog got it.

Honestly, if you were on good terms with her and she was in college would you really take away her room? Keep That space open. We moved clothes in to my dd wardrobe ect.. but there was always a bed for her.

Calm and sane wine the race every time. Meanwhile to dp I can act like a spiteful catty old bitch! 🙈

Bekabeech · 28/08/2017 07:47

If you take a at her room then you are taking away her chance of really "coming back".

And also to be honest maybe she has a point. None of us know you, we can empathise as parents, but we don't know you.

Arsenicinthesugarbowl · 28/08/2017 07:56

OP I agree with the previous poster who said she is trying a new life in for size! My DD are the same age as yours and I'd be feeling the same as you. But I suspect that once the novelty wears off she might well recognise the amazing job you've done. Try to keep the lines of communication open with her even though she's trying your patience no doubt!

kittybiscuits · 28/08/2017 08:04

I've been in a similar situation and it hurts like hell. You sound like a brilliant mum. I also wouldn't change her room. I didn't think my daughter would come back but she has. She isn't really sorry as such, but it's clear she knows which side her bread his buttered on. Be kind to yourself. Being cut out by your child is so painful.

Original poster

LisaD1 · 28/08/2017 09:03

None of what I've written here would ever be said to my daughter. She's caused immense pain but I would never throw that at her, or try to guilt her, I get that teenagers do some odd stuff, my job and passion is always to protect her. I'm just venting here. We are changing her room, she will always have a place to come to but equally I am not living in limbo. It's painful for everyone to keep looking at her empty room. There's another child her to consider too and I've held her whilst she sobbed to sleep several times this week. So I'm turning this into "she would have gone to uni next year anyway, she just wants to live with her dad for this last year as she never has and wants to see what it's like. We will always have the spare room for when she wants to visit" this was the family plan for her room when she went to uni. My door is always open for her, she knows that. Yes I'm hurting, we all are but I'll let that out in private or anonymous posts. I'm pretty level headed and practical and I know that the last thing a teenager with all kinds of thoughts, feelings, and emotions needs is a guilt trip.

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pingu73 · 28/08/2017 09:19

My daughter was 9 when she did this to us. My exh and hid gf totally filled her head with how wonderful it would be and she to courts listening to the child I let her go. She would have craved living there anyway. It was like a bereavement ! I remember smelling her pillow and bursting into tears all the time. Swinging from being angry to total loss. It was incredibly painful time for everyone.
It's her 13 th birthday today and she's now wanting 50/50. Dad split from gf and the reality of looking after her was too much and he became abusive towards our daughter . Like you I've learned not to react and I'm letting her learn things for herself now. She is fully aware what an idiot he is but he's her dad so I keep out of it
This is a horrible time bout you will come through it and just cherish your little one until the older one realises what a mistake she's made.
If she doesn't then you can't change that but you can learn to live with it xxx

KarmaNoMore · 28/08/2017 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LisaD1 · 28/08/2017 09:28

Gosh that must have been so hard at 9. For me it isn't what she's done (she's old enough to decide this stuff) but the way she did it. at the end of the day though I will not create any drama around this. I've spent her entire life parenting her and trying to help her achieve everything she wants in life. She's entering a really critical year with A levels which will shape some of her future choices. I think it's vital that all drama is kept to a minimum so she has the head space to follow those uni dreams and also be allowed to concentrate on achieving her grades. I'm hoping that by taking the quiet and calm stance it will lead her dad to have to do the same and she will be able to do what she needs and wants to get the future she has worked so hard for. She's fundamentally a great person, she's just gone a little off track. Calm, quiet and space to think will hopefully do the job 🤞

OP posts:

Original poster

LisaD1 · 28/08/2017 09:29

The first thing we did was check with an adult as to where she was.

OP posts:

thatworks · 28/08/2017 09:38

OP I was your daughter once, a long time ago. I moved from my mum and step dad's house to my dad and step mum's house at 17. The grass was greener I'm afraid. I felt stifled at my mum's. I got freedom at my dad's house, I was a grown up there.

A couple of years after that I moved in with my boyfriend who then became my, now ex, husband.

I see my mum a few times a week, my dad maybe once a month at most. I'm very close to my dad though. I actually have no idea how my mum felt about it at the time, I've never asked her. Selfish teenager maybe. It was the best thing I ever did though. Loved it.

Teenagers think the world revolves around them. I have 2 kids and I'm dreading this moment when they leave and they've not even started school yet. I'm sorry to say that she might have made a good decision for herself. The way she has gone about it was wrong, that was unfair. But, again, teenagers.

Original poster

LisaD1 · 28/08/2017 09:47

Thanks thatworks for a different perspective. In all honesty I hope it does turn out to be a good decision for her, one that she feels happy with. I also hope she realises the way she did it was so wrong, hurtful and unnecessary. She needs to learn to communicate in her adult relationships, not cause unnecessary pain to others, whoever those relationships are with. Her happiness and safety have always and will always be our priority.

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