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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Inappropriate, intense 13yo romance?

58 replies

saintmonica · 12/08/2017 08:56

ds is 13.5 and has been seeing a lovely girl for 6 months, who is also 13.5.
I keep an eye on their texting as she had a period of light self harming and I think she has emotional 'issues'.
The chat recently suggests they are indulging in heavy petting.
I think this relationship is way too intense and way inappropriate for 13 yo's
Her dad is very strict and would go ape shit if he knew.
dh has been chatting to ds recently on the ins and outs of sex and how it would completely fuck up his life if it were to happen pre 16 etc etc, how he shouldn't lose his boy pals, don't get hung up on one girl so young etc. Well that's obviously gone in one ear and out the other.
Any tips how to solve this? I don't want to ground him, saying he cant see her - surely will drive them both together more? Not sure I want to let him know I've been checking his phone. Not sure if I should speak to her dad (her mum has been gone for years).
Back to school on Wed (they are at the same school). Do I cram his time full of activities and say they can only see each other on the weekends and only if they are doing something - like going to movie, shopping mall, club etc - and not just hanging around 'snogging'?

OP posts:

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 12/08/2017 09:03

Heavy petting isn't sex. And it isn't snogging either. And snogging isn't sex either.

Chill!

Original poster

saintmonica · 12/08/2017 09:07

Is heavy petting appropriate for 13 yos though?

OP posts:

metalmum15 · 12/08/2017 09:52

I suppose it depends what you mean by heavy petting though. If it's just kissing, then that's to be expected. If it's more (masturbation, oral) then 13 is too young and it's only a matter of time before they move onto full sex.

metalmum15 · 12/08/2017 09:52

Onemorewonthurt · 12/08/2017 09:56

dh has been chatting to ds recently on the ins and outs of sex and how it would completely fuck up his life if it were to happen pre 16 etc etc

You can't be serious? Your dh didn't just explain legally he needs to be 16? Not that it would completely fuck up his life

Ktown · 12/08/2017 09:58

These types of relationships are only florish if parents allow it.
Get them involved in activities and clubs and by all means allow a relationship but talk to them in unromantic terms too.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 12/08/2017 10:03

Heavy petting where I'm from means a grope and a feel.

It's such an outdated term tho

CloserIAmToFine · 12/08/2017 10:03

OneMore -- your post is everything awful about MN. CLEARLY the OP was paraphrasing what her DH said! You have no reason to believe he didn't explain the legal aspect. As he was talking to a 13-year-old, the DH was smart to focus on personal consequences rather than abstract legal concepts anyway. Kids and teens can be very self-centered in their thinking. The goal here is to prevent the kids from taking it further, not train them as solicitors.

What is the satisfaction in picking apart the OP for nonexistent "errors" that have nothing to do with the issue??? (Honest question. I'd love to hear the answer as it happens pretty frequently on here and often causes bun fights. I have to assume that is the goal?)

metalmum15 · 12/08/2017 10:07

Heavy petting is an outdated term, very 1950's. I have no idea what it means in this day and age.

RedastheRose · 12/08/2017 10:36

I really think you need to say something to both of them tbh. Perhaps you can say that if they don't cool things down then you will have to inform her Father and then the relationship will be brought to an end. 13.5 is way too young to be in a serious relationship which is heading towards being a full on sexual one. If they continue with the relationship then there is no way that they will wait until they are both 16 to have sex. Also your son is likely to be viewing pornography (most 13 year old boys do now in the way they would have been sneakily looking at dirty magazines in the past) and is likely to be the one pushing the sexual side of the relationship forward. They are both way too young and emotionally immature to be able to deal with the consequences of such actions.

Migraleve · 12/08/2017 10:42

If you could clarify what you mean by 'heavy petting' it would help people advise you further, without that we don't actually know what you mean.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 12/08/2017 10:42

There is no evidence the boy is pushing this. Do t be ridiculous.

brightlightceiling · 12/08/2017 10:44

I have no idea what heavy petting is.

brightlightceiling · 12/08/2017 10:46

According to the urban dictionary it is anything from breast massaging to mutual masturbation. So is he putting his finger in her foof or is he stroking her breast over her t shirt. Because the latter sounds fine for that age...

Original poster

saintmonica · 12/08/2017 11:07

Thanks guys. Yes dh did emphasise that is is illegal under 16, many times, THATS why he would be expelled, get a criminal record, not go to uni etc etc, fuck his life up.
It looks like they started love biting a month or so ago - I saw the marks and told ds to stop - it was trampy. Then her aunt saw them and had a Girly chat with her. They said to each other they would calm things down as they were scared of getting into trouble. I thought phew.
Then I saw a chat that she sits on his lap a lot to feel him and he has started putting his finger(s)? into her foof. (argh sooo embarrassing!) They are out and about all the time - god knows where they have found private enough to so this.
I'm not painting my ds to be a saint - but she is totally driving this - he's just a daft boy imo. She is like - I want you to do x, do y more, don't stop doing z....

OP posts:

ASauvingnonADay · 12/08/2017 11:11

Sounds like they are not far off having sex.
I do think it's a bit dramatic to say he will get expelled etc because this will not happen!

Does their school have anything like Brook or another sexual health advisory service? Have a look here: www.brook.org.uk/find-a-service
Should be something they can access during the holidays.

The key things they need educating on is being safe, consent and the law.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 12/08/2017 11:13

The weird language you are using about this isn't helping.

Original poster

saintmonica · 12/08/2017 11:15

I think dh was trying to be dramatic to scare the shit out of ds... :) Thanks Asauvignon - I'll have a look at Brook.

OP posts:

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 12/08/2017 11:21

And all the over dramatic stuff isn't helping either.

RiseToday · 12/08/2017 11:22

To be honest if they want to shag, they will find a way. You can't stop it.

The problem is that he is a horny teenage boy, this will be all that he is thinking about. But fingering at 13.....that's grim. The girl is being very forward (putting it politely), encouraging him to do these things.

Not sure how you stop it, you can only hope it fizzles out!

RiseToday · 12/08/2017 11:23

Is the OP being overly dramatic?!

Her 13 yr old son is having his cock felt and fingering a young girl. I would say that's pretty shocking.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 12/08/2017 11:32

Using language that he will be expelled and not be able to go to uni is ridiculous.
And foof. Boke.

FrancisCrawford · 12/08/2017 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 12/08/2017 11:41

Also. I don't think it's helpful for you to be blaming her. They are BOTH responsible.

Original poster

saintmonica · 12/08/2017 11:44

dh talking to him again this weekend and I am going to meet up with her parents tomorrow.
I'm not blaming her - but he is NOT instigating it. From the very beginning he has been a passenger, albeit a willing one. I wish I had stopped it in its tracks a good while ago.

OP posts:

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