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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Inappropriate, intense 13yo romance?

58 replies

saintmonica · 12/08/2017 08:56

ds is 13.5 and has been seeing a lovely girl for 6 months, who is also 13.5.
I keep an eye on their texting as she had a period of light self harming and I think she has emotional 'issues'.
The chat recently suggests they are indulging in heavy petting.
I think this relationship is way too intense and way inappropriate for 13 yo's
Her dad is very strict and would go ape shit if he knew.
dh has been chatting to ds recently on the ins and outs of sex and how it would completely fuck up his life if it were to happen pre 16 etc etc, how he shouldn't lose his boy pals, don't get hung up on one girl so young etc. Well that's obviously gone in one ear and out the other.
Any tips how to solve this? I don't want to ground him, saying he cant see her - surely will drive them both together more? Not sure I want to let him know I've been checking his phone. Not sure if I should speak to her dad (her mum has been gone for years).
Back to school on Wed (they are at the same school). Do I cram his time full of activities and say they can only see each other on the weekends and only if they are doing something - like going to movie, shopping mall, club etc - and not just hanging around 'snogging'?

OP posts:
Hihosilverlining11 · 13/08/2017 09:11

Telling him he will get expelled for shagging is the equivalent of telling kids they will die after smoking weed once. They aren't stupid , will see others doing it and not having those consequences and will learn it isnt true and will wonder what else is a lie and ignore your warnings.

He will also learn you would be the worst to approach if they ever need MAP.

I understand why you are checking his chats but he will be devastated and humiliated if he ever finds out. I would consider this with your approach.

Joinourclub · 13/08/2017 09:15

I understand your concern. And agree that 13 is too young to be moving towards sex. But trying to scare him is not the way to deal with it. He will not be expelled or get a criminal record and it is ridiculous to say that. He will know sexually active teens and know that it isn't true.

I think the best strategy is just to keep a closer eye on them and keep him busy with other activities and friends to try to reduce the intensity of their relationship.

And have an honest conversation with him about sex. About safe sex. About emotions. About sensible reasons for waiting until they are older rather than scary reasons.

And yes the thought of your 13 year old son heavy petting must be grim, but it isn't sex. Saying 'no more heavy petting' isn't going to work as they've tried it and obviously find it enjoyable. Better that they do that for a while longer rather than quickly move on to sex. So a conversation about taking your time, explaining that just because 'x'has been tried doesn't mean 'y' must be tried.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 13/08/2017 09:15

I missed that. At 13 you most certainly should nit be checking his phone without his knowledge.

You haven't a leg to stand on with the "be open and honest" conversation you are being underhanded.

I checked phones up until about 14/15 ish. But mine knew I was doing it.

unwantedwoman · 13/08/2017 09:18

Ffs let him have a girlfriend! It comes down to, do you trust him?

unwantedwoman · 13/08/2017 09:20

Does he even know you can see his chat? I certainly wouldn't be talking like that if I knew my mum was reading what I was writing!!!

blameitonthebipolar · 13/08/2017 09:28

Hi op, my ds is 14.5 and has told me he likes a girl who likes him too, they are already great friends.

I've been open with him for as long as I can remember and we have the type of relationship where no subject is off limits, can be a blessing and a curse at timesGrin
him wanting to know about me losing my virginity which of course I didn't answer

His friend asked him to go to a country park nearby this week, just the two of them ( they're normally in a group ) and ds was petrified! He told me that none of his friends have kissed anyone yet and he's worried about what to do, he made an excuse and didn't go.

I would be shocked if a year ago my ds was doing the things that your ds is doing- but -
I know it's a sign of the times and probably not unusual.
I think you're handling it very well and it must be so difficult to read these conversations.
I'm dreading all of it to be honest, my ds has AS and I can see him getting his heart broken very easily, he's an emotional type and wears his heart on his sleeve.

Good luck with the chat todayFlowers

Migraleve · 13/08/2017 09:30

Ffs let him have a girlfriend! It comes down to, do you trust him?

Are you on a different thread? Or did you miss the bit where two 13 year olds are touching each other's genitals Confused

JadeT2 · 13/08/2017 13:07

saint I did think they must have artistic interests or it would've been a bit random! Hope coffee goes well Grin

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