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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Inappropriate, intense 13yo romance?

58 replies

saintmonica · 12/08/2017 08:56

ds is 13.5 and has been seeing a lovely girl for 6 months, who is also 13.5.
I keep an eye on their texting as she had a period of light self harming and I think she has emotional 'issues'.
The chat recently suggests they are indulging in heavy petting.
I think this relationship is way too intense and way inappropriate for 13 yo's
Her dad is very strict and would go ape shit if he knew.
dh has been chatting to ds recently on the ins and outs of sex and how it would completely fuck up his life if it were to happen pre 16 etc etc, how he shouldn't lose his boy pals, don't get hung up on one girl so young etc. Well that's obviously gone in one ear and out the other.
Any tips how to solve this? I don't want to ground him, saying he cant see her - surely will drive them both together more? Not sure I want to let him know I've been checking his phone. Not sure if I should speak to her dad (her mum has been gone for years).
Back to school on Wed (they are at the same school). Do I cram his time full of activities and say they can only see each other on the weekends and only if they are doing something - like going to movie, shopping mall, club etc - and not just hanging around 'snogging'?

OP posts:
Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 12/08/2017 11:45

You cannot stop teenage love in its tracks. It has to run its course.

Threenme · 12/08/2017 11:50

I know it's a cop out but I'd talk to her dad, not detail but just that you feel it's too intense. If he's very strict he might play bad cop for you op. I also think your dh is going a very good job and saying all the right things. They will 100% believe they are in ever lasting love and I think am out and out ban will just convince them they are in a Romeo and Juliet situation!

Rainatnight · 12/08/2017 11:52

Hollllllld on OP and RiseToday, where's the evidence that she's driving this? That's very outdated thinking, and paints her (who is also only 13) as a harlot and the boy as only going along with it.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 12/08/2017 11:53

Saying ridiculous things they know isn't true just means that your DS won't listen to the rest of the message. He will hear the hyperbole and switch off.

Original poster
saintmonica · 12/08/2017 11:56

I've seen all their online chat for the past 6 months. I can see what she says v what he says!

OP posts:
Original poster
saintmonica · 12/08/2017 11:57

Good point though Mychild, I'm sure he hears blah blah blah - and thinks 'what do THEY know of love!?'

OP posts:
Rainatnight · 12/08/2017 11:59

Ok, but he's showing up and, bluntly, fingering her. I don't mean to be harsh but I don't think you'll be effective in how you deal with this if you treat him like a passenger. He's a willing participant.

NipInTheAir · 12/08/2017 11:59

Shame It's the end of the holidays. Two week family holiday then some exciting residential activities would have put the lid on it.

They are 13.5. Presumably they have after school activities such as sport, drama, choir? Then Sunday to Thursday it's homework and bed by 10 latest. Friday's and Saturdays you are going to have to start organising stuff. Bowling, mini golf, etc.. I wouldn't discuss. I'd just make sure he's got much more interesting stuff to do.

Original poster
saintmonica · 12/08/2017 12:04

That was my plan Nip. Back to school Wed and then loads of after school stuff. I'm hoping the other parents agree to them only being allowed together if they are on a proper 'date' like at one of our houses watching movies, drawing etc, going to the mall, or trampolining etc.

OP posts:
villarenter30 · 12/08/2017 13:55

They are both responsible - the fact you have seen whats shes writing to him doesn't mean that when they are together he's not saying stuff to her ....hard as that is to accept about your son you've only got one side of proof there - boys 13 to 20 think with their dicks and if he's being offered it ...he'll take it, very few don't. And yes other posters are right if they're going to do it they'll find a way so you are better off keeping them safe. Unfortuntately because of the world we live in now this is not unusual behaviour, but they think they're in love and it will last for ever until they both get a little older and realise it was the hormones totally - you can only advise and guide and point out all the pitfalls - it is very young to be involved in sexual behaviour but don't beat yourself up thinking its only your kid but be sure to realise its both of them not just her - don't try and give ultimatums you'll probably push them further together - this time next year there will probably be another huge love for both or one of them - keep them safe - it will run its course

Catinthecorner · 12/08/2017 14:07

To be honest at this stage I'd have another chat with your son. If he's going to have sex he must use protection. Stock him up.

15MinutesWithYou · 12/08/2017 14:10

This is fairly common, I think. I'm a secondary school teacher and when I had a year 8 form was shocked at the amount of 13 yos there was concern and child protection issues about having sexual relationships with each other. I went to an all girls school 20 years ago so was sheltered but it probably happened back then too, we just didn't have anyone to do if with.

brightlightceiling · 12/08/2017 14:27

It sounds like they are going very far for that age. It is really hard to stop them if they really want to do this. You could have a chat with her dad without telling the details. Maybe express that you are concerned how serious they take their relationship and how much time the spend on it. See what he thinks.

mathanxiety · 12/08/2017 18:36

Tell her mum and dad and stop this by any means possible. Do not accuse their DD of leading your son on. He is not just a daft boy.
Tell them you are worried for their daughter's sake. Ask for their support in ending this.

Get your son into every extra curricular activity available - sport, martial arts, drama, volunteering at a food bank, tutoring, music, whatever you can find to occupy him almost completely 7 days a week for the next few months. If they're in school together, tell the school what has been going on.

His dad needs to find some hobby or activity they can do together. Scouting, hiking, go-carting, Minecraft, triathlon training, anything.

Lasagna · 12/08/2017 19:12

Shame It's the end of the holidays
Back to school Wed

Where abouts are you that they're going back so early? We still have another 3-4 weeks of our summer holidays left. Are you not in the Uk?

Horses4 · 12/08/2017 19:16

Lasagna, Scottish schools go back this week.

Love51 · 12/08/2017 19:20

Presumably Scotland. Every year, they break up earlier and go back earlier than England and Wales.

iMatter · 12/08/2017 19:22

13.5?

Fuck.

My ds is almost 13. I am so not ready for this.

It all sounds so much earlier than when I was a lass.

Shouldn't they be playing with Lego? Confused

mathanxiety · 12/08/2017 22:15

Yes they should, iMatter, and this is not the norm at all.

JadeT2 · 12/08/2017 22:30

It was Year 9/10 in my school for this type of "activity", and I assume they are going into the (equivalent of) Year 9 when they return to school so I can't say it's as shocking as others have found it, but still obviously worrying for you. I think it's a good idea to have them spend time on dates more than anything though, it's important they recognise that that is more appropriate, and also emphasise how it's reflective of adult relationships. (I am a little bit bemused that you suggested they would be drawing though?!)

ASauvingnonADay · 12/08/2017 23:35

I disagree that it's not the norm. Some 13 year olds may be playing with lego, but plenty (unfortunately) are doing this stuff, but usually quite good at hiding it.

Original poster
saintmonica · 13/08/2017 08:25

JadeT2 - they are both very arty and go to art clubs. So - they do love drawing.
I'm having coffee this afternoon with the parents - god knows how its going to go!

OP posts:
Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 13/08/2017 08:39

None of mine at 13 were playing with lego. It went around 11.

One of mine was most certainly copping a feel of boobs through clothes and receiving something similar in return - and snogging - at just about to turn 14 but not 14 yet.

Migraleve · 13/08/2017 08:54

OP I can only offer you one piece of advice here....

Stop removing your sons responsibility.

TheIntrovertedMum · 13/08/2017 08:55

This scares the life out of me! I didn't have my first kiss until I was 14! Never mind fingering Blush. I would deffo try and get him interested in loads of activities so he doesn't have time for her. Let us know how the coffee with the parents goes!