16 year old overnight with boyfriend?

[sarah16]

Maybe this is the wrong place to post this, as I know mumsnet is for, well, parents, but I feel like I need an outside opinion. I'm a 16 and a half year old girl, who has a strong relationship with my parents. I always tell them the truth, I respect them, and I am very close with them, my mum especially.

I've had a boyfriend for almost a year and a half now, and am sexually active with him. My parents know this, and I am on birth control. My parents don't support my relationship with him, and for this reason they don't allow him to be in the house. Although I dislike this rule, I respect my parents and their judgement, and therefore don't go against this. However, this can make it quite difficult for me to see him. We mostly see each other for a few hours in town together during the afternoon, or at social events such as parties with lots of other friends.

We're both on summer break, and have decided to book a hotel for an overnight together, as we barely ever get to spend more than a few hours with each other and I want to be able to spend the night with him. We've decided to do this as I want to be intimate with my boyfriend, however I respect my parents rule of him not being allowed in the house (we can't go to my boyfriend's house either as he has a very overprotective family).

When the plan was made, I told my mum the complete truth about it, as I don't want to lie to her and felt she should know where I would be. The hotel is less than a 15 minute drive from my house, it's in the city that I live in, it's not as though I'm leaving the country or even my town.

Although my mum doesn't like my boyfriend, she has decided to let me make my own decisions with this matter and I'm grateful for that. My mum then told my dad my plans, and he hasn't taken it as well. He really doesn't like my boyfriend, and is often very rude about him, which upsets me. Because I told my parents the truth about my plans, I now feel isolated in my home by my dad, who instead of facing the situation head on and having a discussion with me about his feelings, makes offensive remarks about how I'm an embarrassment, and refuses to have a proper discussion with me. He'll say rude things as soon as I've left the room but am still within earshot, and I hate feeling shunned in my family, and it's making me feel guilty about the booking of the hotel.

I haven't seen my boyfriend in over a month as we've both been on holidays abroad with family, and I barely get to see him during the school terms as we're both very dedicated to our studies and I value my education above everything. I want to understand my parent's point of view, especially my dad's, and I feel guilty now, and worry that I should cancel the hotel booking. Is my dad being too rude/over-protective, or am I crossing a line?
Any opinions and advice would be gratefully accepted.

I think you should cancel the hotel booking. Are you even sure that the hotel will let two under 18s check in?

That is not to say that you should not be having sex with your boyfriend if you want to. You are clearly quite committed to each other. Well done for being open with your mum, it shows your maturity.

I suspect the problem with your dad is that he simply wasn't expecting to have to think about his little girl having sex just yet. My child is much younger, but to be frank I would be very dubious about pre-university age having sex under my roof, even if it is legal. But, I would much prefer the sex to take place under my roof than in a dodgy hotel, or out and about somewhere, as at least then I would know you were both safe.

Talking of safe, please make sure you are taking the pill correctly/using condoms as well. Your dad is probably also frightened of a teen pregnancy.

I'd try and talk to your mum a bit more. Maybe if your dad had a chance to get to know your boyfriend better he'd be less reluctant for you to both stay at your home. I hate to say it though, but when my mum didn't like my boyfriends, I was outraged, but with hindsight she was quite right about them. Please take a moment to consider whether there could be any grounds at all for the dislike before dismissing it out of hand

Rude remarks from your dad are completely not on though. On this point, I would say to your mum how upsetting you find this, and ask her to make him stop. It is ridiculous for a grown man to act this way.

What are your parents' objections to him? Is it just that they can't stand to see you grow up, or is it more than that?

My top priority when my children were that age was that they shouldn't get pregnant/get someone else pregnant. Is this what rules your parents' thinking?

Thank you for your reply!
The hotel is a simple travel lodge in my town, it's a clean and standard hotel in a safe area. My boyfriend is 18, so he has made the booking, however I've checked the terms and conditions and they allow anyone 16 years and older to make bookings, so we would be allowed to check in.
My parents will definitely not allow my boyfriend in the house, and as it is their house and they pay the bills, I respect this. I've had sex a few times with my boyfriend and I've been on the pill since last November, always take it at the correct time and make sure to use a condom as well (even though we were both virgins, so STD's aren't a huge risk).
I understand what you're saying about my dad not wanting his little girl to grow up, and I want to speak to him about this in a mature manner but he can be very temperamental in situations he isn't happy with, and can make rude comments, which leads then from it being a discussion to an argument. I really wouldn't want to cancel the hotel booking as I miss my boyfriend and barely get to see him, but I hate this frosty environment at home and hate feeling exiled by my dad.

While a part of me us dreading this with my own girls, you sound really sensible and mature. I think your dad is just struggling with you growing up. Talk to your mum and explain how isolated you feel. They risk distancing themselves from you which in the long run would be a real shame.

As for the hotel, it sounds nice. I had to camp at your age to be alone with my then bf.

It's a bit of both with why my parents dislike him; my dad doesn't like the idea of me having a serious relationship involving sex at all, and although my mum is okay with me having a boyfriend, she would really prefer it to be in a very innocent manner.
My parents also dislike him because they find him arrogant, and because on the occasions my boyfriend and I have had silly fights (not over anything serious, just teenage drama), I vent to my parents, especially my mum about how I'm feeling at the time, and then she tells my dad, and it leads to them believing him to not be good for me.

Thank you for all the replies!

I really value my relationship with my parents, and it upsets me when there's a coldness in the household. I understand my dad struggles with me growing up and I do try and talk to him about this, but he can be hurtful with what he says. I want to be intimate with my boyfriend in a safe environment whilst respecting my parent's rules, and this seems the only suitable option. I'm paying for it myself with my own money, and I'm transporting myself there and back, I'm not asking my parents to do anything to facilitate this if they do not approve, but I hate feeling so exiled in my house with my dad.

What are the silly fights about?

My boyfriend and I have had silly fights over just standard teenage drama. I got very upset with him because I was starting my GCSE year and felt as though I wasn't going to be able to handle my studies and having a relationship, and this caused a big argument (I've finished my GCSEs now, turns out you can study hard and have a boyfriend!) Other things include that because he's 18 now he can go out to clubs, and I got jealous about not being able to go because I'm not old enough, I was invited to a party once and he wasn't which caused a little argument. A lot of it is just over silly things, and we always make up and apologise. The biggest fight, would probably be when we had sex for the first time, and I got scared because although we had used a condom and he didn't ejaculate, I wasn't on birth control (I am now), and I freaked out and began an argument with him about how I could be pregnant (I was not pregnant.) My parents know about that, and all the other silly fights my boyfriend and I have had as I am very candid and open with my parents about my emotions, but this can cause them to hold grudges about my friends/boyfriend

You have had some sound advice here. From my experience, when parents hate boyfriends it is usually for good reason. My dad was similar to yours when I was your age. We actually stopped speaking for a long time over a boyfriend (my parents were split). I'm 32 now and looking back, he was right, with both boyfriends he complained about. So on that note, I would listen to your parents about whether this boyfriend is any good for you. It probably isn't about you growing up, as much as you may think it is, that's just your age showing.

You sound like such a lovely, smart, mature young women and your parents should be proud of you. I know I would be if you were my daughter.

Whilst I totally understand you wanting to have a night away I think maybe you should put it on hold until you've sorted things with your dad, your boyfriend may not be around forever but your dad will always be your dad.

I don't agree with your parents not allowing your boyfriend over just because they don't want you to be in a serious relationship. You're very mature to respect their decisions because I know I wouldn't be happy about it at your age and would've thrown one half of a tantrum

I take my parents advice on a lot of things, and you're right in that there's a high chance I will not be with my boyfriend for the rest of my life. We're both young, we're both going to go to different universities most likely, and meet new people in life. However, right now, I want to be with him and I don't believe he is a danger to me in any way. He's never physically struck me, he's never cheated or done anything to seriously emotionally hurt me. The most he's done to upset me is cancelled a few dates at the last minute, and I tell my parents this, they then see him as unreliable and it's another reason to dislike him. I do take on board what you're saying, and my parents are right about most things. I'm not a very rebellious child and turn to my parents, especially my mum, for help and support. I hate not having a happy relationship with my parents over a boyfriend, however he does mean a great deal to me and I want to be intimate with him.

What form do these arguments take, though? Does your boyfriend always win them? Does he shout? Sulk until he gets his own way? How did he respond when you were upset about not being able to go to a club? Did he properly listen to what you were saying, or brush it off? Is he the dominant party in your relationship? Who decides what to do when you go out?

I feel there is a significant difference in maturity between a 16 and 18 year old, and as the parent of the younger one in a relationship I would be hyper alert to signs of the older one taking advantage of the younger.

Will he be off to uni in the autumn? Maybe another worry is that either he will head off and keep you hanging on at home while enjoying himself, or you will end up at lots of student parties with people quite a lot older than you.

Thank you all for such kind replies, you've really helped me try harder to see it from their perspective.

They won't let him come over at all because they don't like him, he's been over twice before (months ago) and although I didn't believe he did anything rude or offensive, my parents found he had an arrogant vibe and believe he doesn't treat me well. This is their judgement, and although I've tried to change their view, it's not going to happen.

My parents aren't stopping me from having a night away, but my dad's remarks upset me. I come from a usually supportive and always loving family background, but my dad can create a cold atmosphere when he doesn't agree with something I'm doing. Out of worry about losing my strong relationship with my parents and having fights with them, I risk losing something I really, really want to do with my boyfriend. I barely ever get to see him, and when I do it's for a few hours maximum.

Why did he cancel the dates? Out with mates? Someone more important came up? I agree that repetitive cancellation implies he has little respect for you. Now in my 30s I will overlook one last minute cancellation, for good reason, but not multiple. Do you feel he values and respects you?

Have you heard the phrase 'do not make someone a priority if for them you are merely an option'?

I agree. They mostly are silly arguments. But how frequent are they? Are your parents seeing you upset a lot? Do they feel he unsettles you? How is he arrogant?
It's hard to like someone who causes a lot of angst and tears in dc.

He's a year and a half older than me, his birthday is the beginning of July so he's only the year above me at school, so still has another year left in education before he goes to uni.

I think I'm quite mature for 16 years old, and my boyfriend can act immature at times. I wouldn't say he is the dominant party in the relationship, but he hates arguing with me and so can brush off or ignore things, out of worry he'll start an argument with me. I'm someone who hates avoiding problems and would rather just face a situation head on, so this can frustrate me. He reassured me lots about him going to a club, with even his best friend messaging me to let me know I shouldn't be worried or jealous.

However when my boyfriend does do something such as ignore something I've said which could potentially lead to an argument, or cancel a date (his family are very overprotective and so in the past have forced him to change plans at the last minute), I would always tell my parents, so they've basically accumulated a year and a half's worth of little fights and fall outs, so in their eyes he doesn't treat me well.

Gently, I also think going forward you need to reassess your bottom line of acceptable behaviour. You mention he has never physically struck you or cheated as if those were unusual positives. They are extreme (and in part abusive) behaviour that shouldn't even be on your radar of what means your relationship is a good one. With any decent partner this would go so far without saying... have you ever been frightened of him?

Honestly a lot of the silly fights are about teenage drama, and not over major things. I hate that he cancels on me occasionally, but he comes from a family background which is very different to mine. His parents are very controlling, such as even though he is 18, his phone is set to not be able to access wifi after 9:30pm, he isn't allowed on the family computer without asking first, and although he can drive is very infrequently allowed use of the car. They also don't want him having a relationship, and so would often say at the last minute he has to do something with his family, and cancel on me. He's never cancelled on me for any reason other than his family, and I understand he doesn't have much control in his house.

You need to stop telling your parents every little thing about your relationship with your boyfriend. It's ok to want a close relationship with your mum but she's not being very supportive by banning your BF from your house.

My boyfriend has only just turned 18 in the past few weeks, he is going into Upper 6th in the autumn term and is someone I believe to be a good person. I've never been frightened of him and I'm not someone who would allow myself to be treated really badly by a guy. I voice my opinion and let him know if I'm upset or want to discuss something with him, as he does with me. I believe we have a standard teenage relationship, albeit one in which parents are an issue and I don't get to see him much. He makes me really happy, and I feel very comfortable around him, and I trust him.

I tell my parents basically everything that goes on in my life, and if I'm frustrated about something I rant to my mum, even if it's something silly, and then we can have a laugh about it. However, this can be a problem because, say I have a fall out with a friend at school and I tell my mum about it, and then resolve my disagreement with my friend and get back on terms with her, my mum still remembers me ranting about the issue. This is a lot of why my parents don't like him; he is someone who can be arrogant/confident (this is because he's quite a high achiever, he got all A's and A*'s at GCSE, he's taking 5 AS Levels and is on a scholarship for rowing, so it can sound like he's bragging when he tells people this type of stuff), and my parents just accumulate all the negative stuff I've said (even though it's silly stuff), and then don't approve of him.

You sound like a terrifically sensible and lovely young woman. I wish you were my DD to be honest! Much more sensible than I was at your age I think you have your head screwed on well and are capable of dealing with most situations. Good on you!

So after the details you've given I think your mum and dad have a point. You are only 16 and still need a lot of emotional support off them. Which is quite appropriate at your age but it would suggest to me that if you aren't able to manage without that level of emotional support that in the nicest way you aren't mature enough for a sexual relationship.
It is what I would be discussing with my dc.
Given that you have seen each other for a month and your boyfriend has booked a travel lodge for a night I probably wouldn't be happy either and you don't want to know what my df would have said 30 years ago!
I'd also be worrying about you going places without knowing where and be worried about the travel lodge tbh . They aren't the nicest places - or I've just been unlucky!

I like having a close relationship with my mum though, I wouldn't want to stop telling her about my life and being able to talk to her about it. My parents in general won't let me have even guy friends over in the house for any longer than a couple of hours, and I have to stay in the front room, they aren't allowed upstairs or in my bedroom, the front room door has to stay open and my parents be coming in and out of the room whenever they want. This is their house so I respect that, but you can see that I wouldn't really be allowed a boyfriend over and have any privacy.

Thank you all for the advice, this is really helping me see different perspectives on the matter.

I understand my parents have a point. I don't feel it's that I need emotional support from my parents, as much as that I simply enjoy being close with them and having them involved in my life. I wouldn't want to be lying or sneaking around without them knowing what I'm doing.

I feel mature enough for a sexual relationship, and I always use protection, both condom and on birth control. I trust my boyfriend and feel comfortable around him.

It was my idea as well as my boyfriend's to book a hotel for an overnight, and we'd discussed it in the past but believed it best to wait until summer to do it because we both had important exams and needed to focus on those. The hotel is in an area I know very well, and only 15 minutes from my house. Although I've never been in the actual travel lodge before I researched it a lot and the reviews are overall very good, it seems like a clean place that's safe.