16 year old overnight with boyfriend?

[sarah16]

Maybe this is the wrong place to post this, as I know mumsnet is for, well, parents, but I feel like I need an outside opinion. I'm a 16 and a half year old girl, who has a strong relationship with my parents. I always tell them the truth, I respect them, and I am very close with them, my mum especially.

I've had a boyfriend for almost a year and a half now, and am sexually active with him. My parents know this, and I am on birth control. My parents don't support my relationship with him, and for this reason they don't allow him to be in the house. Although I dislike this rule, I respect my parents and their judgement, and therefore don't go against this. However, this can make it quite difficult for me to see him. We mostly see each other for a few hours in town together during the afternoon, or at social events such as parties with lots of other friends.

We're both on summer break, and have decided to book a hotel for an overnight together, as we barely ever get to spend more than a few hours with each other and I want to be able to spend the night with him. We've decided to do this as I want to be intimate with my boyfriend, however I respect my parents rule of him not being allowed in the house (we can't go to my boyfriend's house either as he has a very overprotective family).

When the plan was made, I told my mum the complete truth about it, as I don't want to lie to her and felt she should know where I would be. The hotel is less than a 15 minute drive from my house, it's in the city that I live in, it's not as though I'm leaving the country or even my town.

Although my mum doesn't like my boyfriend, she has decided to let me make my own decisions with this matter and I'm grateful for that. My mum then told my dad my plans, and he hasn't taken it as well. He really doesn't like my boyfriend, and is often very rude about him, which upsets me. Because I told my parents the truth about my plans, I now feel isolated in my home by my dad, who instead of facing the situation head on and having a discussion with me about his feelings, makes offensive remarks about how I'm an embarrassment, and refuses to have a proper discussion with me. He'll say rude things as soon as I've left the room but am still within earshot, and I hate feeling shunned in my family, and it's making me feel guilty about the booking of the hotel.

I haven't seen my boyfriend in over a month as we've both been on holidays abroad with family, and I barely get to see him during the school terms as we're both very dedicated to our studies and I value my education above everything. I want to understand my parent's point of view, especially my dad's, and I feel guilty now, and worry that I should cancel the hotel booking. Is my dad being too rude/over-protective, or am I crossing a line?
Any opinions and advice would be gratefully accepted.

Bollocks! I first had sex at 16. My parents never interfered in my sex life (apart from sending my little brother into the room to make sure we weren't up to anything).

And you don't have to stay overnight if you're determined to do this. Book the hotel, sleep with your bf and go home to your parents. Don't make a big deal about it.

My guess is that 2 such usually supportive parents probably have a very different take on this though and there's probably good reason they're getting shirty.

IMO you've told them too much. Now they know, you need to cancel the booking and pretend it's not happening.

You will probably find when you're old (I'm probably the same age as your parents) that they are right about the bf. They are looking out for your best interests. But, you have to find this out for yourself. IN the meantime, sneak around like a normal 16yr old fgs, and stop telling them every little detail! We don't want to know fingers in ears

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely, thoughtful, and intelligent young woman.

"He's never physically struck me, he's never cheated or done anything to seriously emotionally hurt me."

This shouldn't even be on your radar. Honestly. Good men don't do those things, why were you even thinking about stuff like this?

Some of these replies have been very lovely, thank you!!

I've spoken more with my mum and she's going to be speaking to my dad about how he has acted with this situation, because she knows how hurtful I find the remarks when I'm intentionally out of the room but within earshot of what he's saying.

When I said those extremes, I was only trying to enforce the point that my boyfriend is not a bad person, and hasn't done anything awful to me. If it came across as I believed those things were normal behaviour and that I should be glad they hadn't happened, then I didn't mean for it to be shown in that way.

Booking the hotel isn't just about wanting to have sex with my boyfriend, I want to spend time with him, in private. It's been months since I've been alone with him, and I want to spend a night with him, and sleep with him in the most innocent sense as well.

Thank you all for your advice!

Sarah I am this exact stage with my daughter (same age as you and her BF is also a year older). I freaked out when I found out they were having sex but only because it was a shock. I am now fairly relaxed about it. She's been wanting to stay the night at her BFs house but I kept saying no as i didn't know where he lived/ never spoke to his parents etc. So we got into this crazy situation where he was driving her home at 4am and usually wakening us up. Usually they would be sleeping before this and he would therefore be driving her v tired. We talked about it again (she tells me they don't always have sex- often they just watch movies and fall asleep ) but it was that thing of just wanting to relax alone together. So I've now given her my blessing and we are all more relaxed about it but it's taken me a few months and there's been lots of arguments on the way. Hopefully your parents will come round and see that a) they can't stop you growing up/having sex, b) they can't insulate you again hurt/bad experinces/harm and c) they can only advise and hope you make the "right" choices in life. So I guess I am saying - it's hard for them too but you sound like you've got your head screwed on and hopefully things will settle down

You sound like a lovely young lady. I think your honesty is really refreshing and I think your parents should be proud of themselves because it is clear that they have brought you up really well and that despite their dissaproval of your boyfriend you still feel close enough to them and trust them enough to be open with them. As a parent I must admit I would be really worried if I were in your parents position. They only want the very very best for you. They see what you don't see regarding your boyfriend and I think they have displayed real patience and restraint especially your dad who must be so worried. I am not sure which one of you suggested you have sex but you are so young, and the reason that you probably don't have more freedom to see your boyfriend at his house or yours is because you are sexually active. This is definitely the main reason. His and your parents don't want to encourage you or be responsible if you get pregnant. Even though you are careful pregnancy is still a risk. It will affect your life a thousand times more than your boyfriend. Think about the reasons why you want to have sex with him at this age, is it because you think he might lose interest? You have your whole life ahead of you. You are much too young to be arranging to have sex in a motel room with your boyfriend. Your parents are very tolerant but this will be very painful for them and really hard to cope with. Just slow down and take your time, sex should be something special with someone you want to have a future with. You said it yourself that you don't think the relationship will last long term. Please think carefully and weigh up your parents advice - they love you as I said before and only want the very best for you.

Hi everyone, thanks for all the replies. After further speaking to my parents and my boyfriend, I've decided not to go to the hotel with him. I don't want to cause tension in my household and I can understand why my parents don't believe this is a good idea, as they only want what is best for me. I've worked really hard to see it from their perspective, and I am going to go with what they believe is best.

Although I do want private time with my boyfriend and don't believe I will get this in the near future, as he's out of the country for the rest of the summer and then we start back at school and I'll have to focus on my studies, I trust my parents that this is the right decision. Thank you all so much for your advice and it's been really interesting hearing different opinions on the situation! Hope everyone is happy and healthy :)

Bless you, you're a credit to them. But what a shame they cannot see things from your point of view as well as you do from theirs.
I have two teens and we are close. If you were my daughter o would allow you more contact and would be pleased you had been honest about the hotel and it wouldn't have been a problem.
All the best to you, you sound like a very mature young woman. Stay strong 💕

I think you sound like a really delightful young woman. My daughter was allowed to have her boyfriend stay over at around the same age, 17. She had been in a relationship with her boyfriend for about six months to a year when I allowed it. She ws allowed to stay at his house and they were committed to each other and I liked him. I think we have to accept when our children become sexually active if they are responsible , use contraception and are in a stable relationship. However it sound like your parents are struggling coming to terms with this, it's one thing to know it's going on somewhere else, another to have your child having sex in your house.

However you are going to a hotel, and you are old enough to do so if this is acceptable policy at the Travel Lodge. You have been honest with your parents and respectful. I think they should be very glad to have such a lovely daughter who confides in them and treats them with respect.

Thank you so much! 💕

Sorry, just read the update.