Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

16 year old overnight with boyfriend?

63 replies

sarah16 · 29/07/2017 21:03

Maybe this is the wrong place to post this, as I know mumsnet is for, well, parents, but I feel like I need an outside opinion. I'm a 16 and a half year old girl, who has a strong relationship with my parents. I always tell them the truth, I respect them, and I am very close with them, my mum especially.

I've had a boyfriend for almost a year and a half now, and am sexually active with him. My parents know this, and I am on birth control. My parents don't support my relationship with him, and for this reason they don't allow him to be in the house. Although I dislike this rule, I respect my parents and their judgement, and therefore don't go against this. However, this can make it quite difficult for me to see him. We mostly see each other for a few hours in town together during the afternoon, or at social events such as parties with lots of other friends.

We're both on summer break, and have decided to book a hotel for an overnight together, as we barely ever get to spend more than a few hours with each other and I want to be able to spend the night with him. We've decided to do this as I want to be intimate with my boyfriend, however I respect my parents rule of him not being allowed in the house (we can't go to my boyfriend's house either as he has a very overprotective family).

When the plan was made, I told my mum the complete truth about it, as I don't want to lie to her and felt she should know where I would be. The hotel is less than a 15 minute drive from my house, it's in the city that I live in, it's not as though I'm leaving the country or even my town.

Although my mum doesn't like my boyfriend, she has decided to let me make my own decisions with this matter and I'm grateful for that. My mum then told my dad my plans, and he hasn't taken it as well. He really doesn't like my boyfriend, and is often very rude about him, which upsets me. Because I told my parents the truth about my plans, I now feel isolated in my home by my dad, who instead of facing the situation head on and having a discussion with me about his feelings, makes offensive remarks about how I'm an embarrassment, and refuses to have a proper discussion with me. He'll say rude things as soon as I've left the room but am still within earshot, and I hate feeling shunned in my family, and it's making me feel guilty about the booking of the hotel.

I haven't seen my boyfriend in over a month as we've both been on holidays abroad with family, and I barely get to see him during the school terms as we're both very dedicated to our studies and I value my education above everything. I want to understand my parent's point of view, especially my dad's, and I feel guilty now, and worry that I should cancel the hotel booking. Is my dad being too rude/over-protective, or am I crossing a line?
Any opinions and advice would be gratefully accepted.

OP posts:

ChasingHighs · 29/07/2017 22:18

Your parents seem quite controlling to me.

Original poster

sarah16 · 29/07/2017 22:21

I believe my parents are strict, however I don't find them controlling. I know they want what's best for me, and they support me as best as they can.

OP posts:

Florriesma · 29/07/2017 22:28

At 16 ops parents are entitled to be quote controlling are they not? A couple of years down the line and it would be inappropriate yes.
Op it's quite right that you're close to your mum. All I'm saying is that as you get older you won't necessarily feel the need to tell your mum everything that happens. I told my dm everything at your age so I'm certainly not suggesting you shouldnt. I grew out of it though as it wouldn't be appropriate to spill everything about a relationship now.
Also one final point if you know you're parent s want what's best for you why not trust them on this? In a couple of years you'll be off to uni all being well and you won't need to be booking travel lodges

ChasingHighs · 29/07/2017 22:33

I think trying to control a 16 year olds relationships is not the best way to parent a teenager. They are lucky the OP is not rebelling against their strictness.

There is a massive difference between controlling and being supportive.

Original poster

sarah16 · 29/07/2017 22:36

I want to trust my parents, however this is something I really, really want to do. I basically never have the chance to be intimate with my boyfriend, and the last time we had actual privacy was months ago. I think I'll most likely be going ahead with the hotel idea, and try speaking to my dad about how he feels without him getting frustrated or becoming rude to me. I value everyone's advice, thank you all for giving me different opinions!

OP posts:

ScruffyLookingNerfHerder · 29/07/2017 22:42

You really do sound very mature, and have considered many aspects.

Are you able to have this sort of calm, reasoned discussion with them?

Maybe you could strike a deal with them - postpone the hotel in return for them inviting your BF around for Sunday lunch and them promising to give him a fair time. That might be beneficial in the long run.

Wallywobbles · 29/07/2017 22:53

I think this is fine. Go. Have a lovely night together.

Nothing much you can do about your parents but you probably need to filter what you tell your mum as it's not making anyone happy is it?

Original poster

sarah16 · 29/07/2017 22:53

I could have this discussion with my mum, and I plan to do that again (I've already spoken to her about it in a calm and sensible manner, it's more about my dad), and I'll try my best to speak to him tomorrow.

That sounds like an idea I really wish I could put into place, but I know my parents and I know that they won't change their opinion on my boyfriend, especially my dad. I've tried in the past to strike up deals like that, or suggested him coming over, but it's never gone down well or been allowed to happen. If it was a potentially different scenario, I would definitely want to run with that idea :)

OP posts:

Original poster

sarah16 · 29/07/2017 22:55

I feel like I shouldn't tell her as much about my life as I do, however at the time it doesn't seem like it's doing any harm, and we can have a laugh about whatever the topic is. But then when things like this arise, it can cause a problem. I think I'll try my best in the future to keep her involved in my life, but without it causing any problems for either of us.

OP posts:

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 29/07/2017 23:08

I wouldn't let my teen ds have privacy with his girlfriend either and actually none of my friends would either so your parents aren't unique in that by any means.

You've been seeing him a month and he's booked a hotel room. I'm not surprised your parents are a bit twitchy tbh.

You have a good relationship with your parents usually, it sounds like that can see something is a bit 'off' with this boy.

ChasingHighs · 29/07/2017 23:12

Then they will find privacy elsewhere. The OP is over the age of consent.

ChasingHighs · 29/07/2017 23:13

The OP has been with her BF a year.

ChasingHighs · 29/07/2017 23:16

They haven't actually got to know him which in my book is the sensible thing to do.Not outright ban him from the house. Like that ever stopped a teenager from seeing her BF.

chips4teaplease · 29/07/2017 23:16

Twenty one years teaching 11-16s makes me doubt that you are actually sixteen.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 29/07/2017 23:17

Oh I applied ,I got that wrong

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 29/07/2017 23:17

**apologise

ChasingHighs · 29/07/2017 23:18

Hmm yes that thought had crossed my mind

dementedpixie · 29/07/2017 23:18

Why do people keep saying they have been together a month?? OP said they'd been together for a 18 months or so

silkpyjamasallday · 29/07/2017 23:20

I think your best plan of action is to talk to your mum about how your fathers attitude is making you feel, it is unacceptable to be making comments about you within earshot to hurt your feelings and that needs to be dealt with, and it is probably best coming from her as coming from you it may be interpreted as antagonistic and not get you very far.

I had strict parents who objected to my older boyfriend at 15, to be fair with hindsight I can see that they were right, he was a bit of a dickhead and I was blinded by the intensity of first love. It damaged my relationship with my parents as I rebelled against them and withdrew myself from family life, this wasn't just over the boyfriend issue but that was probably the main factor. My mother admitted she was relieved when we broke up after 4 years, saying that she didn't think my boyfriend was treating me the way that a respectful partner should.

You may have to accept that they won't budge on their rules but your father making the atmosphere in the house unpleasant rather than having a sensible discussion with you needs to be tackled. You are clearly capable of understanding their reasoning and accept it in the most part, but they also have to accept you are growing up and need to have the freedom to make your own choices and mistakes.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 29/07/2017 23:20

So you were seeing him at 15 and he was nearly 2 years older than you? Not surprised your parents are overly enthusiastic.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 29/07/2017 23:21

**aren't

Original poster

sarah16 · 29/07/2017 23:24

I've been with him a year and a half, not a month. We haven't seen each other in a month, and I am sixteen!! I know I'm mature for 16, but I'm still that age.

OP posts:

WiganPierre · 29/07/2017 23:24

I wouldn't be happy with this either. Your boyfriend is just a boyfriend, your parents will always be there for you. While you are living with them you need to respect their rules, that shows maturity. If you don't want to listen to their advice then you need to start working and move into your own place.

Thegiantofillinois · 29/07/2017 23:26

Why is he going into upper 6th when he's just turned 18?

Original poster

sarah16 · 29/07/2017 23:26

He's only the year above me at school, he's very old for his year as his birthday is in July. I'm from NI so this makes him one of the oldest in his year in school.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3