Ds16 has stolen a large sum of money from me

[softlysadly]

Devastated. He's admitted it, so I'm not jumping to false conclusions. Says he regrets and feels very ashamed. But I'm not sure if I believe him. It was money I have been putting away for over a year for our hols (was £1000; he took £750).
Background is he's just finished GCSEs and is partying non stop. Smoking, drinking but not doing stronger drugs (I don't think). He's always been a good, sensible child - relatively hard working, law abiding etc but has gone crazy since GCSEs.
I'm at a loss . Feel so scared it's the start of a really bad patch. I've told him he has to pay it all back.
What else can I do? Anyone have any experience?

Id be worried how he is going to keep up the act with his friends? Do they know he stole it? Do they think he is rich? Are they expecting him to continue to buy their drugs?

Weed is cheap compared to cocaine. Coke is £50 a gram and that doesn't go far. It is highly likely he has been buying that.

A bag of weed might be £15 but smoking it non stop would not amount to what he has stolen.

Do you know these friends? Their parents? Are the parents aware?

Not a lot you can do if his peer group is into this sort of thing.

I would try to get him a hobby, where he can mix with others who aren't off their face and they might inspire him into better things.

Is he in college or does he have a career plan? Is he with these associates all day long?

Forgot to add that when DH kicked him or at 16 he also reported him to the police so he was prosecuted for the theft.

If you are liberal, what does that mean? You are ok with him having coke as long as he doesn't steal your £750 to pay for it? He's 16, a child. He needs parents who will protect him from himself.

This is what the world is like, now. 16 is the new 18, 14 is the new 16, in 5 or 10 years time you'll have posters saying "but he/she's 14..... have you ever tried telling a 14 year old to do anything??" Children are having to grow up faster and faster. It is just so sad.

I agree with lougle, above. We have a young cousin who now has schizophrenia due to weed. And a friend with mental health issues that seem to be spriralling, also due to weed. Teenager's brains are still developing, they are vulnerable, I don't understand why you seem so much more bothered about the theft than the drug habit. And regularly buying and using drugs is a drug habit- what else can you call it?

I'm obviously totally out of sync with most here, but I'd be horrified and devastated if my 16 year old was drinking, doing weed and mdma. I wouldn't accept it, let alone the stealing. They'd be out of the house.

As for the stealing. I'd report it to the police. It's theft and it's not acceptable under any circumstances.

This is what the world is like, now. 16 is the new 18, 14 is the new 16, in 5 or 10 years time you'll have posters saying "but he/she's 14..... have you ever tried telling a 14 year old to do anything??" Children are having to grow up faster and faster. It is just so sad.

I think the opposite is the case. 70 years ago 14-year-olds were expected to go to work in an adult environment and act like adults. 2000 years ago, in Roman society, boys became adults at 15. Nowadays, society treats adolescents like children, when biologically they are far closer to adulthood, and actively prevents them from growing up. That's what's sad.

But teenagers don't have to smoke, do drugs, or drink excessive amounts of alcohol to fight back and find their place. Nor do they need to steal. So it looks like we're in agreement on that point.

This could be the turning point for this boy, the kick up the arse he needs to get his act together, ditch the loser friends and stop the drugs. If he can work full time (even just for the summer holidays) to pay back what he stole it would be a good start. But no tolerance to the drug taking. None.

While I agree drugs are everywhere, a teen social life doesn't necessarily mean drug involvement. All teens are different friends and different morals.

Weed is a very serious drug to take in your teenage years it can lead to long term mental health issues. He needs to be more busy. Does he do any exercise at a decent level, that's my way of encouraging a healthy teenage lifestyle.

This is awful for you. I'm not sure what advice to give...could you contact the police, explain the situation, and ask if they have a community liaison officer who could come and chat to him...without you having to press charges?
I think he should definitely pay it back and lose all privileges such as phone, iPad etc in the process...I would be cautious regarding stopping him from seeing his friends as you don't want to push him so far away that he moves out. He's your baby and you need to keep him close. I feel for you x

I agree with Leonard, kids grow up more slowly nowadays, not faster.

I was hanging out with other teenage druggies getting daily stoned daily at 12yo back in 1981, so don't say the world is very changed wrt drugs, either.

I had to wait with one girl who was nigh on psychotic after taking too much ketamine

Jesus! That stuff can be lethal!

So you're fine with your 16 year old drinking and taking drugs but not stealing your money for the drugs?

Good luck with that. Allowing your 16 year old to do drugs is abuse.

I mentioned it earlier but having seen your later posts I think it's worth saying again but why wouldn't you get him to take drug tests. They are super cheap and easily available. He has said he doesn't have a drug habit and you believe him so where is the harm in testing him.

If he is clean then he can earn back privileges and trust. If he is using drugs especially harder drugs then you NEED to know.
If he has tried coke at 16 then I wouldn't hesitate in insisting on regular tests.

I'm a single parent to a 16 year old and my son could easily be yours.

He used to steal money and I know he smokes(an e-cig and sometimes weed)

He knows my thoughts on smoking and drugs. He knows that I've tried both less than a handful of times, I can't stop his access to money as ex sends him pocket money via bank transfer. I can't confiscate his phone as that's paid for by ex and my son's a good 5 inches taller than me.

Are the police really going to be interested in a 16 year old who smokes weed and may not be carrying it if they popped round? Ds is great at saying the right thing and acting like a wounded puppy so it wouldn't work.

To the experts on here - how do you stop your child doing drugs? He walks to school and will probably leave for university in a couple of years.

Speak to the Police and see if they'll take him to the station and caution him. I know he's your boy and it would be bloody tough, but it would scare him shitless and make him think twice in the future. More so than a chat with a CPO.

I know there are implications from a caution but £750 is a huge amount to steal and a massive breach of trust. How horrible for you

No advice on the drugs. I drank and did drugs as a teen. Absolutely nothing my parents could have said or done would have changed that. It's what my friends and I liked to do at the weekend (particularly MDMA). I grew out of it.

You're being far too soft OP. He's almost an adult and these are his actions? I think you're on the brink of losing him. If anything, taking it over a period of time is even worse. He made the save mistake several times so he can't be that remorseful, only sorry he got caught out.

He needs boundaries. You can spout this "realist" shit all you like but you're letting him lose all control

I really feel for you OP. I remember the summer I finished my GCSEs (a long time ago!) and we did go crazy; I can totally imagine being able to spend that amount on soft drugs, irregularly, drink and cigarettes plus a lot of eating out and taxis - I don't think there is necessarily more to it. I also think that the fact you can have these conversations with him and really discover when he's been up to is really great and probably so much better than the parents of his friends (do you know them? Can you talk to them?). Sounds to me like the paying t back / no festival / sacrificing existing possessions is a good route. Those who have said 'kick him out' get a massive from me - this is her teenaged son; she wants to teach him from this summer of madness, not let it define the rest of his life!

He sounds a mix of responsible ie a job/GCSE's and irresponsible ie stealing/drugs. Its a lot of money to steal - how did he expect to pay it back? Drug abuse is not good at any age. All the signs are there that he needs you to reign him in! Stealing money is usually to buy drugs. Its not ok that he has tried all these drugs and that he is partying hard. Its dangerous. You seem quite accepting of his drug use and because you are he has no reason to quit. I could be wrong - it just seems that stealing such a large amount of money is not a good sign. He always knew he would come clean if caught because there was no way to hide what he has done. No choice but to be honest and suitably sorry!

I'd make a schedule for him to pay you back.
Make him sign a contract that he'll never steal again.

I'd also ask him he doesn't buy drugs ever again, and that he stops taking them and especially smoking weed, as it causes irreparable brain damage to teens.

Hope his results are good.

Sometimes you have to let things flow under the bridge.

It looks bad on paper, if you know what I mean, but I think he and you have a good relationship and have an open communication.

Real life isn't about ultimatums and "going to the police" - he's young and has learnt a lesson.

Whatever you do DO not get him to volunteer with a homeless/ drug rehabilitation centre. Recent evidence and research shows that this causes an increase in drug use for those volunteering. This will backfire for most. It's shortsighted and punitive, and will fail.

He needs to do some physical work like grass cutting and hedge trimming, and see less of his mates.

You do need to punish, of course you do. But you haven't necessarily raised a monster. I used to nick a quid here and there myself.

I used to nick money from my mum's purse when I was 16 and I smoked, drank vodka and cider, started smoking weed at sixth form and did Es, speed and coke at university, but without at any time forming a habit or addiction. I still got my A levels and degree and qualified as a lawyer. I think you are doing the right things, Softly.

Are people really comparing nicking the odd quid from mum's purse to nicking £750 from the family's holiday fund?

£750 is a LOT to spend in a month.

It is highly likely he has been doing coke frequently.

I think I would insist on drugs tests as well as the money being paid back.

I would probably be making his life very very busy with little time for hanging out smoking weed - trips up to see grandma, helping you pantthe house, digging drainage ditches in the garden, going with you to the cinema in the evening. He doesn't like it? He can start hanging out with his mates when he has proved he can be trustworthy.

I too am in the minority here. If I found out that dd 17yo were doing weed, coke, heavy drinking, AND stealing from me, I'd be hitting the roof. She would be grounded until she pays back every cent. I'd help her lose all those friends by going around to all their parents and threaten to report their kids to the police. I would make sure that those friends and their parents realize that my dd's friendship is not worth the aggravation of having to deal with her crazy mother.

But one thing I won't do is to call the police. As angry as I would be, I just couldn't risk her having a record (and nor would I actually report any of the other kids)

Many posters ask, how do you ground a 16yo who is determined to get out? I don't think you can unless your teen cares about what you think of him.

It strikes me that this is kind of what the world teaches with credit. Do a low paid job and it artificially leads you to think you can pay back money that feels free at the point of acquisition that you are 'sure' you will pay back, even though the major driver for getting it was that you didn't have the money in the first place. Some companies are even offering low paid employees ways to increase their own salary by borrowing from their future pay at a higher cost per pound, when treason for borrowing is that their salary isn't enough.
It would be a good time to offer help. Work out how much he is earning, what he spends, including weed/entertainment, point out how much food costs and clothes and say something like 'you earn £80 a week, need £30 for food out, £5 a week for phone and £20 for entertainment so you' do have £25 for other things or £100 a month. If you want more for other things then you'll have to cut one cost down, or you could have £600 in six month if you can only do the minimum. Perhaps include your household budget in discussions to show how income quickly becomes nothing unless you reduce other expenditure, and try to get him used to putting money aside.. Eg point out a small car on how with insurance is going to cost £300 a month. Point out that spending big amounts and hoping to pay back a tiny amount each month means it ties him up for years, Eg a £1000 loan takes over 50 months to pay back if you can only find £20 per month to put towards it. Ie over 4 years, and then say how long it takes to save that up, and how he should be putting aside not spending more, and how easy that would be if he stopped eating out so often.

If you can get him to think of money as time unless he earns faster and how it locks you down, it might turn out to be a positive process..

Many homeless people are there because they continually sent more than they earn and lost houses because they couldn't pay rent.