Ds16 has stolen a large sum of money from me

[softlysadly]

Devastated. He's admitted it, so I'm not jumping to false conclusions. Says he regrets and feels very ashamed. But I'm not sure if I believe him. It was money I have been putting away for over a year for our hols (was £1000; he took £750).
Background is he's just finished GCSEs and is partying non stop. Smoking, drinking but not doing stronger drugs (I don't think). He's always been a good, sensible child - relatively hard working, law abiding etc but has gone crazy since GCSEs.
I'm at a loss . Feel so scared it's the start of a really bad patch. I've told him he has to pay it all back.
What else can I do? Anyone have any experience?

What hobbies does he have? Has he any nicer friends?

It actually scares me the amount of parents who don't realise the extent of the drug culture of 15/16/17/18 year olds.

Anyone who is even slightly a fan of dance/house type music and goes to these festivals knows that these kids are off their faces. I had to wait with one girl who was nigh on psychotic after taking too much ketamine. Her mates didn't have a clue what to do and when I asked them how old she was she'd just turned 16.

Sell the tickets
Strip his room clean and ebay the lot
Drive him to and from work and all his wages go to you. 75% is your end. 25% given to him on the understanding he produces receipts for every penny.
He doesn't leave the house except for work until it's paid off.

He doesn't like it? Kick him out.

You need to get him away from his 'mates' asap. Increase hours at his work, sell phone and electronics to repay, get help re drug use. Slippery slope from here...

Drugs are everywhere. It's bloody scary. Issue at after prom party at DS's school. Kids I thought were much more sensible. DS wasn't there so not involved but I've heard stories about others that surprised me.

In your shoes I would ground him. Yes to volunteering at something. And he pays it back. Every last penny. He figures out how. PT job. Selling something. Lots of ways he can earn money. Cutting grass for neighbours. Washing cars. I've had a couple of uni students doing some gardening work - £8.50 an hour.

“Why on earth were you letting a 16 year smoke, drink and do drugs?”

Rainbows unless the OP keeps her son a prisoner in his own house I can’t see how she can stop him.

Please don't make him volunteer

As someone who co-ordinates volunteers believe me, we don't want every naughty belligerent teenager sent to us . You can't just rock up and volunteer these days. There's checks and things to me be done first. Plus he clearly isn't to be trusted around money atm!

He needs to be grafting until that money is paid back. What's he doing after the summer?

whtas the money gone on?

my ds (who has SEN) stole from me at around the same age. he just didnt see it as stealing becasue it was mum!
i was livid.
i did make him sell his games and console on ebay and bay what he could back.
thank god it was a silly phase and he never did it again. i toyed with the idea of police and at time i was a police officer so i toyed with taking him to see a very grumpy custody sgt and sitting in a cell for a bit.....
i didnt in the end. i thought it would scar him for life due to his special needs.
but.
could be an option here op?

How horrible for you.

You've got a thieving druggie in the house. Sell all his sellable possessions, don't leave any cash or cards around, ( that was way too much money to have anyway). The deal is he gets help or you go to the police.

I agree that a plan for him to pay back would be (^) best way forward. No need to harangue or impose shame, go straight for what is his plan to make amends.

(^)would be: * IF * he says he's willing to give up the partying & turn into a normal person again. You probably only know by trying, though. What does he say about his plans for any future partying?

Didn't you wonder how the heck he could afford all that booze?

Hi OP, no advice I'm afraid but just wanted to say how sorry I am to read this. I have a 16 year old DS and can imagine how devastated you must be x

I have a 16yr old son too and they can be hard work.

I'd love to know how you could stop them going out if they are very determined. Mines over 6ft and I'm just over 5ft.

I agree with selling the festival tickets and lots of his stuff from his room.

Keep an eye out for how much drugs he's taking. It might be a sign of an addiction happening but I suspect he's been treating his friends to a rare old time. I can't imagine they have access to money to fund the party lifestyle they've all been enjoying and if it is a big group it wouldn't be too difficult to spend £1k.

At least he seems genuinely ashamed of himself.

For those of you 😱 at how I 'let' him take drugs, I'd wake up
If I were you (taking it you have teens). They are everywhere and it seems if you have a social life, you end up taking something. Education about how to keep safe is probably the best we can do .My stand is to be open - id rather know the truth and he be drug aware than be happily ignorant and find out to my cost later.
I am liberal. I haven't been hugely disciplinarian as I have never had to be yet. I see this as an aberration and a massive learning curve for us both (and his dad).
Thanks holly, lljjkk and others who have sensible advice.

It's been this summer - not really drinking

My stand is to be open - id rather know the truth and he be drug aware than be happily ignorant and find out to my cost later.

But it is too your cost now. Not the cost yiu wanted to avoid, granted. But your lax attitude has clearly let him and his drug habit spiral.

He has not got a drug habit Spartacus. I know this. He's squandered the money on lots of crap including too much weed for him and his mates. It's not a drug habit.

Can you explain how I would stop taking stuff when he's out?

softly, I'm glad you're getting good advice from Holly, lljjkk and I'd add BigSandyBalls and MorrisZapp to that list for their non-smug and sensitive posts.

I would ignore the blamers and finger-waggers on the thread. I think you can ignore, there are some serious stupid people out there who are going to get a wake-up call of their own. Not worth reading their judgemental crap.

You can't keep your children away from everything that is around them. That is a fact. It's how you deal with it that counts and I think focusing on the fact that your son is ashamed is a good starting point to getting him away from this particular group of friends because he'll have no money to spend with them now anyway.

You have to have some trust of your son even now, even if it's small (in my opinion) because if he has lost it all, he has nothing to try to retain, nothing to try to improve. Is there anybody who is supporting you? Partner? Family?

All you can do is cut off the money supply and ask him to get real and get help. Or if he isn't an addict then grow up, stop pissing money away, become a useful and likeable person.

The kind that doesn't steal. What a kick in the teeth for his parents.

OP
You are very laid back considering he has stolen £750 from you for your holidays and has admitted taking coke and mdma.
I'd be upset and angry and be very tough with him.
Is that the route he wants his life to take?
Are there siblings to consider ?
Is his dad helping you?
I would definitely try and steer him away from mates he's hanging around with.

He doesnt have a drug habit?

He has stole £750 and spanked a load of it away on weed.....so drugs.

He has tried mdma and coke. But not regularly, he says. And you believe him because???

I would have not been so relaxed in the first place. Or at least now be realising that, actually, it wasn't the way to go. Rathee than making out my parenting choices are make me more intelligent and insightful than parents who dont accept their kids smoke weed.

I would be getting in touch with the police and drug charities like FRANK.

That is what we all hope to know Softly. If or when it happens to us. I don't see you as lax and you don't deserve some of the shit you're getting here.
Round here our drug addiction place has a young person dept. Indeed my sister works there. Could you get him an appointment. You may be right, that your ds doesn't have a habit. He does have a problem though or he wouldn't have stole. He sounds a decent chap. They would maybe be able to steer him onto the straight and narrow in case he is feeding of course. Xxx

veering off course. Godammit.

DSS1 stole from DH when he was 16 (before we got togethe. He took his bank card and emptied his account, then sold his wedding ring, army discharge papers and DVD player. All in all about £2000. DH kicked him out and sent him to live with his mother; he lasted 3 weeks with her and moved out and in with a friend. He moved back in with us when he was 18, then stole again a year later. It got to the point where I was taking my handbag to bed with me because I couldn't trust him, so we asked him to leave. Maybe there is a better way of handling it, but he has never had a job, smokes weed constantly and we didn't want that around DSS2 and DS. DH and DSS1 don't really speak any more. DSS2 and DS won't acknowledge him as their brother (not just because of the lifestyle but because both his children were removed by social services and he always puts weed over his kids). It's sad because DSS1 spent most of his childhood in hospital and missed most of his education because of it so hasn't got much hope. He's now 36 and his life is so small, but he won't accept any help from us or his mum to better his lot, he would take money but not any other type of support. DH's ex is bringing up DSS1's older DS, but the youngest was adopted out of the family as a baby.