Is this a normal row?

[bellylaughs]

On holiday at the moment living in very close quarters and a big row erupted tonight between me, DH, DD1 and DD2.
Background is DD1(15) is quite easy usually, DD2 (13) seems to be at that age where you can't say hi her without her telling you how you've done it wrong/been stupid/irrelevant etc.
Anyway, only arrived yesterday and things have been a bit tense with only one bathroom - Dd3(11) and Dd4 (7)also with us- but today and this evening went really well, all had a laugh at dinner, played cards etc.
DH and I relaxed and had a couple of glasses of beer. Not too much at all but potentially enough to lessen our patience i suppose. Anyway we get back to the accommodation tonight and suddenly a huge row kicks off because DD1,DD2 and DH all need their phones charged for the morning and we only have two adapters on holiday with us. DH always runs first thing and needs his phone for music/gps then it became a debate about which of DD1 or DD2's phones should go on the other charger. I was shocked at the desperation they both felt to get their phones charged. They were shouting at each other and us about who was more in need of a charge. It all got very shouty and I dread to think what the (very close by) neighbours must think. Anyway, DH and I came back into room and DH called DD2 a b and generally ranted about her attitude behaviour etc. Later she told me that she heard all this and is upset as is DD1 as she thinks we row more than other families and what is wrong with us etc etc. After I thought it had all settled down and DH and I are in bed I then hear a new row kickng off between the two of them with DD2 complaining that DD1's Kindle light was on too bright and DD1 refusing to lower it. At that point I had had enough bed and had a go at both of them particularly DD1 as I suppose I was just fuming that they would kick off again after what had just happened. Of course that set DD1 off crying actually it how we were not a normal family because we argued too much.
So I suppose my question is how bad are we? Are we normal or is it disfunctional to call your daughter names (albeit thinking you're out of earshot) and generally shout loudly in very close quarters at 11pm-ish
I can't decide for myself as some of my friends with teens seem to have similar rows and others always deal with things quietly and calmly.
Obviously I know my DH should never use a word like that about DD but when they have been incredibly entitled, rude, aggressive and generally unbearable imfor the last fee months/years then part of me can understand the frustration especially since he didn't say it to her but rather as a rant to himself with the door shut etc. Do other families of teens have horrible rows like this or is it really out of the norm/unacceptable?

"With regards to the "entitlement" I would always expect DH or myself to get first dibs on chargers etc. Especially when he's not using it for social media but actually for excercise and navigation. I'm surprised how many people think he should have sacrificed his charger for the kids! "

Absolutely OP. I am shocked that we are in the minority here. There are 2 reasons for DH to charge first:

1. Parents do not need to cater to kids to that degree! NO. They are not babies or toddlers. They are teens! If they didn't think to bring everything they need to charge their phones, then they can wait. It's actually the parents' job to teach their teens the virtues of patience and planning ahead. Talk about raising entitled kids!
2. Prioritizing a 13yo's "need" to check her instagram feed over dad's wish to listen to music while exercising?! And EVERYONE is shocked by how our teens seem so consumed by social media?! How can we be shocked when so many parents are so supportive of their teen's social media addiction?

OP, you are a good mum. Name calling is not good, but the row is pretty normal. Try to keep the volume down (I know it's hard. I struggle with it myself.)

i think it was the heat of the moment kind of thing, i remember when my father was unemployed for months and spent everyday getting drunk and he would always call me out for things so i would spend as much time out of the house as i could to avoid being dragged into the living room for a chat about "life" and it's bullshit that it entails blah blah
i was a young lad of 13 and being called things like a cunt isn't pretty, glad them times are over but overall i think you lot got frustrated and it isn't the end of the world ( sorry if i came off as depressing but thats reality for some kids )

OP, are you sure DD2 is sleeping well? Do you assume she's fallen asleep or do you actually see her asleep 15 min after light out? My own dd1 (now 17) is very sensitive to sleep. Missing 20 min of sleep makes a difference in her ability to handle her emotions and focus on her studies. One thing we found really helped her was physical exercise. We put her in a competitive sports team that practiced 2 hrs a day. She was exhausted by day's end.

Another possibility is that she may be feeling a lot of social pressure from her friends and at school. She is acting out with you and DH because she knows, unlike her friends, you won't leave her no matter how imperfect she is. Do you like her friends? Are they kind to each other or is there a lot of in fighting going on? Are they cliquey or are members allowed to hang out with kids who are not in their clique? We went through a rough period with DD1 when she was your DD2's age and hung out with a group of girls who were very much into climbing the middle school social totem pole.

Misshelena it never occurred to me that small amounts of sleep deprivation would make a big difference. She is very private so I don't know for sure when she actually falls asleep and obviously there are the inevitable sleepovers which always lead to grumpiness.
She is naturally quite sporty but has struggled recently t something to get involved with since she "Hates competition" as she says it makes her too anxious/ stressed. In fact she has just given up a sport in which she was just asked to try for county.
Recently she has started taking herself out for walk with the dog occasionally as she said it helps her mood so I guess that's a step in the right direction. I've tried suggesting classes/ non competitive stuff but she won't start anything new without a friend.

In terms of Ger friendship group they are mostly delightful girls but recently one that I am keeping an eye on has crept in and they've gotten very close. The reason for my concern is that I've overheard her being very needy towards DD on FaceTime and DD having to reassure her how pretty/amazing she was, and similar sort of things.

"the inevitable sleepovers which always lead to grumpiness."

That's how we first identified sleep as a potential source of my DD1's bad attitude towards her family!

IMO physical activity is key to sleep, especially for teens because they tend to obsess about so many things. I think your DD2 instinctively feels that and so has taken up walking the dog and even links it to her mood! Perceptive girl! It's a shame she quit her sport, which sounds like she was doing really well in. Maybe you can entice her to do something that focuses on endurance but not necessarily competitive if she doesn't want it to be. Cross country or swimming? Maybe you can talk to the coach to allow her to practice with the team but not compete until such time when she wants to?

My 13 year old DS can be an absolute horror at times, I know how it feels OP. Regarding a non competitive sport/activity, my DS goes to a martial arts class called Choi Kwang Do. It is very different from other martial arts as it is all about personal development and learning how to look after yourself. They focus on 6 principles, humility, integrity, gentleness, perseverance, self control, unbreakable spirit. It has done wonders for his self discipline and self confidence, not to mention his fitness levels, he really needs it as an outlet for pent up energy and frustrations! Might be worth looking into, it is for all ages and abilities.

Completely normal family life I'd say lol.
Ive called the kids a pain in the arse and my husband once called our daughter a bitch, it was out of anger and frustration but more importantly a loss of control. Its not right but don't get yourself upset about it, its happened, your husband will apologise and it will be forgotten about because its out of character for him to do that.

Please, enjoy your holiday with each other and have a no devices rule from a particular time each day.
Plus, the phones will charge quicker when turned off x

Thanks again and great ideas for the sports and sleep monitoring. I will definitely be looking in to both! New adapters bought and all a bit more peaceful today but still the grumpiness. Thank you to everyone who replied. It's good to feel like we're not the only ones going through difficult times.

It is not completely normal
family life for a father to
còhis daughter a butch.

Sorry- a bitch.

Completely normal family life I'd say lol.

Sorry, no. Just because it's happened in your, and the OP's families, doesn't make it 'normal'. It might even (depressingly) be widespread practice, but it's not normal.

Sounds a lot like my family after my parents divorce tbh - screaming , crying rows.
Calling her a bitch is disgusting and damaging and I remember it happening and resent it to this day.
Teens argue and are horrible - I'm not saying be wimps about them but maybe try to stop acting like teenagers yourself.

I overheard my father calling me a bitch and worse. It's not pleasant.

We had terrible rows growing up. Really awful ones. I actually thought we were normal.

Turns out not. As DH and I never argue, and we don't with the kids either. Eldest is a teen.

We get heated moments, cross moments, don't we all. But it's never the emotion that is the problem, but how we deal with it.

It's not easy keeping everyone happy all the time.

Everyone makes mistakes, and a genuine apology goes a long way. Hope you manage to enjoy the rest of your holiday

There's something going on in your DD2's life that's making her miserable. Have you really got to the bottom of why she suddenly decided to give up her sport? Does she feel under too much pressure to 'be' someone she isn't, or is she trying (and failing) to live up to some sort of ideal person that she thinks you want her to be?

Perhaps she thinks you favour your DD1, and don't like her as much.
It's a vicious circle - the more she misbehaves, the more you come down on her, which in turn will cause her frustration, and reinforce things in her mind that you think she's second-best.

Squabbles. Normal.

Heated rows about phone charging and name calling. Not so normal.

Some kind of calm conversation/meeting and apology is needed tomorrow early before you all get on with your day. If it erupts again noone gets their phone/kindle/whatever

What is normal? The reality is that most people will judge what is "normal" by their own experience. If you met them in RL you might think they were completely weird or really nice.

Instead I would suggest asking - what would we all like it to be?

Any chance of a family pow wow to thrash out these issues? Always sounds a good idea on TV parenting programmes - could descend into mayhem in RL. But maybe if you could manage to get everyone to engage with it you could set some ground rules for a happy holiday.

Don't worry too much about DD(13) behaviour - its like as ever - things change all the time. My DD was awful at 12, now an angel at 13. No idea why but just grateful.