Should I check my 14 year old daughter's phone?

[nomoreheroesanymore]

My daughter is acting very suspiciously over her phone. A couple of days ago her dad asked to borrow it as his had run out of charge. She said no at first - looked very nervous. Then reluctantly said yes - but snatched it back suddenly sAying she had no data.

I have asked her to show me her phone but the browsing history was deleted, and the browser set to 'private' mode. She has also recently changed her password.

Just really worried. At what age is it a violation of privacy?! She would go mad if she thought I'd looked at it.

Think I'm answering my own question here!! For what it's worth, my family all know my phone password.

She might just be watching porn ?
If you think inappropriate messages ( with older or manipulative people not people her own age) I would give it a check. 16 is when I would say hell no. Ditto for if she may be sending inappropriate pictures.
But I don't have kids just going of my own teen exp ( I'm 22)

100% yes. I am a secondary school teacher and most people would be shocked at what kids are getting up to as young as 11 on their phones. It always surprises that more parents don't check. It could be along the lines of looking at porn but realistically I'd be more concerned it could involve either cyber bullying or sexting of some sort. Both are common at that age.

Sorry just realised that made it sound like every 14 year old is doing this, obviously they aren't, I just see it very often and usually the parents have no idea and are shocked when the school has to bring them in for a chat about it.

Many thanks for the replies!

I'm a secondary teacher too, so see the worst of what can happen. It's just a fuzzy boundary at 14, whether I should just check randomly, as in having the passcode, or whether I ask her to show me.

Dad is domineering and very controlling (we are not together) so I'm anxious to get this right.

Teenagers!!

Would also depends who pays the bill.

But I would and do. If they get funny about it they loose thier phone simples.

My 16 yo DD it's never been an issue my 15 has currently lost her phone as changed password and wont tell me - though she'd forgotten my fingerprint was stored. Nothing on it - history still. But she doesn't know I know that. And I'm awaiting her to tell me the password or I'll reset the phone.

absolutely check 100%. she might not like it, but you just have to tell her you don't like it either, but it is part of your duty as a parent.

You pay for the phone, it is your phone, you make it clear you need the passwords, or she loses the phone.

The objects not to "catch her out" and if there are things on there she can't bring herself to let you see, then give her 10 minutes to get the phone ready. Just sitting down deleting what she doesn't want you to see tells her, and you, that something is wrong.

After that, tell her that you are going to keep the passwords and do spot checks a couple of times a week, and stick to it, or she loses the phone.

(This was how I found out one of my dds friends was talking about and planning suicide, and was able to inform the school)

I spot check my teens phone every so often. It is left on charge downstairs at night so I just have a quick look through occasionally. If the password is changed I have to know about it or the phone is confiscated. I'm not interested in snooping just looking out for any potential issues as mentioned above so I can give guidance. And before anyone says what about the right to privacy and you wouldn't read someone's diary - this is totally different. Posting information online for the world to see or sexting is not the same as writing 'Dear Diary, I really fancy a boy in my year'.

Ditto what Sunshine and smile said.

I told my DC that, as part of the deal for them getting the tech, all passwords had to be shared until age 16.

I would confiscate if I couldn't get in to it, but I haven't needed to (one DC did once change password, but told me it as soon as I asked)

One (older) teen is glued to phone. The oldest and the younger teen leave theirs lying around.

It's only the younger teen about whom I have concerns about what they've been viewing. Found in a random spot check.

And ditto again.
My dd knows that as part of the deal of us providing and paying for her phone that we know the password and can look at any time.
I think however much we educate them and talk about the dangers something inappropriate occasionally creeps in and that keeping her safe outweighs the privacy issue, at this age anyway (14).

Don't look at her phone! That's worse than reading her diary! If she wants to look at porn, then she's a normal horny teenager. The poor thing obviously already doesn't trust you as she is careful to use private mode - good for her!

She's 14. No passcode equals no phone in my book. She needs support as she moves into adulthood. The rule in our house is only text/share stuff you'd show granny. Only visit websites you'd show me (I'm more relaxed then my mother!). No online talking to strangers or unknown friends of known friends.

the phone checking can be done with warmth and love and caring boundaries

butterful that's absolutely stupid and terrible advice

Op you should already have the expectation that you have the passwords and regularly check. If you don't trust her then take the phone away. If she's using it to look at porn then she can't be trusted to have it; 14 year olds should not be looking at porn, it's very harmful.

I don't know why anyone gets into a situation where their young teenage children have smartphones and they don't think they have the right to look in them. Be a parent.

Both my dds are older but when they had phoned they knew I could look at them whenever I wanted too or they were confiscated. (They were kept downstairs at nighttime)

I rarely did check my dds', because they're were no issues, but I wouldn't have hesitated if I had worries.

I think any parent who doesn't occasionally have a quick look, is absolutely bonkers!

A family member checked her daughter's phone as she was worried that she was acting out of character. It turned out she had received over 300 text messages from a 55 year old man she met at the local leisure centre. It's an extreme example but it's better to be safe and at 14 they don't always have the skills or experience to know how to deal with some situations.

You have a duty to protect your dd and ensuring all is well on the phone is part of that.

If she is "a horny teen" then she can use the private browser / her imagination / literotica from the library.

Phone downstairs overnight charging and knowledge of the password, along with relatively tight browser controls should be part and parcel of this.

Yes of course you should be checking it. You pay the bill = you have the password. It's the equivalent of checking who is coming in and out of your house, you do it for everyone's safety.

Grooming for sexual exploitation
Bullying
Watching pornography (the most extreme and violent porn is available for free)
Radicalisation
Unsolicited dick pictures
Joining adult dating sites
Grooming into Drug dealing
Posting sexualised or naked pictures online
Sending naked and sexual pictures to friends

These are all things that 14 year olds (and younger) DO, and that are being done to them, through the tiny, pocket held portal to the internet that all teenagers have on them at all times. Anyone who thinks a phone is like a diary is dangerously out of touch and failing as a parent.

Your children need you to be on the ball with their phone use. And if they are secretive about it then all the more urgency.

Yes it's your job to help educate your DD about phone use. And protect her.

Ada - also being introduced to pro anorexia sites and self harm websites.

Yep definitely. There are countless ways for children to be exposed to dangerous people and ideas online.

I've nc for this.

Anyone who doesn't check their dc phones at random and frequent intervals is being a negligent parent.

I found out that my very naieve and trusting 12/ nearly 13 yr old yr old - despite being fully aware of guidelines from CEOPS and well versed in the NSPCC rules and regs for Internet use, read to her and discussed from the age of 9 yrs when she first had an iPod (including never being in touch on-line with someone you don't know in rl), had been contacted by someone who purported to be a 15yr old Slovenian man (but who knows) via Minecraft. He started out by being friendly, exchanging messages via the game in a big group and worked up by getting dd on side by saying that his parents were abusive to him and he was suicidal and only she could "save" him. Then the group (who he obviously knew) posted some unpleasant things to dd and of course he leapt to her "defence"! He then persuaded her to telephone him! All classic grooming techniques.

I discovered all of this this by checking her phone and she broke down totally - she was v anxious about it all - and knew she shouldn't have kept this from us and felt scared and out of her depth. Thankfully, we discovered it before anything sexual or abusive had happened but who knows what could have gone on if we hadn't been checking dd's devices regularly, and as it was it was bad enough, a huge shock and a massive wake up call for all of us.

Suffice to say we reported this to the police who apparently contacted him via his Internet provider , we removed all of dd's devices for six months, and dh contacted this person by phone and messaging (with the help of an it expert) and all contact stopped abruptly.

But remember this all happened via Minecraft and then via dd's phone, to a child who had been made aware of Internet safety issues. When challenged about the "never exchange messages with someone you don't know in rl" rule, she said "but I did know him through Minecraft". In her naieve mind, he was a "friend".

So Butterful and any others of the same view, by all means trust your teenagers, but don't give the same trust to all the other people they may randomly encounter on line in seemingly the most innocent of ways.

Thanks all. Going along the lines of what I think too. Was just interested to know what others think.

I don't mind about her indigence - I'm her mum not her friend.

And yes - porn is an issue but not as much as grooming. She's at a vulnerable age.

@Butterful - are you for real?! That's insane advice.

Thanks to all who have posted.

Not indigence - sorry. Meant not concerned about her being indignant.