Should I check my 14 year old daughter's phone?

[nomoreheroesanymore]

My daughter is acting very suspiciously over her phone. A couple of days ago her dad asked to borrow it as his had run out of charge. She said no at first - looked very nervous. Then reluctantly said yes - but snatched it back suddenly sAying she had no data.

I have asked her to show me her phone but the browsing history was deleted, and the browser set to 'private' mode. She has also recently changed her password.

Just really worried. At what age is it a violation of privacy?! She would go mad if she thought I'd looked at it.

Think I'm answering my own question here!! For what it's worth, my family all know my phone password.

I think the advice about needing to be able to access the phone until they are 16 is a good idea. I didn't have a phone in my youth and it worries me a lot as to what my kids are going to be exposed to as they grow up.

I never check my dd s (12 and 13) phones, but they know I could if I wanted to. I talk to them all the time instead. Can people not just talk to their children if they have concerns? I might be deluding myself, but my girls discuss things in what seems like minute detail with me pretty much every day. They love that I respect their privacy wrt their phones. Dd is shocked that her friends mum reads all her text messages. Upshot is friend texts dd what she wants her mum , then Snapchats the things she doesn't want her mum to see (Snapchats disappear as soon as they are opened, apparently) Seems to me she is just pushing her teen to deceit.

Yeah it's a good point. We talk a lot - and she confides in me - which Is why I am concerned with her secrecy.

Checking does no good I'm afraid to say. I know from personal experience that if a teen is doing something they know they shouldn't eg looking at porn, sending inappropriate selfies or sexting they will still do it and then delete it.

The vast majority of teens know way more about technology than us.

I thought I'd done everything to keep my child safe on line - including extensive talks about the pitfalls of what can happen online.

From checking his phone everything looked great - random browser history showing nothing untoward and no bullying etc on texts, Facebook, snapchat or other social media. You'd have thought everything was fine - it wasn't

Could I have done anything to stop what went wrong? In all honesty I don't think so - we have tight internet controls at home and on his phone but he knew that some sites have lax controls and he also knew what to delete to get rid of evidence.

nomoreheroes I 'd say keep talking to her. Go shopping, or for coffee (I find mine open up more when we're out walking the dog) don't push it, but keep talking! If you go snooping you may find nothing and it might make it harder for her to open up to you when she needs to. Good luck!

Well I spoke to social services as needed some advice, her attitude was the phone is the child's private property, we have no business to know what's on it.

I put the phone down on her, we live in cuckoo land these days

Oh my word - really?? So when the child is groomed or cyber bullied, I assume the response would be - why didn't you check her phone?

I don't know much about social services, but that seems very odd!

I'm a social worker. That is really weird and unusual advice. Perhaps there was more context to your conversation that you have not explained here?

I told them I have concerns because my son is over protective of his phone, reclusive, angry, self harming..... when asked why I want to check his phone by the social worker... I said he's 14 and acting strangely, I was told it's private! Plus she had a real shitty attitude!

I needed this thread this morning, thanks for posting OP, same situation here.
The anxiety of an app called snapchat is the worst, I tried to get close last night , screaming wobblys followed.
So hard isnt it ? all I asked was if she was ok didn't even get chance to see her phone, only the last week she has been the same as your daughter, very concerned also

@AuntSallyLovesWorzel it's a minefield! Glad I posted because have clarified in my head. Some say - absolutely - always check when you feel appropriate. Some say - never check!

I've come to the conclusion that I check it at random - but I ask them to show me, and in a non -confrontational way. Keeping the lines of communication open. 14 is too young to be 'left to it' - but with a respect for them and their privacy too.

Teenagers! Sure we were easier! 🤣

I check my 14 year olds phone, not all the time but I do check it randomly. To be fair he's pretty sensible and it's rarely more interesting than sportswear sites and football but even as a sensible teen he's not above sharing inappropriate meme's on social media and engaging in silly whatsapp banter which has the potential to seriously upset people and sometime he just needs that pointing out.

The 11 year old gets her phone checked most days, part of the deal with having a phone

I agree, I have seen my bubbly little lady (15) go from a happy go lucky to hiding away in her room over a matter of days.
So different now young ladies lives, scares the hell out of me, all these articles in the papers about social media anxiety and all the foot soldiers.
Thanks again

Yes check, there are too many things that could be going on not to.

and if she refuses, pull the contract.

I check my nearly 14 yos phone randomly and regularly. DC can check my phone too if they want (they never do).

DC hates it but responded to the argument that nothing we do online is private. Ever. Whenever we text, post, upload photos we are standing right in the middle of the information superhighway. If you're happy to share something with potentially the rest of the world, you should be happy for your mother to see it.

Other argument was that whilst I trust my DD I don't trust other people.

Final argument was that we pay the bill. A condition of this is monitoring her phone.

Yep I check my 13yo ds phone. He has a ft when I approached him about some odd messages but he now accepts that I check to keep him safe, Not to know what's going on with his mates ! If he changes the password, He knows he has to tell me or I just confiscate it.