DD being a nightmare. Tell me I'm not alone

[StaciesMom]

My DD 16 is horrid at the moment.

Was prepared to be understanding while she was doing GCSEs but now they are over, imbue made it clear she can't control me and DS in the way she tries.

I work full time and spend a lot of time with her other than that but she is very demanding. Her main issues is that I shouldn't be allowed to 'go out' on nights when they are at mine and should only organise things for when they're at their dads. I have held firm about this and she is in a very bad mood saying I am a terrible parent and I should be ashamed etc. She's no longer speaking to me.

I am supposed to be going to the cinema tonight but I'm so upset I'm thinking about not going. Please someone tell me this is normal and I haven't messed up with my parenting somewhere along the line?

I need more info to have an opinion/offer advice. How often is she at her dad's?

They go once a week and every other weekend. The last time I went out was about 3 - 4 weeks ago other than popping to a friends for coffee for an hour or so. Or to work x

Girls are utterly vile at 16. DD1 left school, announcing it to me on the doorstep with the words 'and there's nothing you can do to stop me', which was perfectly true. She has regretted it since and has done a bit of studying. She was lazy, rude, her room was dirty and when she left home at 17, I found some hideously unmentionable things left in the pig sty she called a room.

DD2 at least stayed on at school, but she buggered up her first lot of Highers through going to stay with a friend the night before. She did pull herself together and passed her second lot of Highers quite well and has just graduated with honours in a joint degree and is heading off to do a Masters in September.

You have to stand firm and accept that your DD will think you are the devil at the moment. She will grow out of this phase in a few years.

She's very clever and intelligent. She is just very controlling, judgemental if people disagree with her and makes nasty comments. People outside the house wouldn't believe it if her x

I see, so she's far from being neglected.

It's an awful age. I used to like it when my mum who was a single parent went out, so I could steal her vodka. Sorry that isn't helpful.

I'd just not respond very much to her trying to keep you in, if possible.

It's totally ok for you to go out. Just smile and ignore her sniping. She is probably feeling out of control in her life and therefore trying to control you. Don't play her game.

You're not in the wrong for going out. Mine are at their dad's the same frequency as yours, and I was out last night. It's fine.
She needs to drop the judgement. You're going to the cinema, not falling out of nightclubs plastered at 3am. keep that for when she's at her dad's

I wish I had the energy for falling out of nightclubs! I will be back by 9pm I reckon.

It's hard to grin and bear it but I know deep down I need to otherwise I am making a rod for my own back.

She's definitely not neglected. I even offered to give her some money for her and a friend to get a pizza and rent a movie on Sky but she was having none of it and said she will sit alone rather than have her friend round. Which I think is probably cutting her nose off to spite her face.

Let her sulk. She'll regret turning down your offer when she's bored at home on her own.

It's your house, don't let her call the shots.

How old is DS, and who is in charge of him when you are not there?

He is 14. He tends to be off out himself staying at a friends or if he is at home my mum lives close by in case of any problems and usually pops in.

so are you leaving your 16 year old daughter effectively in charge of your 14 year old son when you are out? Do they get on? is he stronger than her? does either tease or bully the other? what is she supposed to do if he drinks/smokes/ breaks something/ invites other people in etc.

what is she supposed to do if he is unwell, or has an accident?

User1497480444
what is she supposed to do if he is unwell, or has an accident?

shes 16 not 8 that she cant call emergency service or op mum who can come by.
I dont think this is about having to lookafter her 14yo brother.
Do as you please op. You are the parent not dd just smile at her and be off on ur way.
She can sulk all she wants and its not like you didnt offer for her friend to come round.

User what are you on about. He's 14.

it might very ell be about not wanting to be alone with her brother. How often do you go out? why don't you take DC with you? it does seem a bit odd to e to be going to the cinema leaving teens alone at home.

Wallywobbles, 14 years old is the peak of bad behaviour in many children.

I do lots with my DC. I spend most of my time with them and always make sure they are well looked after. I took time off work to support her during her GCSEs and never go out when they are ill / would always come home when they are ill. She isn't expected to look after her brother and yes they have their moments and squabble but so do most DCs at their age. If there is an issue when I'm not around between them then I tell her to ring me and I will speak to them both by phone. Admittedly not when I am in the cinema. But I am always on hand when I am at work or not physically present.

So there are issues between them when you are not around?

Yes there are but nothing that isn't normal teenage behaviour. Squabbles about where the remote is etc. But that isn't the issue here as he was at a friends yesterday so she wasn't left with any responsibility or tasks related to looking after him x

why doesn't she take the dc with her?

What a weird question. First of all, surely most adults want the occasional adult night out. How chuffed are her friends going to be if she shows up with a couple of teens in tow? Maybe the kids don't want to go along. I was invited to my friends house last weekend, I asked my dc if they wanted to come. All of them "politely declined".

She's been a parent for 16 years fgs, she's entitled to a night out. If any of my dc asked me not to go out, I would listen to them if it were a real reason, but if they just didn't think I was deserving of a social life I would still go. I think it's important for kids to see that their parents are people with lives too, and not just their parent (usually mum) there for their convenience or to do their bidding.

its not really a weird question, most parents socialise with their teens, rather than without them, or at least give them the option of coming. At least they do in the real world, what ever happens here! And the OP sends the children to their father regularly, so has plenty of nights to herself.

Actually what is your problem User? I don't send them to their dads, they have to have contact with him because he cheated on me when I was pregnant with my DS and letting them have a relationship with their dad is appropriate and unfortunately something a court would support. I'm not sure what world you do live in (certainly not the real one) but if you haven't got anything to do I would suggest you fuck back off there and leave the rest of us to our discussion. I'm sure it's all so much better there dancing around on daisy lawns and floating on little clouds. Meanwhile the rest of us will try and support each other through the realities of life as that is the spirit of Mumsnet