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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD being a nightmare. Tell me I'm not alone

63 replies

StaciesMom · 08/07/2017 11:46

My DD 16 is horrid at the moment.

Was prepared to be understanding while she was doing GCSEs but now they are over, imbue made it clear she can't control me and DS in the way she tries.

I work full time and spend a lot of time with her other than that but she is very demanding. Her main issues is that I shouldn't be allowed to 'go out' on nights when they are at mine and should only organise things for when they're at their dads. I have held firm about this and she is in a very bad mood saying I am a terrible parent and I should be ashamed etc. She's no longer speaking to me.

I am supposed to be going to the cinema tonight but I'm so upset I'm thinking about not going. Please someone tell me this is normal and I haven't messed up with my parenting somewhere along the line?

OP posts:

user1497480444 · 09/07/2017 17:16

I don't have a problem. I think its nice that your DD wants to be with you in the evenings. And you do have plenty of evenings she isn't there to go out on your own, if you want. And you do say there are sometimes issues between the two teens when you leave them home alone together.

You asked for opinions, my opinion is as I have said. I wouldn't go to the cinema without inviting my children.

Rainybo · 09/07/2017 17:21

User - are you serious? Or are you seriously suggesting that StaciesMom practises some weird kind of teenage level attachment parenting.

If her DD wants to go to the cinema with her mum, they can do that another night. I'm sure her DD wouldn't invite her mum out everywhere she goes.

memyselfandaye · 09/07/2017 17:31

Most parents socialise with their teens in the real world? Do they fuck!

As for the OP "sending" her kids to their Father? Wtf? Sending them? He's their parent, not a babysitter.

youarenotkiddingme · 09/07/2017 17:36

Sending the kids to their father regularly?

Did you miss the post of a) they are teens b) it's 8 evenings a week approx a month.

Is your DD maybe feeling a little unsure because she's finished her exams? I know when I was that age (many moons ago!) although through school I had a large social circle and saw them most weekends once that 30/35 hours of school contact went it felt lonely.

I wasn't a cow bag to my mum about it though!

Teens can behave like toddlers sometimes and I find talking like you would to a toddler but on an adult level can sometimes help.

So "I'm going to the cinema tonight at 6 and will be back by 9. We can go out tomorrow at 10am just let me know where and the budget is £x".

So the I'm doing them this is happening and then just ignoring.

Squeegle · 09/07/2017 17:49

I would be happy to socialise with my teens. They not so.

hayli · 09/07/2017 17:53

User- so you 'invite' ur children when out with ur mates? Esp if theyre teenagers? glad im not ur friend
Op its fine going out without ur teenage kids. and all teenage have squabbles. nothing serious from what op has mentioned between her teenages.
infact op you should soend more nights out

ImAFurchester · 09/07/2017 17:55

so are you leaving your 16 year old daughter effectively in charge of your 14 year old son when you are out? Do they get on? is he stronger than her? does either tease or bully the other? what is she supposed to do if he drinks/smokes/ breaks something/ invites other people in etc.

FGS.

Meanwhile, back in the real world...

ImAFurchester · 09/07/2017 17:56

most parents socialise with their teens, rather than without them, or at least give them the option of coming. At least they do in the real world, what ever happens here!

reetgood · 09/07/2017 18:05

this thread has taken an unexpectedly hilarious turn thanks to user. Are you kidding me?

I admit I'm not a parent of teens, but at age 16 post GCSEs I had a job and a fair amount to be going on with myself. I did not comment on my parents social life! She's legally allowed to run a household by herself, I think she can take a few hours alone. I would be inclined to take the 'too bad so sad' approach and go... but @areyoukiddingme's suggestion sounds much more compassionate.

Alittlepotofrosie · 09/07/2017 18:15

Maybe user is just trying to give you a laugh op? It's pretty funny to suggest an NT 14yo needs looking after while his mum goes to the cinema. Your dd is being a brat op. You're entitled to a social life. I bet she doesn't think twice about going out with her friends when she wants to, yet you've got to be in the house at her beck and call. No thanks!

bugaboo218 · 09/07/2017 18:24

Op you are entitled to a life! Just go to the cinema and let DD sulk. She needs to get over herself!

User what fucking planet are you on?
In the real world.most teens do not want to socialise and go out with their parents, well only occasionally!

Original poster

StaciesMom · 09/07/2017 19:26

Thank you for all the supportive messages. It's hard having to have these battles but I guess it's unavoidable at times when you're parenting but it's good to know I have you all behind me xx

OP posts:

Iluvthe80s · 09/07/2017 19:28

"And the OP sends the children to their father regularly, so has plenty of nights to herself."
I read that their Dad has them once a week and every other weekend, so I wouldn't class that as plenty of nights to herself tbh.

NC4now · 09/07/2017 19:35

Lolling at parents socialising with their teens! Mine are mortified at being seen in public with me.
Actually, they are pretty cool kids, but wouldn't want to be dragged along to a mum's cinema trip.

corythatwas · 09/07/2017 20:27

user1497480444 Sun 09-Jul-17 16:57:36
"its not really a weird question, most parents socialise with their teens, rather than without them,"

I love socialising with my teen. But that does not mean I do not also need some time to socialise with other adults, to socialise with people who share my interests in life, to socialise with people who laugh at the same thing I do.

The alternative would be to expect my teen to meet me halfway and take as much interest in me and my interests as I do in him and his. And quite frankly, that is not going to happen.

As the OP has been divorced for a good many years it is also not inconceivable that she might want to go out to meet a ..... man. At least I don't think one should find that possibility particularly shocking after 14 years or whatever as a single parent. Should she take her 16yo out with her on the pull?

user1497480444 · 09/07/2017 20:47

she does have 8 nights a month she can do that.

Why all the shock and amazement at doing things with your teens? We do a lot of things apart, and a lot of things together. I go along to what my teens are interested in and they come along to what I m interested it. There is some overlap, but not total. We do things together with other family friends and their teens. Sometimes I take my teens and other teens out for the day. Sometimes my teens go out with other families. Honestly, it is completely normal, with everyone I know, single parents or married parents, either way. What I would not do is go out to the cinema without them, when thy had asked me not to, and I had 8 days a month when they are elsewhere to do as I pleased.

Somehow, I knew the people on this thread would be different....

Alittlepotofrosie · 09/07/2017 20:54

User maybe you should take a step back from your children and give them a bit of room. I doubt they're so happy about you tagging along all the time but they don't want to hurt your feelings.

user1497480444 · 09/07/2017 20:57

they have plenty of room, and ask to be with me, and if they ask, I don't ever say no, because I know they are close to being independant adults, and i won't have that pleasure for long.

OPs DD is also asking to be with her, and she is calling her every name under the sun for it

OPs DD could be on here herself in a few yeas time, talking about her mother. I hope its nice things and a good relationship, but I can't help thinking DD has good reason not to feel like a priority in her Mums life today.

Original poster

StaciesMom · 09/07/2017 21:02

Oh dear she's back 🙉

OP posts:

ImAFurchester · 09/07/2017 21:02

user1497480444 · 09/07/2017 21:05

I'm far from perfect, I'm just completely normal

Alittlepotofrosie · 09/07/2017 21:07

Don't be so sure your own kids won't be here asking for advice. Who is to say you are right and op is wrong? I think its actually really unhealthy to rely on your kids to provide you with a social life such as you describe.

memyselfandaye · 09/07/2017 21:09

I just heard on the news there was a mass breakout at the twat farm @StaciesMom

I think some of them have ended up here.

ImAFurchester · 09/07/2017 21:10

user1497480444 · 09/07/2017 21:15

I think its actually really unhealthy to rely on your kids to provide you with a social life such as you describe.
I don't rely on them for a social life, and they don't rely on me, but I spend time with them when they ask me to, and we do things together.

calling a perfectly normal, good relationship "unhealthy" is just way of justifying yourself, when you don't actually want to respond to your kids and don't want to feel like you should. So you decide it is "unhealthy" to do so., because it lets you off the hook.

Like I said, everyone I know in real life spends time with their children. Shared hobbies and interests, shared activities, shared family friends. Thats normal and healthy.

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