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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Gave my 18yr old daughter an ultimatum

58 replies

user1499015362 · 02/07/2017 18:41

My 18yr old daughter has been in her first relationship for the past year. Turbulent is the only way I can describe it and she has been hurt so much. At the beginning of the relationship the parents booked a holiday including my daughter and bf who agreed to it. The holiday isn't for a couple of months but they have been paying it off over the last 8mths. During the last month my daughter's bf has dumped her three times. Each time to our dismay she has gone back to him. The second time she got back with him I told her we wanted nothing to do with him and that he was not welcome in our life. A week later he broke up with her again. The third time it happened she told his mother she wouldn't be going on the holiday and to refund any money etc. Not long after she did this the mother messaged her saying she had just had to pick up the son up from work as he had had a breakdown. A few hours later my daughter messaged her and said she had changed her mind and would now go on the holiday. I was FURIOUS !! I gave her the ultimatum. Either carry on having them in your life and go on the holiday and you can no longer stay at home OR have nothing to do with them and she could stay at home. The second time they broke up her reasoning was that they needed time to sort themselves out and 'better' themselves. He is always telling her she is too emotional etc etc. So she decided to change her contraception so she wouldn't be so emotional (it was the pill that was causing it not the bf apparantly), she started taking medication to help with her anxiety (again this was not caused by the bf apparantly) and she started doing yoga. He on the other hand did nothing to improve himself. Obviously she wasn't 'improved' enough because he broke up with her again. When I gave her the ultimatum she chose 'the holiday' and him even though they are 'just friends'. She went and stayed with a friend the first night but then went to stay at his. I am at my wits end as to what to do to get her back.

OP posts:
roseandviolets · 02/07/2017 18:42

You're not going to get her back by pushing her away.

memyselfandaye · 02/07/2017 18:45

You told her to go, what do you expect?

You sound as bad as the boyfriend.

flumpybear · 02/07/2017 18:45

Oh yes be Very careful here - she has never handled
Anything like this before and perhaps needs
Comfort and someone to talk to -
Don't push her - help her
Good luck!

bigchris · 02/07/2017 18:46

What to do to get her back ?

You are way too involved

You can't give ultimatums to her to choose, your role is just to support her in her decisions

Onhold · 02/07/2017 18:46

She's 18. Would you really chuck her out over her choice of bf? Be there for her,don't issue stupid ultimatums.

mayoli · 02/07/2017 18:49

You kicked your daughter out because she's vulnerable in her first relationship and being manipulated by her boyfriend and his family? You think telling her to leave the family home and live with the people who are hurting her is genuinely a good idea? Really?

gamerchick · 02/07/2017 18:50

Why did you issue an ultimatum if you want to take it back? Confused

You are WAY to involved. She just needs a steady rock to fall back on let her make her own mistakes.

You are within your rights to ask her not to tell you every little detail of her love life though. Time to take a step back.

Onhold · 02/07/2017 18:51

She is not going to choose you over him.

AnyFucker · 02/07/2017 18:51

This reply has been deleted

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2littlemoos · 02/07/2017 18:53

Wow OP that was not a good move.

She needs to hurt and learn from her mistakes and she will.

You need to be there to offer her a cuppa and a cuddle when it does happen. Otherwise she will stop telling you. Perhaps that damage has already been done though.

You need to pick her up and sincerely apologise.

How dramatic and hurtful.

Bumdishcloths · 02/07/2017 18:54

Totally agree with @mayoli

Pushing her away will result in her being, well... AWAY. She needs your support not your judgement. I've made many, many regrettable decisions and am truly grateful that my mum never once said I told you so, she always just listened.

Underthemoonlight · 02/07/2017 18:55

You have fallen into the trap by pushing her away you've just push her closer to her bf

Onemorewonthurt · 02/07/2017 18:56

She'll always remember being kicked out at 18 because her first relationship wasn't to your standard, good going op

Your role is to support her, common sense really. Her relationship, not yours

GreenTulips · 02/07/2017 18:56

She needs a safe haven - asbit stands she's trapped at his and has no where to go

RebelRogue · 02/07/2017 18:58

You gave a young woman who is vulnerable,manipulated and "in love" (possibly emotionally abused ) the choice between staying or going? You actually thought she'd be in a place to make the right choice? She obviously can't since she keeps going back to him.
She needs love,support and understanding,not ultimatums.
My biggest worry now would be how much will she put up with just so she won't prove you right and get an "I told you so".

FidgetSpinner · 02/07/2017 18:58

Ultimatums will backfire badly on you. Just let her get on with it.

Ohyesiam · 02/07/2017 19:16

Op, did I read that right? You told your daughter that she would not be welcome in her own home at a time when she is anxious, upset and in trouble?
She needs your support now more than ever.

user1499015362 · 02/07/2017 19:26

I have been there for her with everything she has been through with everything in her life. Every single thing. I have held her, wiped her tears, laughed with her, talked with her. I have listened. I have never told her 'I told you so'. I really don't think having a daughter who has been in a relationship like hers would be up to anyone's standard. And since this happened we have talked....alot. I was looking for advice.

OP posts:
Onhold · 02/07/2017 19:30

My advice is to tell her she can come home.

mayoli · 02/07/2017 19:33

So you've been there for her unconditionally and then given her an overwhelming ultimatum? That's not fair on her, OP. You've been there for her in the past and she needs you more again.
My advice. Apologise to her. Give her space to come home. Take back the silly ultimatum.

AnyFucker · 02/07/2017 19:33

Anyone's "standard" ?

What the fuck are you talking about ? My own dd has been in a destructive relationship. Shaming her about "standarfs" was the last thing on my mind.

You sound like, certainly on this occasion, a substandard mother

Eggandchipsfortea93 · 02/07/2017 19:33

OP I think the advice is generally not to give her ultimata, but to continue to support her, as you've described doing in the past. That's the job, it doesn't stop because she's 18.
I'd suggest you apologise, tell her you didn't mean to give her an ultimatum, you were just worried for her. Ask her to come home, and reassure her that you'll be there to support her, whatever challenges she faces. If you don't feel able to provide that support, it may be best to leave things as they are, but try to keep in touch, without trying to tell her what she should do.

Onhold · 02/07/2017 19:35

At home she has a safe space to get away from the situation. You must see that,surely

user1499015362 · 02/07/2017 19:37

The weekend they had broken up again, I had plans to go away for the weekend. She was so upset and so I changed my plans to include her and she came away with me for the weekend. It was then that she told her now ex bf and his parents that she wouldn't be going on the holiday with them etc. After she had done this she then got a message from the mother about the bf having an apparant breakdown. It wasn't till 2 days later that I found out my daughter had told the b/f mother that she had changed her mind and would go on the holiday. She did that after the mother had messaged her.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/07/2017 19:41

So ?