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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Gave my 18yr old daughter an ultimatum

58 replies

user1499015362 · 02/07/2017 18:41

My 18yr old daughter has been in her first relationship for the past year. Turbulent is the only way I can describe it and she has been hurt so much. At the beginning of the relationship the parents booked a holiday including my daughter and bf who agreed to it. The holiday isn't for a couple of months but they have been paying it off over the last 8mths. During the last month my daughter's bf has dumped her three times. Each time to our dismay she has gone back to him. The second time she got back with him I told her we wanted nothing to do with him and that he was not welcome in our life. A week later he broke up with her again. The third time it happened she told his mother she wouldn't be going on the holiday and to refund any money etc. Not long after she did this the mother messaged her saying she had just had to pick up the son up from work as he had had a breakdown. A few hours later my daughter messaged her and said she had changed her mind and would now go on the holiday. I was FURIOUS !! I gave her the ultimatum. Either carry on having them in your life and go on the holiday and you can no longer stay at home OR have nothing to do with them and she could stay at home. The second time they broke up her reasoning was that they needed time to sort themselves out and 'better' themselves. He is always telling her she is too emotional etc etc. So she decided to change her contraception so she wouldn't be so emotional (it was the pill that was causing it not the bf apparantly), she started taking medication to help with her anxiety (again this was not caused by the bf apparantly) and she started doing yoga. He on the other hand did nothing to improve himself. Obviously she wasn't 'improved' enough because he broke up with her again. When I gave her the ultimatum she chose 'the holiday' and him even though they are 'just friends'. She went and stayed with a friend the first night but then went to stay at his. I am at my wits end as to what to do to get her back.

OP posts:
BuzzKillington · 02/07/2017 19:46

Blimey. She's only 18 - you can expect her to make poor decisions as she is emotionally immature. Your job is to support and guide her.

She is only 18!! I feel very sorry for her with you as a mother.

DancesWithOtters · 02/07/2017 19:52

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Epipgab · 02/07/2017 19:52

What did the so-called "breakdown" consist of? From his behaviour I expect is was the BF having a tantrum because he hadn't got what he wanted for a change. It seems clear where he learned his behaviour from too!

Apologise to your DD, and say that if at any time she wants to come home from the holiday, she can. I had a similar relationship when I was a bit older than your DD and I wouldn't have chosen my parents if I'd been given an ultimatum. I had to come to realise myself that it would be best to LTB! She knows you don't like this boyfriend but unfortunately she has to work out for herself that she deserves better.

thealbatross · 02/07/2017 20:00

From I was 15 to 21, there was no end of drama between me and my then boyfriend. My aunt and uncle supported me through it all. It would NEVER have crossed their mind to issue me an ultimatum like that. And if they had, I would have gone.

Tell her to come home. Then keep out of it until she suggests otherwise.

user1499015362 · 02/07/2017 20:01

Oh wow. I don't know how to reply to individual replies but DanceswithOtters I was explaining myself to everyone who seems to think I'm a crap mother. I know its my job to be there and I have been and no I don't expect or think I deserve a medal !! I have no idea what a 'pp' is.
Epipgab I have no idea what his breakdown or if he even had one but he was well enough to go back to work.

OP posts:
Eggandchipsfortea93 · 02/07/2017 20:05

Pp= previous post OP. I don't think I've ever seen a thread with such unanimous advice! Please believe us, that its best to just support her, whetherbshe sees him, or goes on the holiday, or not, and don't see it as a competition between you, and the bf. The only way to win is not to compete, or demand, but to just support her.

PortiaCastis · 02/07/2017 20:11

If I gave my 18year old an ultimatum she'd leave for good. She's a person with her own life to lead so all I can do is help and guide her when she needs advice
You are over invested OP and will drive your dd away for good if you issue ultimatums, after all he's her bf not yours

RJnomore1 · 02/07/2017 20:18

Oh crikey. I can't get over that comment about not up to standard.

I'm an intelligent woman and at 20 I was in this kind of abusive/destructive relationship. My very bright dd of 17 has been there. I wish with all my heart she hadn't because I don't want her hurting like I did but it would never make her substandard for me

Lucked · 02/07/2017 20:31

i think it is okay to not want to be drawn into all the drama but not to give her an ultimatum. Point out that this is having a massive impact on your life and then let her get on with it, don't cancel your weekend plans just suggest she gets some friends round.

You seem to know a lot of detail and I think you should just be more aloof over it all.

notanurse2017 · 02/07/2017 20:36

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user1499015362 · 02/07/2017 20:39

RJnomore1 - Onemorewonthurt said 'She'll always remember being kicked out at 18 because her first relationship wasn't up to your standard' I replied with 'I really don't think having a daughter who is in a relationship like mine is would be up to anyone standard.' As in no one would want there daughter to be in a relationship like that. Then AnyF*er replied with 'Shaming her about standards was the last thing on my mind'
Were did I say anything about this being about my standards or shaming my daughter about her standards.

OP posts:
user1499015362 · 02/07/2017 20:44

I did cancel my weekend plans 'Lucked' I took her away instead.

Anyway thank you everyone. I will talk to her and ask her if she wants to come home and we will just take it from there.

OP posts:
flamingnoravera · 02/07/2017 20:55

user I'm so glad to hear you will welcome her back, please tell her you really want her to come home. Tell her there are no conditions on her coming home. She needs to know that your home is where she is safe from the manipulation of the bf.

Dragonbait · 02/07/2017 21:28

Please bear in mind that this sounds like the start of an abusive relationship and separating her from her support networks will work in his favour. I can only imagine how hard it is to be there through this while she's making the wrong decisions but maybe consider getting counselling to help you cope so that you can be there with her and cope in what will likely be a long period before she sees sense x

DancesWithOtters · 02/07/2017 21:34

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Voice0fReason · 02/07/2017 22:28

Ultimatums have no place in healthy, supportive relationships. It's manipulative behaviour.

Despairing42 · 02/07/2017 23:37

I feel your frustration DD is the same. She likes to tell me all the awful things that have happened in real detail followed by the line "I swear that's it it's over this time for good", they are generally back together an hour or 2 later. Then she expects me to pleased despite now knowing what's he's said/done. I have detatched , still listen but don't let it cause arguments between us, I give advice she listens occasionally. Don't throw her out just pushes her further into his clutches and isolates her more.

user1499015362 · 03/07/2017 00:19

It is frustrating especially when each time he finishes with her we are there for her, building her back up again and again. Like I said in my other post I changed my plans for a weekend away and took her away instead. I have met up with her on her lunch breaks, taking her out for a treat for tea etc each time they break up so that she is not alone and yes we do those things whether she is happy or sad anyway. I have tried talking, listening again and again.I shouldn't have given her the ultimatum but I was at a loss at to what else to do. They are 'just friends' at the moment and even though she has plenty of friends she could have gone to she chose to go and stay at his. So all I am thinking is that even though he has dumped her three times in the last three weeks and they are now 'just friends' she wants to be with him no matter what, no matter how badly he treats her, no matter how many times he dumps her.

OP posts:
SomeOtherFuckers · 03/07/2017 01:27

My Dsis has been doing this for 18 months now - it's draining and boring and so fucked up. I would never ever give her an ultimatum even though the situation has exhausted me. I love her and would never want to lose her through forcing her hand.
YABU

SomeOtherFuckers · 03/07/2017 01:29

They break up every other weekend

AnneofGreenGablesAgain · 03/07/2017 01:33

Op good that you will ask he to come back. If you can find it in you to apologise for your ultimatum that would be good. You could explain honestly that you worry so much when she is upset and you just did something daft out of panic and that you are really sorry and it won't happen again.

Just tell her you are there for her and try to bide your time until they break up for good. Fingers crossed that happens soon!

notanurse2017 · 03/07/2017 07:02

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happymumof4crazykids · 03/07/2017 07:12

Wow why push her away like that? Do you always give her ultimatums over things like that? I can see that she is finding her way and all you should be doing is supporting her and being there for her when he dumps her. By all means tell her you hate to see her upset and that you are not sure he is right for her, but banning him and expecting her to choose was always going to backfire!

cansu · 03/07/2017 07:19

Why would you kick her out? Lots of people make mistakes with boyfriends when younger and older. You sound v immature to be giving her this kibd of an ultimatum. Plus you are pushing her to be more reliant on him. V odd. Just be there for her.

metalmum15 · 03/07/2017 07:20

Jesus Christ, if my parents had kicked me out every time I had a shitty boyfriend I never would have lived with them again after about 16. Your dd is 18, unfortunately she has to learn from her own mistakes. It's not your place to give her ultimatums, all you can do is be there for her when she needs advice or a shoulder to cry on.

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