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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Gave my 18yr old daughter an ultimatum

58 replies

user1499015362 · 02/07/2017 18:41

My 18yr old daughter has been in her first relationship for the past year. Turbulent is the only way I can describe it and she has been hurt so much. At the beginning of the relationship the parents booked a holiday including my daughter and bf who agreed to it. The holiday isn't for a couple of months but they have been paying it off over the last 8mths. During the last month my daughter's bf has dumped her three times. Each time to our dismay she has gone back to him. The second time she got back with him I told her we wanted nothing to do with him and that he was not welcome in our life. A week later he broke up with her again. The third time it happened she told his mother she wouldn't be going on the holiday and to refund any money etc. Not long after she did this the mother messaged her saying she had just had to pick up the son up from work as he had had a breakdown. A few hours later my daughter messaged her and said she had changed her mind and would now go on the holiday. I was FURIOUS !! I gave her the ultimatum. Either carry on having them in your life and go on the holiday and you can no longer stay at home OR have nothing to do with them and she could stay at home. The second time they broke up her reasoning was that they needed time to sort themselves out and 'better' themselves. He is always telling her she is too emotional etc etc. So she decided to change her contraception so she wouldn't be so emotional (it was the pill that was causing it not the bf apparantly), she started taking medication to help with her anxiety (again this was not caused by the bf apparantly) and she started doing yoga. He on the other hand did nothing to improve himself. Obviously she wasn't 'improved' enough because he broke up with her again. When I gave her the ultimatum she chose 'the holiday' and him even though they are 'just friends'. She went and stayed with a friend the first night but then went to stay at his. I am at my wits end as to what to do to get her back.

OP posts:
metalmum15 · 03/07/2017 07:20

Jesus Christ, if my parents had kicked me out every time I had a shitty boyfriend I never would have lived with them again after about 16. Your dd is 18, unfortunately she has to learn from her own mistakes. It's not your place to give her ultimatums, all you can do is be there for her when she needs advice or a shoulder to cry on.

NanooCov · 03/07/2017 07:56

I had a similar relationship between the ages of 17 and 21. It probably wouldn't have lasted so long if my parents (particularly my mother) hadn't been so vocal in their disapproval. She's 18 and needs to come to the realisation on her own that he's not right for her and she owes him nothing. You have to weigh up the minor inconvenience of having to build her back up after the next drama against the risk of losing her or permanently damaging your relationship if you issue ultimatums.

Despairing42 · 03/07/2017 09:05

As frustrating as it is you just have to remember as crap as it is she's learning, I had horrific boyfriend till I was around mid 20s, it was a pretty shit learning curve. Young love is intense and often they struggle to let go , your DD probably knows he's being a knob, just isn't ready to feel the hurt of him finding another girlfriend yet but it will come. Dds relationship seems almost like an addiction.

I go against the grain in that DD knows precisely how I feel about her boyfriend and I do not hide it, but he has been absouloutley hideous to DD. I just say - I understand that you love him but your worth so much more than that knob and I can't wait for you to realise that.

Has your DD also stopped seeing friends?

user1499015362 · 03/07/2017 09:39

Yes Despairing42 she has stopped seeing her friends. During the last breakup when they decided that they needed time to work on themselves she decided to become friends with his friends. That was her answer to the problem of them arguing about him spending more time with his friends than he was with her. Her self improvement also included changing her contraception because the one she was on was making her too emotional (he was telling her she was too emotional) She also went to the docter and got medication for anxiety (he was telling her she worries to much etc) Like I said before he broke up with her a week later anyway.

OP posts:
memyselfandaye · 03/07/2017 09:49

Don't ask her if she wants to come home, tell her you want her to come home

Then apologise for getting it so wrong.

user1499015362 · 03/07/2017 10:12

For the first 10 months even though these problems were there we tried to accept her choice, we did try talking her. He only ever came to our house a couple of times. She was always going to his. When we moved she got the bigger bedroom (in the other house her brother always had the bigger bedroom) and we got her a double bed etc because she wanted him to spend more time at here. He stayed here once. The last month has been the worst with them breaking up for a week and getting back together.

OP posts:
user1499015362 · 03/07/2017 10:55

After he broke up with her that last time and I took her away for the weekend. We talked. She said to me that each time he had broken up with her she hadn't, in her head broken up with him. She said this time he broke up with her she had, in her head broken up with him and that is what she had needed to do. Which is why she had also told him and his parents that she wouldn't be going on the holiday and to cancel her part of it. His parents said 'Are you sure' she said yes she was, she told them to refund her any money she would get back and also told b/f to transfer her share of the spending money they had saved to her account. Within half an hour of her doing that she got the text from b/f mother saying b/f had had a breakdown and she had to pick him up from work. It was a some point after that when DD told them she had changed her mind and would go on the holiday. B/f made a quick recovery from his apparant breakdown. She didnt tell me that she had changed her mind, I found out two days later.

OP posts:
mamawitch · 03/07/2017 20:36

Please god, don't make her choose between you and him! My mum did this to me and it made me more determined to be with him ... I had two kids to him by the time I was 22 and it was only after him continuing to treat me like shit that I realised and ended up getting him out of my life! This is her life, her choices, she will have a limit of her own, trust me just support her and love her, be her mum, she needs you to be cool right now! Believe me you will regret it if you push her towards him through ultimatums.

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