Friend Issues - pls help!

[dravensangel]

DS 13, has small group of friends, BF is very manipulative, they have had a big fall out and DS refused school today and is now screaming, shaking, crying in total anxiety about school tomorrow. At a total loss! Have told her she needs to face these things and it won't go away just because she is not at school tomorrow. Feel so helpless! Would any of you have any ideas? Any advice very gratefully received!

Sorry you havent had a reply. Is it your DS or DD? Did they get to school today? I would say see how things look after the weekend. Hope they are feeling a bit better today. Can you encourage her to distance herself a bit from BF? Sorry not much help.

Thank you so much for replying! Should have said DD sorry, was a bit stressed when I wrote that! She didn't go in today. I have said she should try and distance herself a bit, but it's a very intense relationship and BF (Best friend not boyfriend) has made her drop all her other friends. At least we have the weekend to decompress and talk some more. I really appreciate your reply, thank you.

No problem. I have sons so not much experience with girls but I think their relationships can be intense at this age. Hope things blow over by Monday. Might be worth a quiet word with her form tutor so they can keep an eye on things at school. Its a tough age and its tough being a mum,; you want to make everything OK for them but they have to go through some of this stuff on their own. Just let her know you are there for her and try and play down the drama of it. Good luck.

This is easy for me to say, I would have to brainstorm to think where OP could start.

I would be telling my DD to look for better friends. That she deserved better, and that real friends don't drive wedges between a person & other friends. There MuST be other, better people to hang out with.

Maybe the current BF just needs to grow up, but whatever her chances at reform, OP's DD deserves better... and CAN do better. There are other people in the school who want to be her friend. She doesn't have to stick with this BF for any reason, not with someone who treats her like rubbish.

I had a friend like that and in year 9 my parents moved me to a different school for many reasons - I later found out she was a key factor. She used to make my life a misery, turning on me for no reason.

Broadening your dds social circle is the best remedy - get her involved in drama, sports, guides or anything she's interested in but isn't connected to school. Don't tell her friend at all if possible and certainly not initially. She needs the space to make other friends to help her self esteem.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies and helpful advice. I think I will speak to her tutor, as this friendship worries me and I try so hard not to interfere! But when it gets her in such a state I feel I can't ignore it. I love the idea of telling her she deserves a better friend. She says she is scared to speak to other people because of this BF, but I do think she needs to try. BF is away for most of summer, so I have suggested DD invite some other friends around and build new relationships. I am also trying to get her interested in new things go outside school, as I really like that idea. Again I am so grateful for your replies. Thank you so much.

I don't think it has to be interfering. You wouldn't be telling your DD "Don't be friends with that girl"

You'd be saying "You get to choose your friends so a good rule is to choose the nice people because everyone deserves nice friends" Then she decides (or figures out) if this friendship is worth keeping, or if she can renegotiate terms of this friendship, or if she wants to look elsewhere. Broadening in meantime so she can see there are other friendship possibilities is a perfect plan.

Thank you so much @lljkk I really appreciate your response. She says she is OK to go in on Monday as BF has now apologised and I have tried to explain that is still not OK to be treated like that. I think I will continue to encourage her to develop better friendships, I have told her that she deserves friends who will treat her in a good way and that she is worth more than this. We will see how it goes. It's such an intense relationship it's going to be hard for her. You just want to save all their problems for them don't you! Thanks again, very much appreciated.

I would definitely encourage her to see more friends during the holiday. If you have the money for it, I would make it as attractive as possible for other friends to want to spend time with her - e.g. buy the biggest pool you can afford, have BBQs, stock your freezer with loads of ice creams etc.

My DS has a friend like that very manipulative and has to have things his own way. Luckily he has a lot of interests and is quite sociable so he does have other friends who are much more reliable and supportive.
It's really difficult as a parent to fond that balance between protecting them from harmful people and giving them the space to see people for what they are. Does that make sense?
Anyway what I mean to say is, encourage other friendships and always let her know her self worth. As her confidence grows hopefully she'll become less reliant on this particular friendship