DS (15) has just broke down in tears. Please help

[TheEmperorIsNaked]

He went on a field trip last week. He'd told me he was dreading it because he'd have no-one to sit with on the coach because none of his mates were going. I did ask him how it went when he came home and he just grunted about it being boring. Tonight he told me that he spent to entire day alone. For lunch he found a wall to sit behind, plugged in his music and ate alone. Some kids noticed him and took the piss and threw biscuits at him so he was swamped with seagulls. He was really hurt. I'm really worried about him and I'm angry about it and also hurting for him.

Then he told me that in English they have to do group work. His group is just him. The only time he is in an actual group is when another child is off sick.

Last week he cried at school twice. Once in English when he thinks nobody noticed and another time in break where he was sobbing uncontrollably. A teacher noticed him and sent him to Student Services, but he left because he didn't want to speak about what had upset him.

After a lot of coaxing he has agreed to me calling the school and asking for help. He thinks it makes him weak and will lead to everyone targeting him as one of those kids that can't cope with anything. I've also suggested seeing our doctor. I've suffered from depression all my adult life and I think at least some part of this could be down to him also being depressed and needing some medical help.

His dad has been useless. He took the first opportunity to announce how tired he is and that he's going to bed. They are both asleep now but of course I can't sleep because all I want to do is find out how to help him and cry.

What is hurting me the most is that DS is so hard on himself. He really believes that he is defective and crap for not coping very well with life. This is why male suicide rates are so high. That terrifies me. I would do anything to help him.

Does anyone have any experience to share or advice, kind words, anything ...

You sound like an amazing mum!

This will get better for him, if he has signs of anxiety or depression then definitely get him to the GP. Is there any way he can be moved to another school if this doesn't get any better? He is absolutely not defective, there is something wrong with the kids throwing things at him!!

Oh, poor him and poor you. Hugs to both.

Being 15 and feeling like you don't fit in is fucking horrible. I didn't have a nice time at school at all and it really affected me and I also thought that I was defective in some way. (Weirdly enough, the people who were bastards to me now regularly try to add me on facebook and stuff - it seemed like they really hated me at school, but I think to them it was just teasing - weird how different our perceptions are. What was a massive and soul-crushing deal to me was something they barely thought about.)

Does he have some mates at school (you mentioned he does?)?

Is there any possibility of him doing stuff outside of school with kids that don't go there? A hobby - climbing/martial arts? Or volunteering?

I think you're doing all the right things, and he will thank you for supporting him. My mum made me feel like it was all my fault, which in the long run is what hurt the most.

Keep talking to him. Keep telling him how great he is and that you love him. He definitely needs someone to talk to...might need tp be someone other than you e.g.counsellor or mentor.definitely contact school tomorrow. and perhaps his dad is not useless, just scared of something he doesnt know how to handle. good luck

The others are bullying him, I think being upset about that is perfectly normal, not a sign of depression. (Though he could develop a depression as a consequence of being treated that way.)

He's not being bullied because he is defective in some way, he feels like crap because he is being bullied.

Good for him that he can show emotions, I don't think I cried more than once and twice through an entire schooltime of being bullied.
(And I am still depressed today, so bottling up the pain clearly doesn't work)

My mum made me feel like it was all my fault, which in the long run is what hurt the most.

My mum, too. She meant to solve the problem, as obviously, she couldn't tell the others to not be assholes, but all that good advice on how to avoid being targeted made me only feel like it was my fault for not fitting in.

He is absolutely not defective, there is something wrong with the kids throwing things at him!

This. Very important to tell him that.

15 was a horrible Age for me . Went from having loads of mates to everyone turning on me because I was depressed . I fought back - not the best advice but I basically challenged the food throwers etc as to what their fucking problem was . I self harmed in this period so keep an eye outb xx

Oh OP your poor boy At least he's not carrying it alone now he's told you and, much as it's hurting you, he's probably hurting a little less now he's told you.

I think the GP is your first port of call, it'll be difficult to tell the school what you need them to do to support him until you know what you're dealing with. Obviously there's some bullying going on which will need to be dealt with but I would be focusing on his emotional state as a starting point.

You mentioned that his friends were not on the trip and that he's alone in English, what's his friendship group actually like? Big, small, does he see them out of school etc? Did you get a feel for whether the way he's feeling is a result of the bullying or whether he was struggling with his emotions already?

Sorry for all the questions, just trying to work out which came first so it's clearer whether you're dealing with depression leading to isolation or bullying leading to depression if you see what I mean.

I don't think there's anything worse than seeing your child in pain and not being able to instantly fix it so I can well imagine how you must be feeling tonight, am happy to hold your hand if it helps a little

My mum, too. She meant to solve the problem, as obviously, she couldn't tell the others to not be assholes, but all that good advice on how to avoid being targeted made me only feel like it was my fault for not fitting in

My mum didn't even give me advice unfortunately, just told me it was my own fault since I was such a weirdo. Not really relevant to the thread, but it does make me happy every time I see mums doing a decent job as it reminds me that not every mum is like mine.

This breaks my heart. Op, love to your ds and you. Hugs. You are a wonderful caring mom. Your dh should be a caring listener and a strong shoulder for your ds as you are, as working as a loving team to help him would be ideal.

Secondly, the school. They must have noticed. Why won't they address the bullies? I see this so much even with zero tolerance for bullies supposedly.

We had a similar situation when my son was 14, except unfortunately he had no friends. He didn't admit what was going on, hid the extent of it from us and just seemed not quite himself for months, or maybe a year. He finally broke down, told us a little, and finally said: "There must be something wrong with me or they wouldn't all hate me so much". Reading what you wrote was just heartbreaking; I am so sorry you are going through this, and you described it so well, that it brought back all the feelings I had at the time.

When we figured out what was happening, we went to his school, and they were quite good- things improved a bit for a while, but soon the low level meanness and the exclusion began again. We kept him home for the first term of year 10, and he went to a new school after Christmas of year 10, made friends, and was never bullied again.

Thanks, all of you. I didn't think I'd get any replies tonight but I really needed to write some of it down and it's nice to know there are people who care enough to respond.

Yes, he does have mates. He's in a group of 4 lads but he's a bit different to the others. They are all very geeky, in top sets for everything, at every award ceremony, definitely all set for uni, whereas DS is fairly average at everything except sport. He's not sporty at all. They are his best friends but he does have other friends - many are girls and then there's boys that he chats to through online gaming. Some he knows through school and some just from gaming groups.

I will do anything to help him through this. He can change school, he can leave school, I'll teach him at home - whatever it takes I'll do it. I won't send him to a place where his self-esteem is getting wrecked.

As for activities outside of school, this has always been really difficult. He only ever wants to do things his mates are doing but his mates don't really do a lot that he can get involved in. They spend a lot of time with their families and that makes me feel terrible as we don't really have much family. DS is an only child and he only has one cousin who's older and independent and has her own stuff going on. He isn't sporty or into any special interest stuff that he could join clubs for or meet others through. He spends the majority of weekends and school holidays at home with us and I know that isn't healthy for a boy of his age.

BigYellow sorry to hear you had a miserable time at school too. I know exactly what you mean about having a mother that makes you feel like it's all your fault. My older sister really struggled with friendships at school and my mum's response to that was to humiliate her into shutting up about it. I knew better than to tell her anything when I started to have problems at school. It was wrong of her but I understand it now; it's so painful having your child tell you they are unhappy, not that I would do what she did.

The poor darling.

It makes me so angry that children are so cruel & thoughtless.

It's really a good thing that he's agreed to let you contact the school. Is it mainly the school stuff that's making him feel this way?

Why on earth didn't the teachers intervene on the field trip? Also I'd be totally hacked off that they didn't tell you he was sent to student services because he was so upset. I feel they have been quite remiss to say the least.

Hopefully you can speak to a member of the Pastoral support team. My DS5 really benefited from this when he was going through some not dissimilar problems earlier in the year.

Try to get some sleep tonight, tomorrow you can grab it by the horns mama bear.

P.S. sounds like Dad just didn't know what to offer, a hug at least, I hope?

Please keep us posted xx

I'm so sorry. When I started writing my second post I'd only seen the first 3 replies. I wasn't ignoring anyone. There are some lovely messages here that I want to respond to in detail but I'm not very quick so thought I'd just quickly send this in the meantime.

Thank you all x

I think this time in a boys life is so very hard, girls tend to have close friends who they can unburden on. Massive generalisation but girls tend not to laugh at their friends when they show weakness or vulnerability.

He has had a horrible time and I really feel for you both. When my son came to me and told me through sobs how worthless he felt and how he didn't blame everyone for hating him as he hated himself, I cried with him. I know it is hard to hear, but he is talking to you and that is a massive step in addressing things. It's when they don't talk that things have gone too far. He is sleeping, so talking to you has already helped. Well done mum.

One of the things that my son found comforting was when I told him that puberty in boys goes on for years, that his hormones were all over the place and he wouldn't feel like this for ever.

Keep talking to him encourage him to spend time with good friends. Speak to the school yourself, the situation in English is just bonkers, and encourage him to visit the student counsellor or GP if he prefers.

You are doing a good job, try and get some sleep💐

Ds is 17 now and pretty chilled about life, has some good close friends. 15 was pretty tough at times

Ah, OP, it sucks doesn't it to have a parent who doesn't care?

Maybe it's time to really try to get him into something outside of school. I thought I was non-sporty, but it was only because I never really found anything I liked doing, but it turns out that I actually love doing a lot of different sports! Music? Coding? Volunteering?

I guess you need to deal with the current crisis for now, but I think a good hobby that he could go to once a week at least would really lift him.

"Then he told me that in English they have to do group work. His group is just him. The only time he is in an actual group is when another child is off sick."

Surely the teacher should be deciding the groups, not allowing group-picking to turn into a popularity contest?

Sounds to me like the school needs to be spoken to about this and about not dealing with bullies. It's hard to force friendship with kids, but at a minimum they are responsible for stamping out unpleasant behavior.

You sound like a great mother and I hope you and your son get through this.

Hi op, I have a 14 yr old son so your post really upset me, poor ds.

My ds went through similar 2 yrs ago and we found that CAMHS were extremely helpful and in our situation it was a case of moving schools as ds was also a victim of cyber bullying.

Please continue to do what you're doing, your ds has now opened up so clearly trusts you and is likely to talk more now it's out in the open, definitely involve school.

I worried myself sick over my ds so I understand what you're going through

Poor you, you must be worried sick. One thing that should hopefully help is making home as calm and welcoming as possible. If school is hard then it needs to be his safe haven. Your husband needs to be on board with this. Good luck

It's hugely positive that he has confided in you - you sound like a great mum. Approaching the school pastoral care is a good first step as they may have support strategies. It does also sounds like it would be worth checking out the possibility of social anxiety or depression. My DS also confided at a similar age and, as heart breaking as it was, I now look back at it as the moment when we were able to help him get the support that was needed. A year later, after counselling/CBT, he's so much more confident and at ease with the world. Keep communication open and reassuring him that you're on his side, that together you'll find a way through this and that things will get better.

Hi Vestal. I agree, boys can cry and it isn't shameful. Hurtful names like pussy and sissy are examples of toxic masculinity. I think deep down he knows he is being bullied. Another thing he said tonight is that he's become aware that people are laughing at him. Straight after saying it he corrected himself and insisted that it was all paranoia. There's something going on at school about the way he carries his rucksack. It's some stupid shit about DS only carrying it on one shoulder when everyone else uses both. I'm convinced it is bullying, not good-natured banter.

We've spoken a lot about self-harm because some of his female friends do it. He says he doesn't understand why they do it or how it helps and he's often walking around home in just his boxer-shorts and I've never seen any evidence of it so I don't think he is doing/would do it. He does hit things though and I don't like that. He never damages anything but he will punch (concrete) walls and hard surfaces at home and I hate that. I can't stand the thought of him hurting himself.

Hiding thanks for your lovely message. Hand-holding is very welcome

A bit more about his friendship group. Obviously they're a small group and they are a nice bunch of lads but I'm not sure DS really fits in with them very well. They are really studious and he often gets frustrated with them for choosing extra study over gaming or going out. I tell him that I admire them for having the courage to be open about what they enjoy and encourage him to develop genuine interests in things that he can pursue when he's bored. He's been labelled as a geek/nerd at school because he's friends with some very clever kids but he's just average really. That's probably not helping.

My gut tells me that he's depressed and the stuff at school is making him feel worse. I think both issues need dealing with. I also think he needs different friends, not because his friends aren't 'good friends' but because I don't think he really enjoys their company all that much. I think he needs interests outside of gaming as well. I also wish he wasn't so anxious about everything. I wish he didn't compare himself to everyone else especially in areas where he is already feeling insecure. Tonight he said he has no confidence in his face, his body, his hair, etc. He just feels rubbish about himself.

Claraschu Thanks for sharing that. I will tell DS about your DS tomorrow as I think it will help him feel less alone.

Dibbles I am quite cross at the teachers for letting DS sit on his own on the field trip and for not telling us about him crying at school. I don't know if that's fair though. At the trip I'm not sure what they could have done short of asking DS to join them (mortifying) or forcing other kids to include him (mortifying, again). With the crying, perhaps it's not that unusual for a teenager to get upset and have some time out and they didn't think it meant anything bigger than that. I do wish that there was a system where someone would notice that a particular child was, not just having a bad day, but was having a thoroughly miserable time in general and that there was something they could do to help them.

Hi TheEmperor, well done for being such an attentive mum. Give your son a big hug.
Unlike a PP, I would advise you to get in touch with school and speak to student services. Explain to them what is going on and that he needs help.
Most secondary schools now have a counselor or have access to one/share one with other schools. If not, then a specific member of staff who will sit with him, try to tease out all the issues and, if necessary, refer him to CAHMS. Often their referrals are quicker than the GP.
If his friends are in different tutor groups, ask school if is possible to move him into the same one as one/all of his friends. He will at least be with them during registration and tutor group activities, even if he isn't studying the same subjects.
Schools often offer something along the lines of a "Buddy Mentor", sixth formers who have undergone some training, who then mentor younger students. They often help with organising themselves academically (homework diaries, revising tips etc), provide a listening ear and be a familiar face around the school. Of course your son's street cred would go up because he is mates with a sixth-former!
Because of his age, school will be very sensitive to any problems that may adversely affect his studies. One of the few times when the obsession with GCSE results and league works in your favour.
Try to arrange a mum & son date. Take him somewhere nice but peaceful, where you can talk. Explain that you're incredibly proud of him for being so strong. Strong enough to have been dealing with all the hurt, confusion and bullying for so long and for being strong enough to be able to show his emotions. Then tell him that it's time for him to show that strength by sharing every single issue that is troubling and hurting him. Write them all down together. You may get 1 or 2, you may get reams. Tell him that you hate to see him so unhappy and that it's time to get someone else on board to help in sorting through his issues so that they can either be solved or become manageable. You could say that the reason it's a 3rd party, is that because you're his Mum, you would be so upset and/or angry that you wouldn't be able to help as much, but that you will be with him every step of the way.
I'm absolutely convinced that everyone has a "thing". Something that they are really good at, something that they really enjoy/feel passionate about. Mine is rugby. My youngest son's is Lego, some of his friends tease him, saying that at 12, he is too old. He just says that he doesn't care because he is going to work for them and become a Lego set designer!
With regard to your husband, it could be that he needs time to get his head around the fact that your son is struggling, that maybe he doesn't know what to say/do? Can you find a time to speak to him alone? Say if not dealt with your son could suffer even more and affect his studies really badly.
Speaking to the GP may or may not be a good idea, it depends on how good they are with Mental Health issues. Don't let them medicate your son. He is still very young, going through massive hormonal changes which will be having a massive impact and I urge you to go to school first. The other issue with going to the GP is that it will be on his medical records. That may seem too important now, but some careers will want a medical history. The armed forces for example.
I went through a similar situation with my daughter a few years ago, and like you, I have MH problems. Unfortunately I was put on really powerful medication when I was about 16 which turned me into a zombie.
I'm sending you lots of love and hugs

I'm really, really sorry it was such a long post. I can only blame the time.

More lovely messages. Thank you. I'm behind again because everything I type is hurting me and I'm having to really think about what point I'm trying to make. When I hit send though, I feel better. When I read the replies I feel much better. It's horrible that other children are in emotional pain and I don't relish in that at all, but it does make me feel that our situation isn't hopeless. Others have been here. It doesn't have to set a precedent for the rest of DS's life.

xotyl that's heartbreaking. Your poor boy. They're the words that every parent dreads aren't they? It makes you long to go back to the days when the worst pain they had ever felt was a grazed knee and you could make it all go away with a plaster and a 'make it better kiss'. I was reluctant to admit this earlier on because I thought I'd be criticised and I really don't need that right now, but I have promised him the rest of the week off. I did call in sick for him today because I knew there was something going on that he wasn't ready to tell me and I couldn't bear to see him so unhappy. It was a good thing because it's what's led to him opening up to us. Tomorrow I will phone in and tell the truth and I will ask what services we can access. I'm also going to phone the GP and get him seen.

If anyone has any suggestions for other services I could contact please add them to this thread. I've heard of Young Minds. Would they be able to help?

Really pleased to hear that DS is a happy 17 year old. I hope he never feels the way he did when you both cried together ever again. x

BigYellow I have an idea for something DS could do that might help. He's massively into MMA/UFC. That's cage-fighting to anyone reading that's as uninitiated as I was a few months ago. We have a garage round the corner that is full of junk and I think it would make an excellent gym/den/chill out space for him. I've got a few hundred quid saved up and I'm going to spend it on a punch bag, gloves, weights and whatever else I can think of that would make it a nice space for him. We've spoken about doing this before but it's just never come to fruition. Please don't think that I'm encouraging him to be violent, I'm definitely not. It's just something that I know he loves and it might spark off into something bigger for him. At least he will have something soft to punch so he doesn't hurt his hands anyway. Perhaps it might lead to different friendships forming as well. There's another lad in our block who's in the year above DS at school. They only really nod hellos to one another at the moment but it's obvious that this boy is quiet and shy and doesn't have many friends. Who knows, he might see DS go out the back in the garage and join him or something.

Mary, yes I agree. There is a difference between fostering a kind atmosphere and forcing kids to be friends with other kids who they have nothing in common with. His English teacher shouldn't have allowed a situation where DS is in a 'group' all by himself. How can he possibly be doing group work?

Zoflora, sorry to hear that your son was also bullied. Can I ask, how did you involve CAHMS?

Thanks Rugby.

That's very interesting about the GP. I'm not really worried about anything being on his medical records because I'm of the frame of mind that if he is barred from a career then that might be for a very good reason. I'm in two minds about him being given medication though. I don't like the idea of it because he's young and I think it would make him feel it was his fault if he were given tablets, and obviously that's not true. On the other hand, I wonder if DS is just like me. I prefer to think of my depression as a disability of the brain that is easily overcome with a daily tablet. I don't want DS to suffer with these horrible feelings if he could avoid them by taking a simple pill.

Perhaps I should make an appointment for him but not take him. I'm not sure how that would work. Do I make an appointment in my name or his name? Also we're registered at different surgeries so that could make things more complicated.

Don't worry though. I wouldn't let the doctor just put DS on a drug and then leave him to it. I won't accept them just saying 'Oh this is adolescent depression, take this and you'll feel better soon'. I think he needs counselling and possibly medication for his mental health, but most importantly he needs to have a happier time at school. Whether that be at his current school or a different one.

Oh, and long posts are welcome. Just look at the length of mine

Don't let them medicate your son. He is still very young, going through massive hormonal changes which will be having a massive impact and I urge you to go to school first. The other issue with going to the GP is that it will be on his medical records. That may seem too important now, but some careers will want a medical history. The armed forces for example.
I went through a similar situation with my daughter a few years ago, and like you, I have MH problems. Unfortunately I was put on really powerful medication when I was about 16 which turned me into a zombie

Really bad advise based on you being prescribed medication at 16.

I think the OP should take this part of your post with a pinch of salt and decided for herself what she'll do with her son with regards to the Drs.