DS (15) has just broke down in tears. Please help

[TheEmperorIsNaked]

He went on a field trip last week. He'd told me he was dreading it because he'd have no-one to sit with on the coach because none of his mates were going. I did ask him how it went when he came home and he just grunted about it being boring. Tonight he told me that he spent to entire day alone. For lunch he found a wall to sit behind, plugged in his music and ate alone. Some kids noticed him and took the piss and threw biscuits at him so he was swamped with seagulls. He was really hurt. I'm really worried about him and I'm angry about it and also hurting for him.

Then he told me that in English they have to do group work. His group is just him. The only time he is in an actual group is when another child is off sick.

Last week he cried at school twice. Once in English when he thinks nobody noticed and another time in break where he was sobbing uncontrollably. A teacher noticed him and sent him to Student Services, but he left because he didn't want to speak about what had upset him.

After a lot of coaxing he has agreed to me calling the school and asking for help. He thinks it makes him weak and will lead to everyone targeting him as one of those kids that can't cope with anything. I've also suggested seeing our doctor. I've suffered from depression all my adult life and I think at least some part of this could be down to him also being depressed and needing some medical help.

His dad has been useless. He took the first opportunity to announce how tired he is and that he's going to bed. They are both asleep now but of course I can't sleep because all I want to do is find out how to help him and cry.

What is hurting me the most is that DS is so hard on himself. He really believes that he is defective and crap for not coping very well with life. This is why male suicide rates are so high. That terrifies me. I would do anything to help him.

Does anyone have any experience to share or advice, kind words, anything ...

Sit down with your son, a notebook and a pen. Gently encourage him to list every single thing that he is struggling with/hurting him. Sort them into categories: school, home, friends & miscellaneous.
School is top priority because it's every day. Get an appointment with his head of year and go over what I said above. In our LEA schools are able to refer students to CAHMS and I've been told that this is national.
Those friends might not be the best but they are companions, which is important right now.
Ask him the best way to meet people. Sports clubs, amateur dramatics, art club? How does he get on with younger children? 6-8 years. Is there a Scout group locally? He could become a Young Leader. They will be grateful for the help, the Scout Association pay for his training, he will meet new people and the little ones will love him because "a big boy is hanging out with us".
Does he do any sports? Can he join a club? Or offer to help with younger age groups. All sports associations will pay/subside the costs of becoming a coach/referee. The clubs will love the help and dealing with younger children will help his self-confidence.
I'm sure I will think of more things as the morning progresses and the coffee kicks in!

If you are willing to pull him out of school then I'd look at that. You can't change the kids perceptions and you can't make kids be friends/hang out at this age. We waited months for the school to possibly move ours to a new form group for all the reasons you described, then found out the school wouldn't move our child. We ended up leaving and moving. So onto a new school now and it's great.
If you can home educate look at that option too. If you can plug him into youth type groups or centres, and areas of interest for hobbies do so. Increase his self esteem, start building him up again and he might come right without the meds as it could be just the environment making him sad, at least at home you can monitor all that and then see if he should go to the GP. That's what I'd do. Nothing worse then being lonely and bullied at school. I'm so past thinking schools are the be all and end all of life. Nope. There's more out there for him. Go for it.

OP: I've just seen your query about meds and teens. Don't be fearful of them. They can work great. If he needs them go for it. Just ask your GP to explain the different types and why they might recommend one over the other. All the best.

For CAMHS you need a GP referral.

Rhubarb - not bad advice at all, given it followed suggestions of other avenues to explore first. The OP's son is really struggling with school. It seems sensible to sort that situation out as far as possible before leaping for the prescription pad. I do agree with you, in that I haven't worded what I wanted to say correctly.
OP - I SHOULD have said, don't let the GP immediately prescribe without ensuring all other steps have been taken eg CAHMS referral if you can't get one through school.
Yes personal experience, mine and daughter's. But all advice is based somewhat on personal experience.

Firefries - not true. Schools can refer also.

OP,

So sorry your DS is experiencing this.

Family Lives are a useful one-stop-shop for all sorts: maybe ask their advice? And/ or share on the forum there, too?
I'm sure they could provide links to specific (teen-orientated) online peer mentor support for DS, if he'd find that less stressful, or as an additional tool to whatever RL avenues you both pursue.

www.familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline/

The fact that your DS has confided in you, and is reassured you're providing a sympathetic listening ear, understanding and determination to improve the situation together, is hugely significant.

You're clearly a lovely, warm Mum, and he will always remember that you had his back during a tough time.

Best of luck to you both xx

Hi Rugby

I think he will probably just want me to leave off about it tomorrow (later on today I mean; I still haven't slept) and if so, I'll let it be until Thursday. We'll have a go at the notebook suggestion but I suspect he will need me to coax things out of him in a conversation.

AmDram is a good idea. I think he might find other kids there who don't fit in all that well and have learnt to say 'fuck you' to the haters and enjoy themselves. I will suggest that.

Anything sporty he won't go for, even if it's with younger kids. He's anxious about sport, genuinely thinks he's rubbish at it and would worry that he'd be laughed at. You've given me some ideas to google though.

Does anyone know of any organisations that help kids like DS? I'm thinking of something where I could contact another parent with a 14 - 16 year old child who's also struggling with friendships and we could all meet up as a group. Or a youth club for kids that have been bullied and are anxious/vulnerable.

Sorry, I don't know how I missed all those posts since Rugby's. I'll have a quick catch up now.

Think your garage idea is genius OP but maybe think about MMA classes too, lots of gyms and martial arts schools run them now and it would be a good way for him to meet people with the same interest.

The fact that you're willing to do whatever it takes to help him gives him every chance of this being a blip in his life rather than something more long term.

Taking him out of school is definitely an option, he can sit his GCSE's externally (usually at colleges) if that's the route you decide on although you may have to pay. If you type Home Education and your town into Facebook there will be groups in your area if you want to find out more about it and they will be able to tell you what options you have for his exams.

See what the GP and school say first of course but it never hurts to have a plan b should you need it.

"The Mix" young people's support organisation

To add to my previous post, this may or may not be what he wants right now, but perhaps a handy link for you to keep as a future suggestion if/ when he^ asks you?

OP you are your child's best support. The fact that he's talking to you and being open, seeking your support is brilliant. My DD (15) has had lots of troubles and I had to learn not to try fix everything for her but to be comfortable in my role as a good listener and sounding board. It can be very painful to hear all her woes but she usually feels much better after sharing. School remains a high stress environment and she can't wait to finish next summer.
I would, with your DS's agreement, talk to school about how he feels and to expect them to take a hard line on the bullying. They should have a counsellor if he wants this. As others have said out of school activities are good for boosting self confidence too - e.g Coding clubs with a friend. It's horrible being a teen.

Regarding medication, really, all advice is welcome. There's many different points of view and I'm happy to hear all of them. I trust DS's GP and I will take his advice and do plenty of research before letting DS take anything.

Firefries I'd love DS to study at home rather than go back to school and if it's the best thing for him then that's what we'll do. My worries would be a)accessing quality educational material because I would be out of my depth with anything other than maths b) his capacity to make connections with his peers c) his mental health. If he didn't go to school every day I don't know when he would ever leave the flat. I couldn't make him go out. Nevertheless, it's absolutely an option and if it was a choice between home-education and leaving things as they are, then we will home-educate.

I totally agree by the way about school not being all that. I really don't care about his academic performance all that much. His happiness and health is a far bigger issue than his anticipated GCSE results. Tonight I have worried myself sick that he won't be here to even attend those GCSE exams. Fuck school and their apparent blindness to DS's unhappiness and loneliness.

Thanks for the info on CAHMS. Good to know that we can access it through both the education system and the GP.

ZuZu thank you for the link. I shall follow it after hitting send. And thank you for the lovely sentiments in your post. I don't feel like a great mum at the moment. All night I've been remembering little things DS has said over the past few months and realise now that he was trying to initiate a conversation about bullying and I didn't pick up on it. I feel terrible about that now.

Hi again op, seems you can't sleep either! No wonder.

For us it was the G.P who referred us to CAMHS and it was quick due to the situation. I also got in touch with the education welfare officer for the school via the council ( each school has their own dedicated one though they may be responsible for several schools ) and told her everything and said I was keeping ds off for a few days.
The few days off really helped my ds to open up, to rest and we went to see the doctor. In our case, ds was off school for a total of 9 weeks as his school refused to admit they had a bullying problem despite screenshot evidence etc and would not entertain our wishes for a meeting and for ds to be moved classes.
He started a new school with 4 weeks to go of year 7 and is now a changed boy.

Do what is best for your ds, do not be swayed by threats of fines, i was told i could end up in prison for keeping ds home! When all i was doing was protecting him and trying to salvage what little self esteem he had left, it was definitely the right thing to do.

It will be ok, if the school is good they will support ds all they can, especially with him being of GCSE age, ask to see their pastoral care policy.

The main reason we chose his new school was they have a dedicated pastoral base which has staff there to help with absolutely anything at all a pupil needs, lost bus fare, forgot sports kit, friendship issues etc, they are amazing.

My ds also has Aspergers and I was so worried about him but 2 years down the line he is thriving, has a great group of friends and is so much more open with me.
I drummed it into him that he could come to me over absolutely anything, was rather mortified recently when he asked me what the average size penis is for his age
But am still glad he felt able to ask me when quite clearly I have no experience of owning one thought that would lighten the mood a bit but sorry for tmi

Just going to follow a few links and then I'll come back to respond to the messages that weren't here when I started typing my last post.

You sound like a wonderful mum. I would second the advice to be prepared to change schools/ have him at home for a while. He is so young and needs to know that he doesn't have to go through this torture. It is not character or resilience forming, imo to just keep going and enduring. Sometimes kids get labelled by nasty peers at school and a move enables them to just start again with a clean slate
He may react to having opened up to you by backing off and saying no, everything is fine. Just keep calmly saying ' I have decided that things need to change and you can choose between A and B'. Then he can tell his friends ' Mum has decided that I have to move', which might be more face saving.

I'm sorry you and your son are having such a tough time. My DS had a lot of mental issues around this age, and I lost a lot of sleep, too.

It seems so, so prevalent these days... the stress we put them under is just awful!

You are a brilliant mum, and are absolutely doing the right thing. I can't add much more in terms of where to go for help, but the hitting walls etc does point to a huge amount of frustration and anger he's obviously bottling up.

Two thoughts - both very different!

• I know that he's not sporty, but wonder if some kind of martial arts class might help. It's a way of controlling the aggression,x but with a chance to engage in combat. It could also do a lot of good to his General self esteem.

• mindfulness. It's a tough age to ask them to engage in this, but it really helped DS through a tough few months. I got him the Headspace app for his phone.

Obviously the GP or similar is the first port of call. These are more like possible add-ons to the solution.

I'm sure that with your support ( and the fact he talks to you) you'll make progress.

OP,

"I don't feel like a great mum at the moment. All night I've been remembering little things DS has said over the past few months and realise now that he was trying to initiate a conversation about bullying and I didn't pick up on it. I feel terrible about that now."

You've no reason to (though I totally understand why you might. Thinking along those lines is in itself further proof you're a caring parent!).

He himself may not have quite been ready to offload fully at those times, anyway, and merely 'testing the water' as to how his trusted people might react to difficult revelations.
I remember doing similar myself, mid-teens, just to reassure myself there wouldn't be either an overwhelming panic made, or, conversely, a minimising of my problems/ a criticising that it was me being melodramatic.

When, like your son, I felt secure enough my DM would definitely be on my side (and I realise now how very lucky I was to be guaranteed such a rock), I finally plucked up the courage, and we begun to tackle the issues together...it was all trial and error, though, and initially a horrible patch for my family.

Don't underestimate how important to him your steady, calming, support is being, even if any behaviour indicates otherwise (he's bound to feel awkward about sharing/ doubt himself/ feel frustrated and angry etc. when his confidence and self-esteem has been royally stamped all over by others...and unfortunately you'll probably be the safe one to take that out on.

Very unfair to have to deal with whilst you're so worried and upset yourself, but it will get easier.
Keep going; you're doing the very best you can so recently after having all this land in your lap.
Look after yourself as well as your DS. Use the parent support sites' professionals for advice, if you feel they'd help: they're totally non-judgemental and objective x

PS Don't feel obliged to reply to this post: you've got far more important stuff on your plate at the moment.

Op. I haven't read the entire thread but just wanted to make you aware of something.
Some colleges offer 14/16 provision for kids who are either home ed or not getting on at school.
They do some GCSEs and a vocational course alongside older kids.
I removed dd at easter after a year of extreme bullying and isolation and it's the best thing I've ever done.
She 15 had her taster day yesterday and is absolutely buzzing.
One ting dh and I have learned from this experience is that ten GCSEs are not the be all and end all of life.

I've just looked at familylives Zuzu and I will post a message on their forum later on today. The Mix looks really good but I get the impression you don't think I should mention it to him, but just have it as a resource in case things, I don't know, get worse or something. Have I misunderstood or is there something, I don't know, maybe harmful about it? I'm wondering if I'm just tired and have totally misinterpreted the tone of your post.

Hiding thanks for your enthusiasm. I was worried that I'd come across as wanting to equip him to fight the bullies off because I'm not. DS is gentle and kind and I could never imagine him hitting anyone and I wouldn't want him to. I'd much rather have a son that cries than a son that makes other people cry.

Having said all that he definitely won't go to a gym or club or group or anywhere that he thinks other people will be watching while he does anything sporty. He believes he is weak and would be convinced that he'd get laughed at. By the way, he isn't weak. Last year he helped me get some shopping because the car wasn't available and I couldn't do it on my own. He took the heavy stuff but halfway home he asked to swap because the bags were cutting into his hands. Within a minute or two he said 'oh give them back or we'll never get home' because I was more or less stationary and was unintentionally making faces and breathing hard/sweating profusely. Proud mum moment there! I told everyone about my hero DS who used to be afraid of the dark but was now taller than his dad and stronger than me. Bless him, I love him so much.

Full disclosure now. I didn't say this earlier on because I was worried that I'd be blamed for DS being bullied. I did home educate him for 3 years between the ages of 7 and 10. He was having a few big problems at school. One was bullying, another was he was clearly very unhappy and refusing to go to school and the other was that he simply wasn't learning anything. He could barely recognise his own name, let alone write it. I tried very hard to get help before I took him out but I was constantly told that he was catastrophising (sp) and he wasn't that much behind. The final straw was when his teacher finally agreed with me that he did seem depressed and that she often thought of him as 'a little victim'. I wrote the de-registration request that evening and he never went back to that school. He learnt to read within weeks of leaving and became an avid reader. His maths was always excellent and he continued to excel in that. We were so happy during those years but I sent him back in year 6 because I knew I wouldn't be able to give him a decent secondary education. We had moved in the meantime and I found a lovely primary for him to go to and he loved it there. Now I feel like it's all my fault. Either I've caused all his problems by taking him out of school too early in primary, or I've caused them by sending him back for secondary. At his first parents evening at secondary his teacher mentioned that he was having teething problems and I told her that he'd had some problems at primary and that I'd home educated for a few years. Her response was 'Ah, that explains it'. I got the impression that from now on all problems would be put down to him being from one of 'those' families. At his next parents evening she said, unprompted, that her initial impression of him had been completely wrong and that he'd settled down wonderfully, had made good friends and was doing well academically. I was so relieved to hear this. Since then there have been a few wobbly moments but on the whole he's seemed happy. He's made friends, he's done sleep overs, he goes to birthday celebrations. I really didn't see this coming.

WildatHeart yes, isn't it awful to have your child tell you how other people are being mean to them but not be able to intervene to the point where you sort it all out. Well done for managing that. Best wishes to your and DD. I hope that the end of school brings loads of new opportunities for her and that she finds her little niche where she can thrive.

Ha haaa Zoflora at average penis size for teenage boys. Christ, I'm not googling that, even for DS.

I think Firefries suggestion of moving school is a really good option too. A fresh start at school could help settle things down and make some of the other issues a bit easier to deal with.
I couldn't home educate at secondary level. I would be tearing my hair out.
Zuzu - thank you for that post, I had never heard of them.
Zoflora - giggling madly at your son's question. Did you tell him?

Op I am happy to advise you an out about early college placements if you need me to but I found the process dead easy.

OP,

Oh, God, no...definitely not implying that!
Only that you're his mum and know his personality best, and I (as a MN stranger!) wouldn't presume to think he'd necessarily appreciate it...e.g. he might be a teen who takes exception to his parents/ teachers making decisions for him.

Honestly, you're doing great. Trust your instincts

^ Especially doing great on zero sleep!

Quick message now.

I just want to say a heartfelt thank you to all of you for keeping me company and talking things through with me throughout the night. My posts have been long, waffled and I've drip-fed my way through this thread. You've all been so kind and non-judgemental and I'm so grateful.

I'm now going to phone the school. I'll have to leave a message because that is their system, but I will say that DS is absent for personal reasons and that I need someone from pastoral care (??) to call me back to discuss things.

Then I'm going to get some sleep.

I'll be back later to update and read through the last few messages on here. I'm so tired now that I won't make any sense if I try to respond to them.

I'm struggling to see how nobody noticed this on his field trip as well. Without making excuses for anyone, did anyone try to coax him back into the group.
I teach this year group and some can be vicious. Walking through a town centre yesterday, a group of teenagers around this age, screamed "you're bald, cut your hair off" to a girl in another group of school kids. I don't believe in making lots of excuses when they're this nasty.
Have you looked at apprenticeships if uni isn't the best option for your son? There are some really good gaming/ digital tech ones and your son could make like minded friends through this. I woulld definitely report the students who were throwing bread as well and bring it up in school.