OMG the testosterone in here is stifling!

[MrsMuddlePluck]

I have 3 DSs - 19, 18, 14 and an ADHD DH. They are constantly at each others' throats and don't seem to be capable of exchanging words without point-scoring, anger, vicious language and door slamming.

DH barks orders from his armchair and expects them to come running. When they do, they are already preparing for the next fight.

Mealtimes usually consist of fighting and bickering, and me sitting with my head in my hands, wondering where the hell I went wrong.

When will it end? Please tell me it does!

I'm not surprised they're already planning an argument if your husband expects them to be at his beck and call!

Is the problem mainly your DH?

Ordering kids about (especially of that age!) Is kind of archaic parenting

Really, shouting instructions and commands from the armchair?! Wtf

If you treat teens as grown ups,( ie you can disagree with them all day long, but no need to raise your voice) they will behave like grown ups

What is he shouting at them? What sets him off?

Poor you to live in a shouty environment, it is so stressful!

Does your husband find it difficult now the older two are actually adults who he can't control anymore?

I have 4 DS, oldest is 14 and there are clouds of testosterone around here at times...

However - there in no needs for constant shouting. It sound like your DH needs to raise his game and model the behaviour he would like to see in his sons. It is over to him, not for you to fix tbh.
I'd be very tempted to decamp to the local Travelodge for a night or 2 and leave them to it, advising them that you will be back when they have found a way to live peacefully with each other.

What do the oldest 2 do? Are they in education ? I'd be telling them that the atmosphere has to improve or they'll have to leave, they're not teens they're adults post 18 !

Does your husband give orders to you from the armchair too?
And if you're particularly close to your sons does that not have an effect? My brother couldn't stand his dad ordering my mum about and shouting at her and also couldn't stand it being done to him by extension.

I think your husband is the root of the problem, although as adults your sons could possibly find a better way to react to him. Possibly by telling him calmly they won't do his bidding with that attitude. A favour is one thing, ordering like a dick are a completely different thing.

Drybonesthatdream - oh, yes! he shouts orders from his armchair all the time. After all he works very hard [he does, but...] and is so very tired when he comes home. He and the boys just can't seem to just talk to each other.

Favourite habit is to wait until we are dishing up dinner to tackle one of them about some misdemeanour or other, instead of waiting until after we've eaten, so the atmosphere round the table is tense at best. I do ask him to leave things until after we've eaten but he just ignores me and carries on regardless.

I think you need a family meeting to discuss your feelings, and to set some ground rules for everyone, Supernanny Style.

Praise them when they behave well.
Refuse to feed them if they are fighting and bickering.

Sorry for you OP. My DH will occasionally get all heavy handed. It took me years to realise he is modelling his own controlling father, who used to make them all sit round the table and "confess" all the things they had done wrong during the week.

Jeez your DH sounds like a wanker. No wonder the teens can't respect him.

He needs to change the way he talks to you all. Working hard and being tired do not justify his behaviour.

I agree with Mamia. That doesn't justify it at all.

If he wants to discuss some behaviour he doesn't like he should do it calmly rather than thinking he's some sort of lazy sergeant major barking at his recruits.

My general rule of thumb is if you wouldn't speak to someone you didn't know like that, or someone you work with like that, don't speak to you family like that.