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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

14 yrs DS stealing ciggies

15 replies

NC4Now · 30/05/2017 21:39

I'm an ex smoker, gave up when pregnant. I've had the odd one on a night out over the years, but after a long time of struggling with things, over-eating and drinking too much, I've relapsed and lost two stone
DS1 behaviour is a long way off the mark. School have just referred him to the ed psych.
I've tried to keep my smoking secret from him but my cigarettes keep going missing.
I do intend to give up at some point, but it will be hard, and he shouldn't be taking anything from my handbag.
I'm stuck in a tight spot, because if I confess he'll say it's hypocritical of me to have a problem with him smoking. I'm always catching him out, grounding him etc but it's more the fact he's been in my bag, or my bedroom drawer.
When I ask him where he got ciggies from he'll say 'I found one at the park earlier'.
Aside from quitting smoking myself, which is the obvious and right thing to do, any idea how to handle this??

OP posts:

Iluvthe80s · 30/05/2017 22:06

You're an adult and entitled to smoke should you chose to. He is a child. Hide your fags somewhere where he cannot find them.

Iamastonished · 30/05/2017 22:20

"I've tried to keep my smoking secret from him"

I think you are being naive to assume that people don't know that you are smoking again. As a non smoker I can detect the slightest hint of cigarette smoke/fag ash breath.

Not what you want to hear, but if you don't want him stealing your fags don't have any in the house.

RelentlesslyPositive · 30/05/2017 22:22

Have a frank talk to him about the health risks of smoking and give up together?

I say this as a smoker. ...

TeardropExplodes · 30/05/2017 22:27

I realise I am setting a terrible example by falling back into old habits. 15 years FFS...
I don't doubt he knows I'm smoking again, but the point is he shouldn't be taking anything from my handbag/bedroom drawers. He shouldn't be in there.

TeardropExplodes · 30/05/2017 22:33

Oops, NC fail. Oh well.

Yes, I like that idea Relentless. I just don't feel ready to give up at the moment, and with that mindset, I'm destined to fail. I've said September to myself, to psyche myself up for it.

We've had serious talks about the health risks, not least that once you've been addicted, it is always there to trip you up.

JustDanceAddict · 31/05/2017 08:11

He shouldn't, but he is, so stop smoking.

TeardropExplodes · 31/05/2017 08:27

And if it was money he was taking from my bag? Stop having money?

StephanieAteMyLunch · 31/05/2017 13:39

Money won't kill you though, it's what you do with it that might kill you - drugs/alcohol/smoking.

My Mum always had this talk with us, do as I say not as I do as she puffed away on another cigarette.

Neither of my sisters smoked and neither did I.

But we held our Mum's hand whilst she underwent chemotherapy for lung cancer. Wheeled her outside the cancer hospital so she could smoke - to be fair she was terminal and they were just trying to buy her time with the chemo.

We also held her hand as she died at the age of 62 because she never really gave up.

Why don't you try vaping or any other of the cessation devices/courses available to you?

I know it this is harsh but when you have seen your own Mum double catheterised, with no hair left, and her dignity all gone, maybe you would think about what your own child may go through.

There are plenty of chemotherapy videos on YouTube to show you how horrific chemo is and how time consuming.

TeardropExplodes · 31/05/2017 14:06

I understand all that Stephanie, I really do, and I'm sorry you went through that.
i have seen the effects of chemo and it's not nice.
That's why I've set myself a deadline of September to quit. I managed for 15 years FGS.
I know once the summer's over and we're not sitting outside so much it will be easier. All my friends smoke, and I really don't want to fail, so I'm giving myself the best chance doing it that way.
I did Dry September last year and started with a personal trainer - I'm back to a healthy weight and have permanently changed my drinking habits so far, so I'm hopeful I can knock this on the head too.
DS knows I smoked before I had him and I've told him so many times how I wish I'd never started, how it starts to own you, demands your money, ruins your health, looks etc.
I've messed up these last few months. I really have. Things have got on top of me and I think by not turning to food or drink I've ended up back on the fags. And setting a terrible example to DS, who obviously knows.
He still shouldn't be stealing from me though.
What do I do? Do I come clean so as to confront him, or do I accept his story that he found a cig, or his mate gave him one or whatever this time?

Iamastonished · 31/05/2017 19:08

"And if it was money he was taking from my bag? Stop having money?"

Hide is elsewhere. Simple.

StephanieAteMyLunch I can identify with your post, except in my case it was emphysema with my mum. The issue with smoking isn't the fact that it shortens your life , but it makes your quality of life over what can be several years just unbearable.

"All my friends smoke"

How old are they? I'm 58 and none of my friends smoke. They either never started or had the common sense to give up.

hiddenmnetter · 31/05/2017 19:16

Tell him not to steal from your handbag? Explain that you don't think he should smoke and that you don't want to smoke but are struggling to give it up, however that is besides the point: your handbag is not to be rifled through and he shouldn't steal from you.

I would have thought the more important point is the theft rather than him smoking...

TeardropExplodes · 31/05/2017 22:21

I think that's probably a very measured approach @hiddenmnetter. Yes, it's the stealing that upsets me more, although of course I don't want him to smoke.

@Iamastonished we're in our 40s. 90s kids. Everyone smoked as teens, gave up when pregnant, then seem to have started up again. I thought I'd cracked it, but apparently not 😕

SomeOtherFuckers · 31/05/2017 23:34

Tell him that there is a difference because smoking is an addiction. You were an idiot and became addicted and are trying to quit but it's difficult. He does not have an addiction and is being an idiot and it's also illegal.

TeardropExplodes · 01/06/2017 08:56

I've told him all that, said I regret ever starting etc. He's more interested in looking cool around his mates (which I've told him is uncool in itself).

I need to make quitting a priority really. He'll get them elsewhere, but it'll be harder for him if there aren't any in the house.

SomeOtherFuckers · 01/06/2017 15:11

Tell him it's cool until you leave HS and then you're just the mate who always stinks of fags and loses everyone on a night out because they have to go out for a fag ( trust me it is not cool at uni- the judgement is real)

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