15 year old daughter not coming home

[nervesshredded]

Name changer

As the title says I'm having lots of trouble with my 15 year old. Anytime she's in trouble or she just feels like it - she doesn't come home.

She should have been home at 2 today to revise (stopped at a friends last night) she wanted to stay out later - I said no as she has a lot of school work and bedroom is a shit tip. She hasn't come home. I know she's with her friends and is taking the piss.

She has done this 5 times now, twice staying out all night with dodgy characters. I will have to call the police which means wasting their time again.

Her attitude when she doesn't get her own way is awful. I've really had enough and the stress is putting a strain on the whole family.

We haven't had one weekend recently where she hasn't cause problems.

She is a clever, bright girl who is well loved and has a nice comfortable home. I love her obviously but I don't like her very much at the moment. I've really had enough of this constant trouble and tension in the house.

I just needed to get this off my chest.

Try not yo worry to much. They are probably with friends are they supposed yo be at school today? Maybe they will turn up there. Have you checked their social media accounts? I was,quite good at hacking my DD facebook and messenger and tracking her down. Also school might be able to locate them through other friends that in school worth a go

Excuse spelling on phone without my glasses. Hope you find her soon

Shredded nerves I couldn't read this and not post. Sending you big hugs. you poor thing. I agree with post above. Maybe time for tough love? When she does (finally) come home then try not to overreact (hard I know) show her you love her. Cuddles- glad she is safe. Then lay down some rules? Remove all privileges/ phone until she proves she deserves them. You've probably tried that already, but good luck! What about putting Find My Friends on her phone ( a tracker app thing).

I had an early help worker with Dd and it did change things slightly ! Dd listened more as wasn't just me moaning he explained the risks she was taking and what she needed to do to eliminate risks. Nothing major she still didn't do as I asked but things like texting by 10 to give an address of where she was staying and parents number incase of emergencies.

I have done all the removing privileges etc then we have a spate of good behaviour then this again.
I have asked her if there is anything going on as have school, Barnados etc and she just says no, she just wanted to stay out and have fun. She thinks I should let her do whatever she wants. Not happening.

My mum thinks just ignore her when she comes back. Lay down the law and then disengage. It's so difficult though to hold my tongue.

This is causing problems throughout the whole family. I have a slightly younger DD who is now anxious and stressed, DP and I are sniping at each other and I am so tense and worried I know I'm a nightmare.
DP isn't her dad but he's a fantastic stepdad who loves abs treats the girls as his own. Her own dad is useless and unsupportive.

I know I'm rambling but I'm literally wandering round the house alternately crying and fuming. I'm shattered.

How useless is her DF? Does she see him regularly & does he actively take an interest in her life?

I was like this as a teen, no so much the staying out all night but the taking massive risks. Looking back it was sometimes a test for my father, to see if he gave a shit.

Other times it was just because I was a teen.

She rarely sees him and he takes next to no interest in her life. DD2 sees him and has a better relationship although she is starting to question his actions. We split up over 10 years ago, I have brought the girls up alone until 4 years ago.

I don't think she would be too bothered if her dad bollocked her or said anything. He's not a parent to her. He hasn't rang me or tried to help in any way apart from the first time she did this. He just says "ok".

She has just text me that she's ok. So that's something.

Good that she's ok

I really feel for you OP.

I have had lesser issues with my older teen and I know how stressful it is. The conclusion I have had to come to is there is only so much you can do, because if you push too hard they can just walk out and then where would they be?

At times it is like watching a car crash in slow motion, or seeing DD walking right up next to a crumbling cliff edge.

My advice for what it's worth is keep saying you love her, and say the effect it is having on you and the rest of the family, but don't fight to the extent it drags you under too.
We also found some 'parenting counselling' helped us, but it wasn't cheap.

Knowing she's ok must be a huge weight off OP, I've been where you are more than once and it's horrific. No advice just a handhold x

Yes I'm so glad she's ok. Her friend has text her mum saying they will be home later. Cheeky madams taking their time over it. I've told the police so they know she's safe.

However I am furious that she's put us all through this again. I honestly have had enough.

Hi OP.

I was your daughter.
There honestly wasn't anything going on, I wasn't in a bad place, I wasn't unhappy. Came from a healthy, happy home.
I wasn't exploited, or groomed, or slept with anyone I didn't want to.

I went missing for weeks at a time, stayed out all night, snuck out of the house when grounded to go to parties etc etc.

I'm not even sure why I was like it tbh, I think I just wanted to be a grown up, and at the time I saw that as doing what I wanted when I wanted.

And obviously, knowing I was gonna get in the shit anyway, I would think "well I'll be in the shit anyway, may as well go that rave/ crash at mates/ stay out all night"

Not sure if you want to hear this, but I was really into raves and drugs and sex, and just wanted to do all that, all the time.
It wasn't because I was unhappy......I just really liked the lifestyle!

My DM is a social worker, she is, and was, brilliant and lovely, but like you was at the end of her tether.

It's not a reflection on you or your parenting, trust me on this.

And I will be 100% honest, I never really stopped, just got older, left home at 18, and carried on living that sort of lifestyle for a very long time.

However I got good GCSE results, got, and kept, some very good jobs, and am now a (mainly) sensible SAHM!

I don't have any answers, but I hope I can reassure you that it's not always because the kid is acting out because of deeper issues, some people just like living like that.

Good luck OP

I know it's hard, but she will get there in the end!

Yeah I hear you OP, desperate to know they're safe and fearing the worst and swinging from that to absolute rage that it's a choice they've made. DSD has done it I don't know how many times, because she knows we'll all drop everything every time because we need her safe.

I also was like your dd, and like the previous poster there really wasn't a reason to it other than I wanted to do these things

I think she just wants to do it. I was 15 once I know what it's like. However she's not the only person in this family and she can't treat us like this.

To avoid all this stress I will basically have to let her do what she wants. Not happening.

She can't come and go as she pleases at 15 years old. I can't sit up worrying through the night and having constant phone calls from police, other agencies, school through my working day.

I'm not being an arsehole btw I'm just stressed out.

You're not being an arsehole at all OP, it's horrific being put through the wringer on the whim of a teenager. You do what you need to do, its none of anyone else's business!

No you are definitely not an arsehole.

I look back now and feel utterly horrified at the shit I put my Mum and siblings through.

I don't know how she did it, or coped, really!

I think 15 yr olds are inherently selfish, and not very empathetic, to her it will just be you being a nag/annoying etc etc.

She hasn't worked out yet that it's utterly stressful and terrifying trying to deal with her.

I wish I could tell you there was some magic parenting skill that made me stop, but even if grounded I'd sneak out, and in my day there was no mobile or laptop to take away, so the punishments never felt as bad as the partying IYSWIM?

Keep doing what you are doing, it is the right thing, you are not a bad parent, and you should keep grounding and confiscating devices.

Hope she's home now you are 100% not being an arsehole. I've been there with Dd and it turned me into a nervous wreck there is no peace as you dread the weekend whilst your meant to be relaxing you have sleepless nights of panic. It's shit I got to a point I loved Dd but felt my entire life was being turned upside down by her selfish behaviour and found it hard to move forward.

She's home, she's safe and not harmed in any way. Same old excuses.

I have read the riot act and all privileges gone. Don't want to speak to her really. Made sure she ate and had a hot bath of course.

Thanks for the support and shared experiences, it really helps.

Thanks for sharing all this with us nervesshredded and I am pleased she is home.
No advice really but you have made me reflect on my own children and I amso grateful my 18 year old will text me at 1am just to say "I will be home late but I am OK so no need to worry".

On a different note, do you think she needs contraception and a check over for STD's ?

Be kind to yourself.

I'm glad she's safe, and home at last. I hope you managed to get some rest last night OP.

Glad she's home safely!

Oh my word how worrying for you. Are you on face book? Maybe get her face circulated on that? I have seen a lot of missing children/adults on face book that have been found once their pictures were shared.
she may also think twice to keep putting you guys through this if she sees her picture all over face book.

I guess having a chat with her about putting find my phone on her phone so you know where she is all the time tell her you have no choice. I couldn't imagine it though. I hope this all smooths out for you asap. When she does come home i would check over her phone and see if she talking seeing anyone she shouldn't be, also check over her computer. All the very best to you.

Sorry op that teaches me to see messages before I post.

Glad she's home and ok.
I would let her know you were very close sharing all over face book. She may be mortified at that I know my teen would! All the best for you guys xx