15 year old daughter not coming home

[nervesshredded]

Name changer

As the title says I'm having lots of trouble with my 15 year old. Anytime she's in trouble or she just feels like it - she doesn't come home.

She should have been home at 2 today to revise (stopped at a friends last night) she wanted to stay out later - I said no as she has a lot of school work and bedroom is a shit tip. She hasn't come home. I know she's with her friends and is taking the piss.

She has done this 5 times now, twice staying out all night with dodgy characters. I will have to call the police which means wasting their time again.

Her attitude when she doesn't get her own way is awful. I've really had enough and the stress is putting a strain on the whole family.

We haven't had one weekend recently where she hasn't cause problems.

She is a clever, bright girl who is well loved and has a nice comfortable home. I love her obviously but I don't like her very much at the moment. I've really had enough of this constant trouble and tension in the house.

I just needed to get this off my chest.

[fedupstressedout]

Hi original OP here, I CBA to name change back.

Had to come here to rant. My DD seemed to calm down for a bit and all started to return to normal but now she's gone off the rails.

In the last 2 months she's gone awol a further 7/8 times. She's been missing since Friday and although she's text me that she's ok, I am beside myself.

In the last 6/7 weeks she's even been detained for fucking shoplifting and luckily (for her) got a restorative justice course instead of a charge as she's not been in trouble before. She's been missing from home for 24 hours at a time, played truant, just walked out of school, is rude and incredibly disrespectful, to me especially.

She's got in with some absolute little shits who the police have warned me to keep her away from and never to let them in the house. Short of me giving up work and sitting in the house with her I don't really know what I can do.

We take her to school but she just walks out if she wants, we arrange to collect her but she leaves with the other kids and bolts. School are v supportive but they can't restrain her to keep her there once the bell goes.

I feel as though I have lost her. She could be taking drugs but as she's gone for 24+ hours so when she waltzes back home she looks and sounds normal. She doesn't even look like herself, she looks like none cares about her IYSWIM?

At my wits end and I can't see how much more I can put up with. On sleeping tablets and anxiety tablets as in struggling to cope. Have a younger teen, partner and a full time job to think about as well

I know she will come home when she's ready and all that but this is destroying our family life

[Rainbowqueeen]

I have no advice but for you

It must be so hard. Please look after yourself

[Izzy142]

Hi fedupstressedout, I'm in exactly the same position as yourself with my 16 year old son. The last year has been an absolute nightmare for myself and my older son and the entire family circle. He has been 'missing' for days at a time, no contact to say he's safe. I've to message all his friends to find out where he is, most lie to me saying they don't know but clearly do. I've spent nights trawling the streets in my local area looking for him, on the occasions that I've managed to track him down he just runs off! He is a very bright boy but has done nothing for his exams(he is in the middle of GCSEs), in fact his first exam a couple of weeks ago he didn't come home until 1am in the morning the night before. He's been in trouble with the police, has stolen from his grandparents and is taking drugs. I have tried everything, taking clothes and shoes so he can't get out! Phoning the police, he couldn't care less and is afraid of no one. We had a written contract about his behaviour, where he was rewarded for coming in on time but whenever it didn't suit he just stayed out. Currently, he has been out from last night and I'm waiting on his return, worried sick. He has no phone as it was taken off him last week for stealing, he hasn't received a penny from me in months. I'm at my wits end and can only pray that he comes out of this. His older brother can't stand him and wants nothing to do with him, I'm trying my best to keep a level head with him and show that I'm here for him but his behaviour makes all of this extremely difficult. He consumes all of my time and energy and I feel like every other part of my life is unravelling, work and family, I've no answers but just continue the struggle!

[Iamastonished]

TheFlyingFauxPas that was a spectacularly unhelpful answer and not what the OP needs right now. I take it that you don’t have a teenage daughter that causes endless worry?

“We take her to school but she just walks out if she wants”

I’m surprised that that is possible. You can’t just walk out at DD’s school without being signed out. They have pretty good security there. It is designed to stop people getting in as well as kids going AWOL.

Where is she getting the money from to fund her lifestyle? Can you confiscate her phone and get a cheap unsmart phone just for texting and phone calls? Have social services got involved?

[fedupstressedout]

Hi thanks for replies.

Izzy I'm sorry for you. It's a nightmare isn't it. You must be worried sick.

The police say this is a huge problem now, young people just going off the rails like this and nothing seems to bother them. A local PCSO phoned me yesterday and is looking for some work experience and other activities for her to try and pull her away from this group but I can't see it working.

I just don't know what to do with her. I've done the contract too but she's only interested in me honouring my part, she doesn't give a damn about hers.

Ive removed everything from her room so she has no TV, Xbox etc all gone. I haven't taken the phone as she will text me (when she can be bothered) to say she's ok. She isn't stealing money but she takes anything of mine or her sisters that she sees fit. Yet she will go mad about her 'privacy' etc if I go in her room.

My relationship with DP is on the rocks TBH. I'm constantly on edge and I feel like I have to deal with everything and everyone, it's all on me. Do you know what I mean?

[fedupstressedout]

Iamastonished I didn't think it was possible either. I take her in the main doors and if I'm lucky a member of staff is about to take her to form. If not, on a couple of occasions she has managed to get out.

When she played truant school put her in isolation the next day so she was taken from me at reception and with a teacher until the end of the day. So that's great as she can't just disappear. However school are stretched, as there are loads of kids with differing issues/needs etc so I can't (and don't) expect her to have this everyday.

She doesn't have any money from me. When I have its small amounts so she doesn't have the means to travel etc. I last gave her a couple of quid on Tuesday and she's gone awol twice since then.

The kids she's with have parents who let anyone stop there and they seem to feed them or give them cash. Police have been to the addresses as have I, but they don't answer or just say they don't know where their own kids are and they're not worried.







I

[Florene]

Do you have any relatives she could go and stay with for a while, some distance away? I appreciate she has school but I don't think this is the main priority at the moment. Can you swap her phone for a basic, text/call only brick?

[fedupstressedout]

No I don't. She decided in a fit of spite to go and live with her dad a couple of weeks ago and lasted a week before she came back. They had a huge row and she swore to me she'd never do this again, 2 days later off she went.

There's been no arguments or anything to trigger it, she just wants to be with these friends. And as they can do what they like, she does too. They don't go to her school, some of them don't even attend school. Which says it all.

Her phone is restricted to just calls and texts. She's not on social media on that but she could well be via her friends devices.

Until she either falls out with this group or comes to her senses, I can't see a change. I don't recognise her anymore she's so selfish, she knows the stress she's causing and that this is affecting her education etc. She doesn't give a damn.

[Izzy142]

I feel exactly the same, family and friends are supportive to a point but have lives and problems of their own to deal with. Intentions and advice always come from a good place but it's difficult for others to understand that these kids are really uncontrollable. I read and hear all the time about teens going off the rails and the first question asked is 'where are the parents?' I probably thought like that myself until my Ds came along! I'm here, as you are with your own daughter, 24/7 doing my very best to get him through this despite the hate and contempt he shows for me.
I can understand how your relationship with your partner is difficult, I don't have a partner but I'm constantly on edge like yourself and snap at my older son(who is an absolute gem)and friends/family. I'm losing relationships with others because I'm always in a stressed, low mood with worry and have little patience. I rarely go out and have no motivation for anything as this situation is sucking any joy for life out of me.
I feel like I've failed as a mother and have no idea how to fix things. The son who made me laugh everyday and wanted to cuddle up beside me on the sofa has gone, I don't know the person he has become but I certainly don't like him!

[SuperFlyHigh]

I was like this along with other teens of a similar age when I was younger. Yes, I knew full well the older men I hung around with were petty criminals etc but I just didn't care! I just went off (in days of no mobile phones!) and didn't tell my mum where I was etc.

What was interesting was one day I was at East Street market with a friend and for some reason i was in a pub and decided to (or my friend convinced me) to phone my mum from a payphone and tell her where I was and when I'd likely to be back. As I was with this friend whom my mum didn't sort of approve I thought I'd get in trouble but I didn't and my mum was pleased I'd rung her.

So as a PP said, simple rules like for your DD to ring and say where she is by 10pm etc. they could make all the difference.

[Cocolepew]

This happened to a woman I knew through other friends. Nothing worked to keep her DD on track. She was at school with my DD and just used to walk out all the time.
She went missing for days on end.
Eventually, because of the impact on her younger children, the mum got her taken into care.
I don't know much about her now except she has 2 children and is only 19.
for you.
I have a 15 year old who had a bit of a wobbly bit has stopped before it got out of control.

[fedupstressedout]

Izzy I totally identify with you. I don't have a life anymore. I go to work, run the home, deal with all this, stay at home all weekend apart from essential trips, and then back to work. I can't even switch off at work as obviously lots of phone calls from school etc.

I feel like a crap mum too. But really I shouldn't and nor should you. I know I've taught her right from wrong and up to her being 13 she was a good kid. If we didn't care and just left them to it, that's failing.

It's really draining isn't. I am ready to break at this point. I watched Three Girls drama recently and at the back of my mind I am terrified that she will
Fall prey to some predatory group.

[YoloSwaggins]

My auntie used to be like this.

I know it is counter-intuitive, but you need to be more liberal and let her have freedom - then she won't go off the rails. I think making a 15 year old come home to revise is a bit much.

My parents let me do whatever I wanted and never checked schoolwork. Because there were no "rules", I respected them and never stayed out past 11, and revised.

The more you try and control her, the more out of control she will be. Don't give her anything to rebel against.

[fedupstressedout]

I don't think expecting my daughter to revise for exams is controlling. She's been out with friends and slept at a friends the night before.

Come and walk in my shoes and see how you feel.

[Izzy142]

I think it has to be said that my own ds, and your dd appears to be the same, can manipulate any situation for their own gain. I try to be 20 steps ahead of him, thinking of all scenarios and outcomes of my/his actions. He does things that I can never predict or prevent, when I think of some of the things he's done I still can't explain how he managed it without my knowing. I keep track of him as best I can but again the attraction for being out with his 'mates' is too much of a pull for him. He has to complete a diversionary youth course, which can't come soon enough but I don't hold out much hope that this will help!

[YoloSwaggins]

Expecting isn't, but setting a curfew so she can revise isn't enforcable, unfortunately. Kids either revise or don't, you can't make them.

She will come back to you - just let her have the "mad" phase. My grandma was very strict so my auntie went out drinking, did drugs, slept around, got piercing and chopped all her hair off and my grandma was in despair. Suddenly, she turned 17, decided she wanted to be a doctor - now she is an eye surgeon with a baby.

It's just a phase and there's not much you can do about it apart from be there for her. Banning her phone and calling police will only make her more mad and determined to break the rules.

[Izzy142]

'More liberal'
I am actually at the point where I am in no way expecting any revising to go on much less anything else. The only boundaries he has are to be home at 12am, which he rarely complies with and that he goes to his exams, which are also a nightmare to get him to. He has no phone and gets no money, he still manages to stay out all night and come home the next day looking horrendous. I've been in touch with other parents but ds behaviour seems to be the worst. I have given up any hopes or expectations I might have had for his future, he is making choices now that I cannot understand but have to deal with the consequences.

[YoloSwaggins]

It's really hard

I don't think there's much you can do at that age - but usually, by 17/18 they get a grip and get their life back on track.

Usually the realisation that your mates will be off to uni/jobs, and if you fail A-levels you'll be stuck at home with your parents for at least a year, is a kick up the ass.

[Izzy142]

Fedupstressedout thank you for your kind words, you are right giving up is failing. Though I feel as though I'm at the point of that many times, I just have to keep reminding myself that the real ds is in there somewhere and will hopefully come to his senses. Life is a chore for me, I feel exactly the same. Work/home all has been effected, I feel like I'm not on top of anything and constantly waiting for a phone call from school/police. I hope your situation eases soon and we both get some peace but it's good to know there are others going through the same and understand what it's like. I watched the programme myself, thinking exactly the same thing, in fact I began to wonder was he already caught up in something like this!

[fedupstressedout]

Don't explain yourself Izzy. You're doing your best as am I.

When the police are telling me about the kids she's with and warning me about them and their families then I will carry on worrying. It's not normal for a 15 year old to stay away from home and no one know where she is for two days. For fucks sake!

[Iamastonished]

"I think making a 15 year old come home to revise is a bit much."

I don't.

"My parents let me do whatever I wanted and never checked schoolwork. Because there were no "rules", I respected them and never stayed out past 11, and revised."

That's you. I don't think the OP's daughter will, from what she has described so far.

OP I really feel for you.

[UniversallyUnchallenged]

I often wonder, are there any people out there who wish their parents hadn't worried about them, tried to teach them to think about others, encouraged them to do their best (e.g revision etc)? Some responses on threads like this make me look at things differently- I'm not a particularly relaxed parent (and do really wish I could be a bit less stressed by things).

[YoloSwaggins]

I often wonder, are there any people out there who wish their parents hadn't worried about them, tried to teach them to think about others, encouraged them to do their best (e.g revision etc)?

I don't know - I don't have experience of this. My parents gave me a lot of freedom, but I was very sensible and academic so I never gave them a reason not to trust me. So it's kind of circular.

Yeah, I went out drinking by the river with my mates age 15 onwards but I had about 2 WKDs and was home by 12, so they never really worried. Same with revision - I was lazy and spent a lot of time online, but pulled my finger out when it got close to the deadline.

[UniversallyUnchallenged]

Thanks yolo for your reply (however I think you're like me)! It's more people who had no/less boundaries but didn't have self regulation. Are they happy with how things turned out for them? Have they always been ok, or did they 'make it' themselves?

Guess reading 'lord of the flies' when I was young had an effect that I think things breakdown without 'rules' - but others opinions and experiences are interesting

OP and others, I hope you and your kids are ok and converge back together

[roarityroar]

When I was 15 I was like this. Drugs, boys, desperate for freedom, not coming home.

My father dealt with it by converting the attic, sound proofing it, so I had my own floor. He then sat me down and said you can invite anyone round (he used to count the pairs of shoes by the door to have any idea how many people were there), you can have your freedom, but if you're in trouble tell me, don't lie to me and respect yourself.

He knew I was safe under his roof. I had the freedom I needed and friends over often. At 29 I'm now having lunch with him having achieved two Masters degrees and with a fantastic career.

Had he not done this, things would have turned out very differently.