15 year old daughter not coming home

[nervesshredded]

Name changer

As the title says I'm having lots of trouble with my 15 year old. Anytime she's in trouble or she just feels like it - she doesn't come home.

She should have been home at 2 today to revise (stopped at a friends last night) she wanted to stay out later - I said no as she has a lot of school work and bedroom is a shit tip. She hasn't come home. I know she's with her friends and is taking the piss.

She has done this 5 times now, twice staying out all night with dodgy characters. I will have to call the police which means wasting their time again.

Her attitude when she doesn't get her own way is awful. I've really had enough and the stress is putting a strain on the whole family.

We haven't had one weekend recently where she hasn't cause problems.

She is a clever, bright girl who is well loved and has a nice comfortable home. I love her obviously but I don't like her very much at the moment. I've really had enough of this constant trouble and tension in the house.

I just needed to get this off my chest.

[roarityroar]

Sorry should've said - he tried the rules and control approach. It backfired miserably so he changed tactic.

Some kids don't take well to rules and constraint. 15 isn't that young.

[fedupstressedout]

Well she's still not home. Sadly I'm not surprised.

I don't think she's doing this because I'm too strict. Up to this kicking off she was allowed out with her mates, to parties (picked up by x time) and other normal teenage stuff.
She knows this, it isn't about her curfew, it's because the kids she's with don't have one, no one cares where they are - so she wants that too.

I can't and won't just say oh ok, see you in two days DD. These kids are known to police as are their families for Anti Social behaviour, shoplifting, one of them assaulted another girl. I know this because DD has told me herself and the police have told me to try and get my daughter away from these kids and families. Again and again.

If I leave her to it and she's a drug addict with 2 kids in 5 years with no qualifications, because I couldn't be arsed, and she deserves her freedom, that's on me.

I am always there for her. I might not be happy about what she's doing but I'm her mum. Unless you've been in my position then you have no idea how it feels. I want the best for my daughter and for her to be safe and happy.

[YoloSwaggins]

Sorry. I don't know what to say.

Just tell her you love her and that you're there for her when she wants to come back.

She's clearly not like those people she hangs out with, as she's from a good family - she just wants to be "cool" and thinks they're exciting. She will realise in time.

[OrlandaFuriosa]

Fed up and Izzy, you sound great.

I know some people have said the opposite to the following and it obv depends on the individual but a few years ago the research into teenage attitudes was that they appreciated parental restrictions being there, even if flouted: those who didn't have them took it as a sign their parents didn't care.

Look after yourselves if you can, just a little, a relaxing bath, ten minutes to yourself.

[Izzy142]

My ds returned there around 1pm, usual story, he was staying in x house and as he's no phone couldn't contact me, therefore my fault as I have his phone he couldn't get in touch. Even though this 'friend' could've messaged me as I've been in touch with him many times before. No remorse for putting me through yet another sleepless night. I totally agree with you fedupstressedout, just letting these kids get on with it and not bothering where they are is a useless tactic. I dread to think how much worse he'd be now if I hadn't bothered! I have already raised a teenage boy so know it's not always easy and they will experiment and want to have fun (which I never stopped him from doing as long as it was within reason). He did all the usual teenage stuff, pushed boundaries at times of course, and believe me I was not overly strict but he did not take things to the extreme where he was destroying his own life and everyone around him. This situation with my 2nd ds is taking it to another level!

[exWifebeginsat40]

just keep telling her you love her and it's her behaviour you don't like.

by 14 i was an alcoholic, doing drugs and sleeping with older men. nobody cared. so, i did more and more risky things and put myself in danger without any fear of consequence.

but, my home life was a terrifying mess. i wanted to escape so badly, and left just after my 17th birthday.

stuff around her dad might be playing a bigger part in this than she's letting on. her only lasting a week there might be crushing for her. add in the adrenaline of risky behaviours and the perceived invincibility of being 15 and she may be feeling out of control but unwilling to look as her 'freedom'.

it must be so draining, and you must be exhausted. just, love love love
her. i'm sorry your family is going through this.

my life hasn't gone very well, but that is due to the awful start i had. somebody caring about me might have made a difference. you sound like a very loving, involved parent who is at the end of her tether... i hope all this calms down soon.

[notquiteruralbliss]

One of mine was a bit like that. Still managed v good A levels and a masters degree. There's not a lot you can do other than to ask her to let you know if she's not going to be home and make it clear that she can call you, no ?s asked, if she finds herself in a situation she doesn't want to be in.

[Lottielottie42]

This sounds like my DD 😬. Every weekend I dreaded, more exhausting than work however over the last 3-5 months she's greatly improved. Daily drama has decreased to monthly (again when I say no) but despite the verbal attacks she now does (begrudgingly) follow the rules.
I got to a point where I considered calling ss. When I reached my final straw I gave her a choice - be back by 12.30 or I'll be reporting you missing because I don't know where you are , if your safe etc. She tested it , I called police who turned up at a party DD was mortified but has kept me informed and been in when asked since. What region do you live? If your area has early help teams I recommend .

[Jupitertomars]

This has made me really sad reading this. Really feel for you OP.

I was like this. Total disregard for anyone and my future. I did what I wanted. Was in a really bad crowd. It really effected my mum and she went through hell but I used to reassure myself that she was being dramatic and I wasnt too bad.

I stole money from her purse to buy alcohol. Jumped out my bedroom window when she refused to let me out. Stayed out all night. Brought home by the police. Feel so ashamed writing that.

I think the change came around 16. I started to see clear differences between myself and the other girls I was hanging around with.

I realised that they wouldnt be passing any exams and that they didnt care. Whereas I was always academically able and didnt need too much effort to do well.

So after exams they all failed and I.done well. They left school and I stayed on. My mum started allowing me some more freedom and I started to respect her.

Not exactly sure why I changed but thankfully I did and we as a family talk about and laugh now about my terrible teen phase.

I went to uni got a degree got a job and im now a SAHM with two kids and in beds most weekends for 10pm (small baby who doesnt sleep)

Anyway what I want to say is that I was awful. Truly awful. But it doesnt mean the worst and things can turn around and I.hope they do for you.

Meanwhile im bracing myself for my karma when my kids become teenagers.

[Izzy142]

Thanks Jupiter that's given me some hope that there maybe light at the end of the tunnel for my own ds, it's so difficult to see any hope in all of this but hopefully he'll recognise he has to change at some point. Good to hear there are some can get through this and come out the other side.

[Izzy142]

I hope fedup has her dd home safely soon, there's such a relief when they return usually lifted by the next episode but there at least, however temporary. I have so much empathy for what you're going through so can't offer more than sending prayers and thoughts your way, we need to remember it's the choices our dc are making that is causing this trauma and not the love and support we are trying to give them

[fedupstressedout]

Well she's still not home. Should have been back at school today too, so she's missing a days education. Another one.

Had to come to work as I've already missed a few days lately because of all this.

Exhausted and worried sick.

[JufusMum]

Sorry I really can't offer any help but a hug and a hand hold. My DD has run off a few times but thankfully ends up at cousins house.
Teen girls are really, really hard x

[Mummamayhem]

I think you're right OP to try and keep boundaries and rules in place. If you give up she'll just test things further.

But I'd say, make home easy for her - I. E have telly or computer etc in her room so she is more inclined to want to hang out in her room. Make it her private space from her siblings. Involve her in a discussion about making it her safe space, what she would like etc (you might not agree but if she's coming up with ideas about keeping herself safe then she's more likely to engage with them)

And as a once wayward teen myself absolutely give her some info on drink/drugs and decide on some contraception.

[fedupstressedout]

She has all those things, her own, very nice and comfortable room, TV etc. She doesn't want to be in there however.

We are a normally, a relaxed and happy home. No arguments, no worries really. She has said to me in the past that she likes hanging round with these kids as their lives are exciting. So I will always be the loser as our boring, normal family life stays the same.

[Mummamayhem]

Oh sorry I thought It was all confiscated. All you can do is be there for her and as she grows up she'll see it hopefully.

[Izzy142]

Fedup I'm so sorry you're going through this it makes you feel physically sick, I know. Hopefully she will see sense soon and the attraction of this lifestyle wears thin for her. We can only hope that they will return to us and want to be part of their loving families again, however boring!

[fedupstressedout]

Still not home. Absolutely sick to my stomach and torn between anger that she could do this to us and upset that she might be in danger.

She has text that she's ok but that's it. Police have no more info as all of her lovely friends deny all knowledge.

Feel bloody useless and frustrated

[Iluvthe80s]

Fedup I hope your daughter comes home soon.Shocked there is nothing the police can do to help you. Is there a mentoring support group in your area? Would that help at all? is there any other support you and your family are getting?