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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

14 year old boy ? normal.

20 replies

Babyroobs · 19/04/2017 22:05

I'm worried about my 14 year old ds who rarely goes out. This Easter holidays he has only been out for an hour on a Saturday to do a community project and then two hours on the park with his friends.
He rarely speaks to any family members ( has 2 older brothers and a younger sister), only comes downstairs to eat then goes straight back to his room.
His room smells, usual teenage room clothes everywhere. he needs prompting to take showers and look after himself etc.
I have tried to ask him if he's depressed and he says not. I've asked him if he's like to go anywhere over the holidays and he says no there is nothing he wants to do.
He has no interest in earning any money . I've offered him money to wash my car / do the garden etc but he won't , maybe I should just make him do it anyway.
He is not unpleasant, in fact he is quite passive, just uncommunicative. Is this just a stage? My other elder ds's have not been like this they are both sociable and motivated to do things.
He has friends, gets invited out occasionally but declines.
I try to limit time spend on play station etc but it's hard as I work full time and can't enforce it.
Anyone else have the same problem.

OP posts:

AddToBasket · 19/04/2017 22:06

Could he be addicted to gaming?

BernieKosar · 19/04/2017 22:09

Is his PlayStation in his room?

ArriettyClock1 · 19/04/2017 22:09

I don't know - this would worry me.

Mine spends hardly any time in his room but doesn't socialise a great deal either - maybe once a week. He does a lot of sport, so I think he gets his fill of mates then.

Some teens go through a morose phase and like to be alone, but neither of mine have - yet.

AnyFucker · 19/04/2017 22:10

I would be worried about his online activities, tbh

Violetcharlotte · 19/04/2017 22:11

DS2 went through a stage of this last year. I was worried too and actually spoke to a couple of other Mums who confirmed their DS were the same! Is he a gamer? 14 year old boys do seem to spend ridiculous amounts of time playing games, but if they're playing online it's how they socialise as they all chat while they're playing. If this is all it is and he seems perfectly happy in all other areas I wouldn't worry too much. This year DS (now nearly 16) is out all the time. I'm not sure what's worse!

Original poster

Babyroobs · 19/04/2017 22:13

Yes he is gaming and socialising on line with his mates. It would be hard to bring the game downstairs as we only have the one communal room for 6 of us.

OP posts:

Violetcharlotte · 19/04/2017 22:16

I'd try not to worry too much then. It's incredibly annoying and frustrating but does seem the norm for this age group. As long as he's happy and doing ok at school I wouldn't worry too much at this stage. It won't be long until he discovers girls and alcohol!

Original poster

Babyroobs · 19/04/2017 22:16

And yes his friends mums say theirs are doing the same. I just feel like it's a wasted childhood really and wonder how he's ever going to gain life skills etc when he's stuck in his room .

OP posts:

MaidenMotherCrone · 19/04/2017 22:16

Normal

Original poster

Babyroobs · 19/04/2017 22:18

Thanks Violet - Yes sometimes I think it's a good thing he's safe in his room and I know what he's doing as I know a few colleagues who's kids are getting into a lot of trouble. He's bright and doing well at school.

OP posts:

BernieKosar · 19/04/2017 22:20

If you want him out and about a bit more, you're going to have to restrict the gaming.

It's a battle worth having I think.

Original poster

Babyroobs · 19/04/2017 22:24

He's agreed to cinema trip with dh at the weekend and possibly go- Karting soon with dh and his brothers. Even that suggestion was met with a grunt !

OP posts:

BernieKosar · 19/04/2017 22:38

It's interesting to read about the physical effects of gaming addiction on developing teens. Vit D deficiency, low muscle tone, frontal lobe damage, depression, personality changes. etc.

I'm no expert but I can see a difference in my 11 yr old after just a few hours gaming that I just don't like.

His PlayStation is staying downstairs and he has to 'balance' gaming time with physical activity - even if it's just 20 mins on the trampoline.

I'm similarly frustrated by dd's addiction to her phone!

Original poster

Babyroobs · 19/04/2017 22:57

Thanks Bernie - I have started him on some vit D tablets.

OP posts:

mumontherun14 · 26/04/2017 13:36

Interested to read this. My DS 12 (nearly 13) goes straight up to his room after school and goes on his phone or the playstation. He trains with a football team 3 nights a week but if it wasn't for that he would be in his room more. TO be fair sometimes it is Netflix -watching a film which I am more happy with rather than You Tube or Instagram. I find he can be quite uncommunicative, he moans about coming down for dinner, dog walking or any family activities. He has a group of friends from school and they go out sometimes on a Saturday shopping or to the cinema. I actually took him out for a coffee this morning after the dentist and we had a better chat but still hard to get a conversation going - he was showing me a game on his phone and it was a funny puzzle one so I could see why he liked it - some of the games are pretty addictive. He doesn't seem that interested in school work or homework. I have started switching the wi fi off at 10pm and taking the devices out of rooms then. It's hard to tell what affect they are having on the kids and what is just normal teen behaviour x

user1486076969 · 26/04/2017 20:53

Normal

cdtaylornats · 26/04/2017 21:26

Nothing wrong with him. He just doesn't see the need to prattle on so other people know he's there. Assuming he communicates when he has something to say he is fine.

My mother used to say I spent words like tenners.

PurpleOneWithTheNutIn · 26/04/2017 21:44

You could be describing my ds at 14! I was worried for other reasons too, he didn't have many friends at school and was really struggling socially but would talk away to his online "friends" for hours if allowed to.

He's nearly 17 now and is at college enjoying his course, is more communicative now but still has only a few friends. He's got other issues though and that's been usual for him all his life really. It did (does) worry me but he's also a lovely boy who is very practical and just not into teenage hanging out as such. We have a good relationship most of the time and he will chat to me and is great with my youngest, very patient with him!

I think it can be worrying especially when they point blank refuse to do anything else apart from be in their room on their own. All I could do is try and keep him involved in wider family life and keep up to date with what he was doing and what was important to him, so he knew I was there if he needed me.

Obviously your ds is not my ds and if you're worried that's valid. Odds are though he won't be like this forever! My ds came out of his shell a bit when he did the national citizenship scheme last summer, volunteering and being away from home for a bit was great for him. Will your ds do any sport? Anything else he's interested in?

LionelMessy · 07/05/2017 18:31

Alot of good points on this thread.
I try restrict electrical to one hour at a time.
No tv or ps4 or anything in his bedroom. Phone left outside bedroom door for charging at 9.30.

Socialising he never initiates.
Rightly or wrongly - I have text his friends parents and added meets at football pitch or shops on his behalf. Sounds controlling- but is innocent and best way to get him out room.

sheepskinshrug · 08/05/2017 08:20

Have nephews like this and they really struggled with the transition to paid work. They spent at least a year after finishing their A Levels in their rooms. It was a massive worry for their parents and they had to work quite hard to encourage them to leave their rooms. They started celebrating small wins like one son would offer to make dinner, the other took an interest in the process of making bread...it's been heartbreaking to see these young lads spend the prime of their lives in their bedrooms. Their mates went off to Uni, go out and meet up as well as spending time gaming but these 2 brothers for the longest time just would not leave their rooms....we can see our other 2 nephews going the same way.

We have decided not to allow the xbox or tv in the bedroom, but also recently took a further step and no longer allow phone or internet use upstairs except for homework. There's no longer anything in their rooms to keep them up there continuously. They read of course but it doesn't seem to have the same pull away from socialising with the family.

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