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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Found a porn DVD

17 replies

lotty34 · 10/03/2007 20:49

My son is 15 and I emptied his Blazer on Friday and found a DVD titled 'White Nurses' I put it on and was horrified to see it was a really hard core porn film. To be honest I was really upset, sad and shocked and I only saw a few seconds of it. Thankfully he was out so I had time to cool off and not explode and have an almighty row about it but I must admit to feeling really shocked and upset.

I have found magazines before but have turned a blind eye as they were not that bad, although I am not keen on them but he is a boy after all and I can't pretend boys don't look at this sort of thing.

He knows I know because I left it on his unit top and its been cut up into tiny pieces and put in the outside bin.

Shall I leave it at that or express my feelings. I do not want anything like that brought into my home again even if people might think I am a prude. Its just not exceptable for a 15 year old to have that sort of thing.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
LilyLoo · 10/03/2007 20:50

Haven't got older Dc's but feel this may be the normal thing of young lads. Hopefully someone will be on in a bit with more advice!

Spidermama · 10/03/2007 20:52

Did you cut it up?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 10/03/2007 20:52

You need to have an adult conversation with him about it. What you have done doesnt teach him anything - except that you go through his pockets and things, and that he'll need to be much more secretive next time.

If you want him to understand what's wrong, in your mind, with porn, they you need to speak to him. He's not psychic!

Blondilocks · 10/03/2007 20:54

He may not have watched it before you saw it & may not have realised how bad it was- but still I think it would be reasonable for you to explain that you aren't happy with him having things like that. After all one needs to be 18 I believe before you can buy things like that.

Spidermama · 10/03/2007 20:55

You may not want to hear this but none the less ......

I'm sorry lotty but I feel really sorry for him. He's 15. He's experimenting with his sexuality. What were you doing in his blazer?

If he'd left it lazily around the place for you to chance upon then it would be different but he didn't.

A 15 year old boy needs privacy. He won't thank you for this and nor will he feel able to come to you and talk openly with you about this stuff because of this fairly extreme judgement on him.

You are effectively criminalising normal behaviour and it could backfire and make him feel dirty and bad about himself when he shoudn't.

JanH · 10/03/2007 20:57

He might have taken it so as not to look a wuss in front of his mates.

Worth initiating a friendly chat about it and putting your POV across in a pleasant-but-forceful way

(I know emptying blazer pockets is something of a necessity with adolescent boys, to save seams splitting!)

Original poster
lotty34 · 10/03/2007 21:07

I asked him to leave me the Blazer as I wanted to wash it. I was only taking things out of the pockets for that reason.

I will have a talk with him over it because although I appreciate this sort of thing might be normal and ok to some I don't think the content of that DVD was suitable for a boy of 15 to be watching.

I did not cut it up, he did once he knew I had seen it in his blazer and left it on the top of his unit, as I did with the other things that were left in his Blazer pockets.

He can and does talk to me about all sorts of things and we have a very open way with each other but this I am finding hard to think what to say without it all sounding wrong. I will not accept that sort of DVD being played in the house when there are 2 other younger children around.

OP posts:
LadyOfTheFlowers · 10/03/2007 21:10

my brother, 15 at the time, went to a teen night at the local rugby club, where the live band threw hardcore dvds out into the crowd as prizes!!

my mother could not believe it!

Spidermama · 10/03/2007 22:15

Sorry lotty.

He cut it up.
I think that's a pretty clear message to you. I'm sorry if I seemed insensitive and accusatory. I just remember being a teenager, as I'm sure you do, and the whole sex thing is a nightmare when you're living with parents.

My oldest is still 8 so I have quite a while to work out my strategies.

Best of luck with it.

Socci · 10/03/2007 22:28

Message withdrawn

SpringisherePann · 10/03/2007 22:53

I was a 15 y.old boy once!!

but much more innocent than this, but we all were then!!

Being very careful with smaller one's round IS a given, and yes I know, you do need to chat with him. And I do agree that it is your rules in the house, and this falls below expectation.

but what an idiot! Giving his mum a jacket with "what and whom katie did next" in it!!

that lack of planning would concern me just as much!!

JanH · 11/03/2007 00:20

Pann, he probably just forgot it was there!

DS2 is nearly 14 and I find all sorts of random things in his pockets - he knows I empty them when they get stuffed past tolerable capacity but still he keeps notes to and from friends, doctored pictures from the internet etc which would be better kept from my eyes

I comment occasionally - "WTF is this?????" - and he mumbles something and takes it all away.

It sounds as if lotty has a similar relationship with her 15-yr-old, and IMHO if she lets him know how she feels about that kind of thing coming into the house he will learn the lesson and it won't happen again.

kittylette · 11/03/2007 00:30

leave him, in a few months he will legally be allowed to do the things on that DVD!

its only a bit of porn, would you rather him be sleeping around then watching that?

shimmy21 · 11/03/2007 03:00

oh poor love (you and ds)

sounds very normal 15 yr old behaviour to me. I wouldn't make a big deal about it as he obviously knows how you feel about it -hence the cutting up business

you could just ask if he wants to talk about the film you found (of course he wont!) but at least it would get it out in the open (subject not film!)

tatt · 11/03/2007 08:36

if we don't talk to our sons about this sort of thing then how are they expected to know what women feel about it? Of course you need to calm down before you discuss it. Personally I'd rather my son be a loving relationship than sleeping around. He isn't likely to form good realtionships later if he doesn't understand that hard core porn depicts fantasies. Might prefer his father to do most of the talking but he does need to get the female point of view too.

zippitippitoes · 11/03/2007 08:52

it is really common, all this stuff is passed around among blokes and probably women of all ages. I t does seem to be something which is as often handed on as actually bought!

My worst porn incident was finding print offs from the internet 10 years ago in ds room..he was 8 and it was hard core stuff. I stormed off to school and demanded a meeting with the head master which made for an interesting adrenalin fuelled rant from me on how this was tantamount to bullying and he must find the source of this stuff immediately. He tried to say it had come from home but at that time there was no way it could have come into his possession except through school. And in fact that did turn out to be the case.

Anyway back to teenagers and porn I have had numerous occasions to tell ds I'm not happy eg internet porn interfering with my pc...dealt with by pointing out that i can't afford to get it sorted and it isn't what i want when I'm working. TV films bought from sky..blocked premium channels.

By and large we deal with it in a humorous fashion ds I don't want to know (nothing is ever his it's always his best mates who left it here) For some reason we refer to any porn as late night men [sic] I haven't had a debate about porn with ds because tbh he would collapse pof boredom afetr 30 secs of intellectual argument and I would just get shut up!

So your ds is clearly mortified you found it, don't worry about it.

WideWebWitch · 11/03/2007 09:14

I agree with tatt.

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