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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Am I expecting too much?

30 replies

GoodyGoodyGumdrops · 13/04/2017 15:32

I was on holiday with my family yesterday, in a place where there was no phone signal or wifi. I took some photos of ds, which he asked me to send him. Of course I said I would, once I was in a wifi zone.

I left them early, and came home alone, arriving late last night. Ds knew that I was going to a funeral this morning.

So last night I had a polite message from ds, asking me to send him the photos. But it was late, I was tired, emotional and lonely, and I did not do it.

This is today's conversation. AIBU in thinking that he is being unmannerly? Or am I expecting too much? Or am I being over-sensitive? He is 16.

Am I expecting too much?
OP posts:
swingofthings · 13/04/2017 17:50

He is being a typical self-centered 16yo. No big deal, you said the right thing and he concluded with ok, so nothing worth dwelling about.

Original poster
GoodyGoodyGumdrops · 14/04/2017 12:25

So it's not something to discuss with him?

How does a teen learn to consider others?

OP posts:
Original poster
GoodyGoodyGumdrops · 14/04/2017 12:28

I would expect the reply to "Ds, I'm at a funeral." to be "Sorry, Mum.", rather than a complaint.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 14/04/2017 12:28

I wouldn't worry about it. You explained why and he said 'ok'.

How long would it take to do it though? You managed to send him two text messages, would it have taken longer than that?

SuburbanRhonda · 14/04/2017 12:30

If you think this is serious, you've got a long road ahead of you!

CherylBlossom · 14/04/2017 12:30

I think you're being really hard on him tbh. Just send them?

Was the funeral someone close or someone like a colleague? If the former then you have more of a point, the latter and I can't see why you haven't done it already.

JustSpeakSense · 14/04/2017 12:50

I think you're being a bit unreasonable here. If you had the time to send text messages to him why haven't you just sent the photos, it takes seconds.

Original poster
GoodyGoodyGumdrops · 14/04/2017 12:52

I sent the pictures yesterday evening. It took about 10-15mins to select and send them.

It was the funeral of someone very dear to me, and I had a job in the service.

OP posts:
TheCakes · 14/04/2017 12:54

I agree, he accepted it when you said you were at a funeral. I imagine you are emotional and more sensitive than usual, but 16-year-old boys aren't known for their sensitivity. If he kept pushing, fair enough, but I think this is OK. He sounds like a decent lad to me.

Original poster
GoodyGoodyGumdrops · 14/04/2017 13:12

OK. Thanks for your POV. It's difficult to accept, as I find manners very important. But, equally, I understand the importance of not bugging teens - not sweating the small stuff. So I'll let it pass.

OP posts:
PlectrumElectrum · 14/04/2017 13:18

I have a 12 yr old who fails to get that I'm not always sitting free waiting for texts to respond to immediately. I think my record number of texts before I could reply is 48 & that was in the 1 hour I was in a meeting at work. Just repeated 'mum' texts over & over with a plea for me to stop ignoring her. I have pulled her up each time she's done it & it's maybe a tad less frequent now.

So in my experience yes, pull him up over it & point out that patience is clearly not an attribute he's mastered, which can come across as rude. I'm sure I'll still be having these conversations with my DD at 16Grin

Sparklingbrook · 14/04/2017 13:19

Were the pictures on your phone?

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2017 13:23

"He is being a typical self-centered 16yo"

Oh, I hate this sort of stereotyping!

Sparklingbrook · 14/04/2017 13:27

I don't think there's any such thing as a 'typical' 16 year old boy all the ones I have met (loads) have been different. Even my two teens are different.
One is a sensitive worrier and would probably not have even asked for the photos, the other one would probably have done the same as the OP's son.

DurhamDurham · 14/04/2017 13:30

He said 'OK', he want rude, he could perhaps has been a tad more thoughtful as you'd been to a funeral but he was obviously keen to get the photos.

My girls are 23 and 19, the best advice I was given was to save your battles for the big things. It worked well for us as a family.

scottishdiem · 14/04/2017 13:42

I see absolutely nothing wrong in the messages.

I have no idea what the problem is here.

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2017 13:43

For me the issue was that he hassled her while she was at a funeral. I would be disappointed if one of mine did that.

Lovelilies · 14/04/2017 13:52

I think he sounds perfectly reasonable. You said you'd send them, you were 'preparing for a funeral'.
IMO you should've said sorryDS I haven't time to send them til after funeral. Or just pinged them to him in the 5 mins it takes!

scottishdiem · 14/04/2017 14:15

At 16 how many funerals has he be exposed to? How many times has he seen the funerals of people near and dear to those he holds near and dear - so therefore sees the emotional difficulty that some go through at that time?

How many funerals has he seen on TV where people are fully capable of doing things like sending pictures before and after the funeral event itself?

How many funerals has he been exposed to that render normal tasks impossible the day before, and the time before and the period after?

How special has he been taught to how treat funerals? At 16 I had only been to a couple of distant relatives so had little exposure to the grief side of things.

My gran last year died. I was completing a job application before going and answered work emails afterwards. I am 40 and thats where I am at with funerals. Not everyone is the same.

It was normal teen social media communication to be honest. And if OP has pulled him up for not doing something he said he would do in the past, and he isnt emotionally attuned to that funeral, then all he has done is acting as he has been taught.

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2017 14:17

Blimey. 16 year olds are capable of empathy and imagination, you know!

shesnotme · 14/04/2017 14:18

Typical teen🙄

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 14/04/2017 14:20

I'm unsure. It would have taken about 2 seconds to send them.
I'm Irish. We go to funerals all the time. They're pretty run of the mill.
I'd have sent them

scottishdiem · 14/04/2017 16:46

Oh I agree that teenagers are capable of empathy and imagination. Dont disagree.

But not all funerals are the same. Not all of them render people incapable of sending pictures as discussed. Others absolutely do. Did this teenager know the circumstances - its clear that from the texts that they did not but when told accepted it.

swingofthings · 15/04/2017 09:08

*So it's not something to discuss with him?

How does a teen learn to consider others?*
You can discuss it with him but be prepared to be challenged back to the fact that you said you would do something that you didn't do, ie. send the pictures once you were in a wifi zone.

Lesson for him: Learn to be considerate. Lesson for him: Don't say you'll do something that means a lot to him and then don't follow through with it. Both are about good manners.

Wolfiefan · 15/04/2017 09:11

I can't see any rudeness here. Please do something for me? Not rude. Ok I understand you had to get ready for a funeral. Not rude.
Teens do tend to think the universe revolves around them and their needs. I also wouldn't expect a teenager to see a funeral as something you needed to prepare for.

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