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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

revising - or not as the case may be!

20 replies

user1489762983 · 17/03/2017 15:14

My DD is taking GCSE's this time and is driving me potty with her attitude to revising. Since the start of the year any motivation she has had has totally gone. We did lose my dad in January and her other granddad was taken seriously ill but she seems to be using this as an excuse not to revise,
I have tried talking to her, encouraging her with rewards, punishing her and she says she is doing it but she is just lying about it and making up stuff she has done.
My mums advice is to let her fail but I'm really struggling to stand back and watch that happen!

OP posts:

toomuchtvandsocialmedia · 17/03/2017 15:25

Does she know how to revise? Lots of students to seem to think revision is just re-reading notes. She needs to make a realistic exam timetable for the Easter holidays onwards that includes down time, but also ensures she covers everything She needs to be making flash cards (possibly on an app), mind maps and revision notes, as well as doing practise papers and using the mark schemes. I would try to insist that she revises downstairs if you don't trust her to do it independently.

Bensyster · 17/03/2017 15:43

What grades does she need? Is she thinking of doing A levels? Does she know what she wants to do? I think forcing a child to revise is unwise but you can make her space distraction free.

Original poster

user1489762983 · 17/03/2017 15:55

I've set up a room for her downstairs just for revision (with her agreement). She's written out her own timetable, she has books, cards and all the guides etc, we've sat down and talked through the best way for her to learn for each subject (mindmaos, pictures etc) but either she won't come down into her room or if she does she does the smallest amount possible and then leaves!
She says she wants to pass her exams but shows absolutely no chance of doing it!!

OP posts:

Oblomov17 · 17/03/2017 16:44

I need to talk to ds1 about how he revises. He recent maths test wasn't good, but he insists he has been revising.

nokidshere · 01/04/2017 09:27

Whilst you can encourage, cajole and support, ultimately there is little else you can do. You can't make them do it, they have to want to. Even if you manage to get her to stay in the room there is no guarantee she is actually learning anything.

I have one teen doing GCSEs - he has a timetable for revision and sticks to it, he is very focussed and wants to do well. He took encouragement from his last mocks which were significantly better than the previous ones and he asks for support if he needs it.

My other teen is doing A levels. He is a coaster with good grades. No amount of support or nagging will change his attitude to study which is largely "everything is fine" even though I rarely see him revising or studying.

I remind them that the importance of education is that ultimately it gives them choice and a certain amount of freedom. I remind them that we are always available to help if it's needed.

And then I leave them to it. Because I won't be in that exam room with them and I can't help them once they walk through that door.

And sometimes a failure is what is needed in order for them to decide what it is they really want.

lottachocca · 01/04/2017 09:42

In the book "Get out of my life but first take me and alex into town" they suggest you set aside time to sit with your teen - they have no choice, either sit there and do nothing or revise and faced with that choice they'll revise. I wouldn't go down this route, I'm not sure you can force a reluctant child to sit at a table and if you did, the arguments and relationships issues it could lead to might be something you regret..... but if you're determined to do something....

swingofthings · 01/04/2017 09:45

Is it the case that she is likely to fail if she doesn't revise? A number of kids in my DD year (last year) did very little revision and manage to still do quite well, albeit, they must be quite clever kids naturally.

My friend teared her hair out for 6 months because her son would not open a book and she kept warning him that he was going to fail all his exams (as did most of his teachers). He ended up with mostly Bs, one or two As and only one C. Everyone was amazed.

The irony is that he told his mum off because he said that she should more or less have treated him like a prisoner because if he had studies, he probably would have got all As and A*s. He is now reproducing the exact same attitude with his A levels!

Giraffesaretootall · 01/04/2017 09:51

My sympathies, we are in the same boat. One minute he looks as if he's willing to work hard to achieve what he wants (not what we want, he wants certain grades to go to a new sixth form). Then the next minute he's moaning and making any excuses not to revise.

Can I ask what your work expectations of your yr11s is over the Easter holidays in terms of how much revision a day etc?

DevelopingDetritus · 01/04/2017 09:59

I think you need to back off now, sounds like you'll send her doing the opposite if you keep on nagging.

SaudadeObama · 01/04/2017 10:02

What does she want to do with her life? I was slack with my GCSE'S but still managed A's B's and C's and then took my A levels very seriously. If she might scrape through then I would be tempted to leave it. My children are expected to study for 2-3 hours a day but we're in a different country so that's done between 1-4pm. I did do the 'sit there' method with one of them and now he chooses to come to my work place and study there where it's quiet. It did work for us but I can see it wouldn't work for everyone, especially if that 'time' is at home and in the evenings and at weekends.

The best way is to get her to see that she's doing it for her, not for you, not for her teachers etc. Is she interested in money? If she likes shopping for clothes, technology etc then ask her how she plans to fund this in her future. My son's materialistic mentality was one key to help him see that hard work brings financial rewards. He looked online for the average earnings of certain professions. He liked those figures and that's motivated him to aim for university. A lot of teens live for the moment, life is good and they have everything they want. This is one key factor in them not really thinking ahead. It's one reason I did fuck all in my GCSE years.

Original poster

user1489762983 · 01/04/2017 10:05

She passed half of her mocks 'just'. So I assuming that unless she revises she will fail. I think I've come to the conclusion that I just have to leave her to it and she will pass/ fail on her own and we will deal with the consequences. Just so hard to sit back and watch!

OP posts:

BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/04/2017 10:08

Ive got two approaching GCSEs and haven't seen much studying going on, some days I'm ranting, others I let them get on with it, they know what they need to do. Stressful times. Roll on mid June.

Giraffesaretootall · 01/04/2017 10:27

I think we'll all be celebrating mid June, not just them. I can't wait for 16th!

Travelledtheworld · 01/04/2017 10:46

I feel your pain. DD whomis bright but lazy did very little revision for GCSEs.
Mediocre results,scraped into the sixth form at her very high achieving school.

Now doing A levels. One subject she is passionate about, two she is a bit "Meh". Not doing any work at home. Tells me she is studying at school. Exam results will tell....

It's tough.

lljkk · 01/04/2017 10:47

Is this thread about you learning to let go or about how you can make her revise?

Original poster

user1489762983 · 01/04/2017 11:22

I think the question is 'can I make her revise or should I learn to let go?!'

OP posts:

DevelopingDetritus · 01/04/2017 11:56

No you can't make her revise, well, in any meaningful way anyway, they have to find it in themselves to do it. And yes, you have to try and let go and step back, I know easier said than done. Best wishes.

lljkk · 01/04/2017 13:19

There are many MN threads where folk say they had some success in making them revise. You could read for ideas. Rarely do the posters seem to have terrific small effort solution that transforms their DC forever more so easily done & dusted; more like long term repeated efforts & being embroiled in the teenager's choices for years. I don't have it in me to do any of it. I will remind my teens of where they want to get to & why revising will help them get there. Also explore plans BCD if they don't get good grades. Or say "If these are only qualifications you ever get then Make Them Good Ones" etc.

Foldedtshirt · 01/04/2017 13:30

I feel your pain. I have three revisors at home this Easter. So far we've had 8 sleepovers (number of guests x nights), they've chowed through
£squillions of brain food and revision has been restricted to making timetables... for each other! 😂

HiccupHaddockHorrendous · 01/04/2017 19:28

I have no miracle advice, I'm afraid. Going through a similar thing with ds...except at his school, they'll be sitting 5 exams this year (yr10) and the rest next year so this trauma won't even be over in June!!!
I've got him to agree to an hour's revision a night (30mins x 2 subjects), Monday to Friday and weekends off. We haven't negotiated the holiday timetable yet...I need to pick that moment carefully!!

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