How do you deal with your teens' squabbles?

[Dancergirl]

My two oldest dds are 15.5 and 14 and generally get on quite well. Or at least they used to. Lately they've been having petty squabbles with each other, saying mean things etc.

They are quite different personalities - dd1 is quite laid back, fairly chilled about things, doesn't often get upset etc. Dd2 is much more volatile and emotional and more needy.

Last night dh and I had been out. When we got home dd1 was waiting up for us and was clearly upset. Apparently she and dd2 had had a row and dd2 had said to her 'no-one likes you' This comment was obviously said to have a dig at dd1 who apparently 'was being annoying'.

I aske dd2 about it in the morning, she admitted she had said it but then claimed that I don't pick up on the fact that dd1 says mean things to her.

How do you handle this sort of thing? I do try and stay out of things as much as possible, but it's difficult if they're squabbling in family living areas, and I can't help getting upset when they make nasty comments.

Advice please?

It's tough and trying to stay out of it is probably the best.

If they generally get on well then it's worth having a chat with them both at a time that are getting on about how they are almost adults and that they need to find other ways to deal with each other that aren't so nasty.

They still have a way to go until they can control these impulses to lash out at other though and I think it's a way of testing their people skills in a safe environment.

I'd stress to them how childish it is and also that it means that it's spoiling your ability to go out as you are starting to feel that they can't be trusted etc. Essentially appeal to their better nature when they are in a reasonable mood rather than trying to do it when they are angry.

On a practical note just keep their need to interact when you aren't there to a minimum by saying they should stay in their rooms when you are out?

I have 16 and 15 year old boys, they get on really well but do tend to stick to their own spaces other than mealtimes etc. Peace and Harmony :o

It's definitely difficult to know when to get involved and what to say to be fair to both, especially if you didn't hear it all, but I think talking to them about how comments can hurt feelings and come across as nastier than intended might help, especially as I'm sure your daughters wouldn't want to really upset each other. Kids always think you're being unfair if you tell one off and not their sibling though!

WankersHacksandThieves I think you're lucky having boys in this respect! My two boys (14 and 11) are totally fine and the elder one still enjoys spending time with his brother, but my daughter (16) is regularly complaining about them, recently announcing "this house stinks of boys and if I find one more smelly rugby sock lying around it'll be a breach of my human rights"! Them using a pair of her high heels for goalposts didn't go down well either

MrsXXD, yes, I think boys are a lot easier in this regard though if it does kick off you have proper fisty cuffs to deal with in people that are bigger and stronger than you. I've not experienced this yet, but I did have 4 brothers and DH is one of 5 boys!

Interestingly I have similar to OP in that eldest is quiet and easy going and younger son was always louder and shouting about his human rights and slamming doors :) he has grown out of that now though and is a pretty laid back dude now too. Still likes to make sure everyone is aware of his viewpoint but more likely now to just take the easy course rather than have a full scale stand off over something petty.

I can't stand it. If I hear the bickering, I haul them in to do a job for me. That immediately gets them both on the same side against me and then they behave nicely to avoid more jobs.

That's a point! My sons are both rugby players too so I don't fancy getting in the middle of that if it ever happened, think I'd hope MrXXD was around to leave that one to him I only had a sister growing up which was probably torture for our poor parents!

Somewhat glad that it's not just my DD shouting about human rights, slamming doors and having tantrums! I'm not sure having to live with "smelly boys" is a breach of hers though Laid back but expressing his views sounds ideal, if not always welcome

On a practical note just keep their need to interact when you aren't there to a minimum by saying they should stay in their rooms when you are out?

Dd2 tends to do her homework at the kitchen table. Dd1 was having her dinner (as she'd been out to a dance class) and was on her phone when it all kicked off.

In the past, I've threatened that they'll have to do burpees in the garden if they keep showing excess energy coming out as aggression towards each other. That worked too. For some reason, they believed me.

I think with the episode last night, the reason I got involved was that it was so out of character for dd1 to be so upset, dd2's comment must have really got to her.

I think I'd have a chat with each of them separately about how horrible words can hurt for a long time after they are spoken. Remind them that they can withdraw to their own rooms rather than engage further in an argument.

Ask them if there is a better way to handle disagreements - they may have some ideas, maybe expressing how they feel rather than name calling would be a more grown up way to resolve disagreements.

Ds and dd are 13. I am very intolerant of name calling and I always intervene - it's not acceptable behaviour in my house and fortunately I hear very little of it.

Mrs ours are bigger and stronger than DH too. Don't think he fancies getting in the middle either! Luckily it's not been an issue yet.