Ds, 13, being disruptive at school

[alpacawhacker]

I am at my wits end with him.

This has been going on since September when he went into year 8. The school he was in in yr 7 merged with another school on the other school's site (it is actually closer to our home.) He insists he is happy enough there but is constantly getting into trouble, with multiple detentions every week.

I have just had a phone call from his head of year and he is in trouble again, for something stupid again (refusing to sit somewhere) and he has so many behaviour points that he is now in isolation and on report.

I am going in to see his head of year tomorrow afternoon to try and sort this out and get to the bottom of why he is acting like this but the truth is I have no clue what to do!

We have tried all the usual stuff, grounding, taking tech away etc to no avail.

When we try to talk to him it's like talking to a wall, we get nowhere.

If anyone has any other ideas how to deal with this I'd be grateful. Also, how to make the best of the appointment I have tomorrow?

I was an absolute nightmare during secondary school. It's a very difficult age and he might not necessarily have a reason behind it. For me it was mainly boredom- I'd be disruptive just because It seemed funny at the time, and was just 'having a laugh' with my new found friends. I was quite intelligent and would not listen to the teacher of it was 'too easy' or the teacher wasn't engaging enough. In my 2 favourite classes I was good as gold, is he good in any particular lessons and worse in others?

At home my parents were both working a lot and we never did anything so I spent most evenings in my room alone which actually had a massive negative effect on me so by the time I got to school I didn't want to be quiet and study I wanted to have fun!
They suspended me numerous times, and made me see a psychologist which made me even more angry. I think because I didn't know then why I was behaving like that having adults question constantly what big thing must have happened to me was difficult to respond to. And parents staging one to one time just felt so fake.
I'm now an adult and feel very sorry for my parents, but I am fine and in a decent job so there is hope!
Basically what I would advise is make sure you are there at home and approachable to him as much as possible, go out for dinner, trips to the beach etc. Make sure he sees friends outside of school. Be a friend to him as well as a parent. Talk to him about what job he wants in the future.

Sorry that as soo long!

Oh, no Express, I don't mind long! I am just incredibly grateful for anything that might give me some insight! :(

I know this is different as I have a daughter, my son is only 10 so not at high school yet. But the trouble usually starts in year 8/9 as they become more settled at high school and find their feet slightly more.
My DD old school merged with other schools in the area too and that's when some of her friends went off the rails because they became mixed up with kids who had moved from the other schools which already had a bad reputation...
The thing is though, if your son is being like this and being egged on to to do so by his friends or, while he's being defiant to his teachers, he may be making his classmates laugh (we know what kids are like at that age!) then he will do it all the more.
I think he's just testing his boundaries, see what he can get away with. If he's seen Joe bloggs get away with it with their parents and/or school then he might be testing the waters too.
He could even be watching the older "cooler" kids (all high school kids seem to look up to at least one or a group of kids a year or 2 above them) then he may be doing it to make himself look "cool" but he doesn't realise it's jeopardising his education and his relationship with you and his family. As teenagers we spend all out time wishing we were older as we get to do more stuff IE stay out later, etc. I think he's just showing off tbh

That is a distinct possibility Lanny.

Regarding the meeting with school- I'd ask his teachers who he's hanging about with at school as if any of his group are getting into bother aswell then he's probably just doing it to fit in. We can't blame other kids for the stuff our kids get up to but they definitely play a part. Id ask school to keep an eye on his group of friends.
Also, chances are that now he's in year 8 he may have started hanging around with older kids from school too like year 9s and 10s who are well established in school now. Like I said in my previous post, they look up to older cooler kids and younger ones have this daft urge to try and impress them whether it's by acting the clown or backchatting teachers.. Unfortunately, some of the older ones are just as immature as the year 8s! They think by hanging around with the older end then they will get more respect and be more popular. It's happening round by us all the time, younger and older kids mixing together, hangimg about in gangs, younger kids goofing about xx

What's he like at home?

i had this experience with my son. when i sat down and spoke to him at the end of a terrible year, he admitted he was not happy constantly being in trouble. so we agreed that if he continued to get into trouble when he went back after the summer break, he would move to different school to get a fresh start n january.we talked about how hard it would be for him to not get into trouble as both teachers and mates expected him to be cheeky. i dont know whether he told his friends he had to behave, but he stopped gettng into trouble. perhaps it might work for your son...he has to get his act together after half term?? the responsibilty is his

Good point about asking who he's hanging out with.

He's a fairly sweet, quiet boy at home really. I don't know where all this attitude at school is coming from. I mean he can have a few teenage strops but noting really drastic. He's my fifth teenager and he's far from the worst at home.

Jayfee, I said to him tonight that he must REALLY love school! He said not really, why, and I said, well you keep making it so you have to spend lots more time there than you need to! I'm not sure if I saw a lightbulb moment happen right there, but it's possible.

Sounds like he's showing off being the class clown

Have you talked to him about how other class mates see him?

DD often refers to X boys as a D@"K! As she wants to learn - she doesn't find him funny - just really annoying!' She isn't laughing with him - just at him - and she's much happier when he's thrown out of class !

Pity they can't film his behavior and show him what he looks like

Well today went well. We managed to pinpoint the catalyst for this out of character behaviour; it all started after my older ds was hospitalised with ketoacidosis and diagnosed with type 1 diabetes last month. I hadn't realised it had affected him so much. I also thought, mistakenly, that this had been going on longer than that.

They said that he's usually a quiet boy who wouldn't be on their radar. I feel just awful for not realising sooner. :(

Thanks for all your replies.

Oh Alpaca -

So glad you have found a root to it but that is really moving that he has been so affected by his brother's illness.
You have a lot on your plate.

Funnily enough this is the secdon thread I have been on about 13/14 year olds and their behaviour where the end result is that the ds is really upset by something no-one had realised.
It is a good reminder that if our normally fine ds's kick off, there is usually another reason other than hormones.

Hope he is doing better now he knows you know (if that makes sense)

I think he will be fine now thanks steppemum. He's such a hulking great thing, he's much taller than me. It's easy to forget sometimes that he's still really just a child and actually a fairly sensitive one under the surface.