13 year old daughter - too young for a boyfriend?

[Verymuddymummy]

My daughter told me she has been texting a boy who has asked if she will be his valentine - she is asking me what she should say...I don't even know what that means? A date? Exchange of cards?? She's my oldest daughter so not been through this before... I'm happy she has confided in me but I just feel she's too young still and should concentrate on her studies at this age. Am I being ridulous?

That's absolutely fine & normal at 13, my 11ds has a gf in school and has got her a valentines card. No texting or social media though, if you're worried just keep a eye on that side of things

Shes probably had a few one minute "relationships" in primary. I got with my boyfriend at 13..we've now been together 9 years and have a son together. I also got all a's in my gcse's so it didnt affect my grades what so ever. Its normal at 13, just be prepared for all the heartbreaks haha x

If she likes him - she says 'Yes'
If she doesn't like him she says 'No thank you'

I assumed you have brought her up to say 'No' if someone is asking her to do anything she's not comfortable with or knows is wrong. So it doesn't matter what he assumes that means, each step is a yes/no opportunity.

She's not too young to have 'a boyfriend'. She's too young to drop any activities, stop seeing friends, spend less time doing homework etc or spend time in the bedroom with the door closed...but she's not too young to 'have a boyfriend'.

The important thing here is how she feels...

Yes, she's too young.

If she doesn't know what to say then she should say thanks but no thanks for two reasons - she doesn't know what she is signing up for, and if she liked him and wanted a boyfriend girlfriend relationship she would have said yes without any confusion.

Most importantly, if she felt comfortable enough talking to him, she would have asked him what he meant when he asked her. Since she apparently did not, then I think the matter is ruled out.

People should be friends first and foremost at that age imo. I don't think you are being ridiculous at all (mother of 4 DDs here).

Mine has one apparently. She hasn't seen him for a few weeks though. It's normal teenage stuff.

What mathanxiety said. Plus, how old is he??

Thanks all, that's all really helpful. differentnameforthis he is 14. They both go to different single sex schools.

Hard to monitor the social media side of things - like most teenagers, she's pretty glued to her phone...

Assuming the boy is same age, then totally normal. DD16 had her first "serious" bf at 13 and lasted 3 mos. DD13 has been asked a few times but has so far always declined. You need to start talking to her about what type of dating behavior is acceptable to you at this age.

As long as they're not alone anywhere ( bedrooms, out drinking etc) then its normal! I had a bf for 2 years from when I was 11 :')

And how does one go about ensuring that?

I've been through this with my daughter. She's 15 now but was 13 at the time. She kept mentioning this lads name ALOT but I didn't twig on until he appeared at my front door one day asking if she was allowed out.
Only problem was he was in year 11, she was in year 9! That's why she didn't tell me at first. I sat her down and told her that while I don't mind her having boyfriends and that it was perfectly normal at her age, she had to bear in mind that he was 2 years older than her.
It didn't last long as a lot of relationship don't at their ages. But then a newsletter went out saying that there had been reports that boys at school (especially year 11 boys but not limited to year 11 boys) had been asking the younger girls in year 9 for "pictures" or had been sending the girls pictures of themselves if you know what I mean?
Not all boys are bad and after one thing but majority are. Hormones are racing etc. My daughter is still a virgin thank goodness and she's proud if it too! But shes had friends who have been completely heartbroken over lads cos they've used them. But I honestly believe that if your DD is sensible and has her own mind then she will be able to say no to peer pressure and pressure from boys. And it's always the older ones who the girls get attached to. They tell them what they want to hear to butter them up then they let them down.
But in no way is it just the older lads, the younger ones can be just as bad.
I think the thing to do is sit and speak to your child with an open mind. I did this with my daughter and were really close, she tells me almost everything.
She knows that when she finds "the one" and she feels the time is right to go a step further then she can come to me and we'll speak about contraception.
Kids have relationships, some last, some don't but as long as your DD can talk to you without judgement or anger then you'll be fine.
Most relationships at that age are harmless enough but boys will be boys and girls can sometimes feel pressured into things xx

Lanny - "The one"??
If I had to be sure of that, I'd still be a virgin today! Talk about "pressure"!

Yes I know what you mean...
I meant that when she finds the boy who's right for her to maybe go at step further with. As it stands at the moment, she's said she'll be a virgin all her life because lads her age are just after one thing and one thing only and then they dump you so she said it's easier just not to have a boyfriend as there's no expectations and no let downs and no hearts broken.
I'm sure we won't be having the contraception talk just yet...She's not remotely interested in or ready for anything sexual.
At heart I think she's a bit of a romantic, you know, waiting for the right person to come along who she feels she can trust enough not to use her and then break her heart.
But it's like I said, at her age she needs to lower her expectations when it comes to boys because sex to them is a conquest, it's nothing to do with love. It's something to brag to their pals about.
Girls expect this-boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happily ever after.
It can happen and it does but I've told her alot of people have to kiss a lot of frogs before they find their prince...

to boys because sex to them is a conquest, it's nothing to do with love. It's something to brag to their pals about.

This is so true - and all over social media within minutes

I know 2 13 year old girls who have had to move school whilst the boy is considered some sort of hero!!!

There have been naked pictures etc circulating - you need to look at the pressure these boys give the girls and why

Astro55 I totally agree and I mentioned that about social media (Snapchat is the worst for it!) in my first post on this thread.
My DD knows alot more people that I did when I was her age...And it's all thanks to Facebook etc. Sure, I knew people at school obviously and some from primary too who didn't go to the same high school but that was it! Now everyone knows well, everyone!!
I believe there been something aired on the radio recently regarding "sex texting" and "nude photos" being sent over social media and it's urging kids to not do it because it's a form of sexual exploitation. Girl meets boy, he butters her up, she starts to trust him, he asks for "pics". Does he delete them when they fall out or stop talking? No he doesn't! His mates have probably already seen them anyway but then he goes a step further and sends them to other lads (and possibly lasses who don't like the girl in the pictures) and bam! Pictures of a semi naked/naked girl all over social media!! An incident happened by us last year...A girl sent "nudes" to a lad in another school, parents found out, told his school and hers. Police got involved and had to pay visits to both schools. They wanted to know who he sent them to, so all his mates got pulled in etc...
My DD had pics sent to her by a boy, not of him but of a girl who she was quite close to. She sent him pictures, he sent them round including to my daughter and then said that if my daughter told her friend what hed done, then he would tell the girl who's pictures they were that my daughter had posted them all over Facebook! All he wanted to do was cause trouble and this is why teenagers are ruthless these days, arguing over stuff put or said on social media, fighting etc. Plus when pictures are being sent round like that other lads think girls are easy and they have even less respect for them!!

As long as it's not like they will be going on a date to a club then getting a hotel room, I think it will be fine.

If it goes as far as a date, I'd say that a trip to the cinema and a meal (home by 9pm at the latest) one Saturday would be a suitable kind of thing for a 13 and 14 year old as the start of an age-appropriate relationship.

NattyBatty I agree with what you've said but I don't know where you live but kids around our way laugh when you mention going to the cinema for a date. They'd rather hang around in crowds with all their mates and that's as far as a date goes! Although my daughter did go to the cinema with a boy she was in a brief relationship with which I thought was lovely as not many lads that age want to go to the cinema. They broke up after a couple of weeks because he said she was boring because, even though he did like her, she wouldn't go and sit with his mates in a freezing cold shed in someone's back garden while they all smoked pot!

Lanny, in all honestly I'm think back to when I was 13 so yes, it's probably outdated. I wouldn't consider hanging around in a group to be a date, it's just hanging out with friends.

There's a couple in DD year who should get a room the stuff they get up to in corridors!!

I've heard all about how far she'd go.

Two BFF (boys ) had a bet on who could go the furthest with their girl friends - the whole school knew bout it.

Several girls have been cought on the nude pics - some boys have sent dick pics -

It's not about holding hands and a quick cheeky kiss.

I'm telling DD to stay clear for the moment - fine to hang round with boys in a group - she's much safer that way

She respects herself and isn't into being played by the boys

Astro55
Youre spot on again...Things go a lot further a lot sooner these days.
I can remember being 13 and I had my first boyfriend. I wouldn't dare even kiss him incase my Dad found out 😂 and all my friends were saying I was frigid!
But nobody seemed to be in a rush to do things back then and another benefit was not having social media...
If anything DID happen between a young couple then nobody knew really unless they told people.
Nowadays nothing is sacred or secret. It's such a shame!😞
I've heard some awful stories from DD about kids caught getting jiggy with it in the shared toilets at school (most of these "super schools" now don't have single sex toilets)
Drug use in teenagers is massive too...Who in their right mind would sell drugs to children??!!Saying that though, the dealer's don't give a shit as long as they are getting money...😬
I'd love for there to be a documentary made where a group of teenagers have to live for a week or maybe even a month without technology, phones, social media etc and live how we lived...The good old days of using the house phone/local payphone to make arrangements or even getting off our arses and physically going to call for our pals.
They would not know what hit them!
But things were better back then.
My parents got so sick of the constant knocks on the door or the house phone ringing 24/7 as our mates came to call for us/rang us.
I can remember at one point my Dad fitted a door bell just for the upstairs (that's where me and my brother spent much of our teen years!) just so that he didn't have to keep gettin up to answer the door 😂.
I loved it back then, I really did. Our teenagers need to live it like we did.

Drug use and alcohol - there's a couple of kids who regularly go misssing - thanks to police qppleals for their whereabouts - usually end up in A&E having their stomachs pumped.

These are only a year older than DD -

Maybe the notoriety appeals to some - maybe it's doing a good job keeping others away!

one girl went lol the way (apparently) and she was called all the names under the sun by the girls! I asked DD why the girls would do that to a friend? She was so badly bullied she moved schools - The boys didn't turn on the lad in question.

Don't trust them!!