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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS wrecked his room and stormed off to his dads at the weekend

18 replies

kalanala · 24/01/2017 09:54

Hi
Can anyone advise?
At the moment I am feeling like a total failure as a mother.
My ds went ballistic a few days ago because he jumped to the conclusion that me and my partner are trying for a baby.
We are NOT.
He threatened my partner with violence, told me he hates me and never wants to see me again.
He told me he was under the impression that my partner was going to move out. He was at one point because we don't have much space in the house as I also have another younger child who is 7 years old, plus my partner is studying for a degree and thought that perhaps moving out would be best. In the end we decided to stay together and try and work with what we have
Ds says I've lied to him about everything, but in actual fact, I asked his permission before my partner moved in with us and he was fine with it all. I don't know many parents who would ask their teens permission for such a thing but ever the diplomat, I really tried to be fair and take his feeling as first priority.
It was awful. He's smashed up his room, damaged things belonging to my partner and told me I don't talk to or care about him.
We have a tiny house. I share a room with my seven year old and my partner sleeps in the sitting room so that DS can have the biggest room to himself. I've tried to give him as much space as he needs but this has happened and I'm sitting here hating myself.
Some of the things he said were awful .
Can anyone relate?
Id be grateful for any advice here.
Thanks.

OP posts:

Scarydinosaurs · 24/01/2017 10:01

I think with the best intentions, you've communicated to your son that HE is the one in charge, and almost elevated him to a partner role, when he should very much be the child.

How old is DS?

The sleeping arrangements also give mixed messages- your partner is in the living room, your younger son in with you- none of this sounds quite right and it must be confusing for your DS.

How often is DS with his father? Do both go there regularly? What is your relationship like with your ex? Is he supportive?

Original poster

kalanala · 24/01/2017 10:05

My ex is supportive and we get on.
The reason for the sleeping arrangements is because My little one has anxiety issues and will nor sleep alone without me there.Ds is 17 , 18 in a few months time. He goes to his dads regularly. My little one does not belong to my ex husband.

OP posts:

Scarydinosaurs · 24/01/2017 10:09

Is your seven year old the son of your new partner? What are you doing to encourage him into his own room? Or- rather, what room would he go into if he did sleep on his own?

What are teen DS' plans for next year? Will he be in yr 13 or going to uni?

Has your ex been made aware of the damage he has done? What do you think your DS would say is wrong about the set up?

HolisticAssassin · 24/01/2017 10:19

With respect, at nearly 18, he's almost an adult and old enough to start acting like one. What are his plans? Job/college/apprenticeship/uni? If working, is he going to pay you board? I am probably awful but think he should live with his Dad for a bit if he thinks the grass is greener. He can come back when he realises just what you do for him, starts acting his age and not destroying other people's property whether he is angry or not.

Original poster

kalanala · 24/01/2017 10:27

Hi
Thanks scarydinosaurs, well the thing is we only have a two bed flat so I didn't want my oldest son having to share with his little brother as it wouldn't have been fair.
Please don't judge me here or think I'm a tramp but no, my youngest does not belong to my partner but my partner is the only father figure my little one has. DS wants to go to uni but I reckon he's terrified of going out there into the world as an adult now. I've done everything for him you see.He may work with his dad for a bit or go to college but I don't think he knows what to do. He's confused. I've tried to be readily available foe him to talk if he want's but he didn't ever open up to me.
Holisticasassin, thank you for your kind words.You've reassured me.I am constantly doubting myself.
Thank you.

OP posts:

MycatsaPirate · 24/01/2017 10:39

He has the biggest room.
You asked his permission to have your partner move in.

Who is in charge here?

You and your partner should have a bedroom, and the two dc should be sharing a room. If that's not feasible then you'll have to put a sofa bed in the living room for you and your partner.

But the whole set up screams that your ds rules the roost. You admit that you've done everything for him but now is the time to stop. He's nearly 18 and has no plans for the future, can't look after himself, thinks he's in charge at home and is smashing up things belonging to your partner.

I'd talk to your ex and see how you want this to progress but maybe living at his dads for now would be better for everyone. It would certainly give you all a chance to calm down and maybe he needs to learn that it's not all about him!

Catinthecorner · 24/01/2017 11:09

While he's at dads have a reorg at home.

Biggest bedroom is for you and partner. It may take time to fully get there if your youngest needs support but set the home up so that room is for the two of you.

Smaller room is for the two boys to share. Set it up that way.

He's smashed things up? I assume he didn't smash his own valued items? I'd be selling anything along the lines of consoles, etc to replace the broken items belonging to you partner.

Put on your big girl pants and start parenting- he's crying out for it.

Original poster

kalanala · 24/01/2017 11:22

Thank you mycatsapirate and catinthecorner
Yes ill try rearrange things. I have done things the wrong way round here.
Catinthecorner, lol! Yes I reckon I need to put the big pants on now.
I love him so much. Just never wanted to upset him.
Thanks.

OP posts:

Scarydinosaurs · 24/01/2017 11:23

I only asked about the parent of the youngest as I wondered if that was the reason the three of you didn't share? I certainly don't think you're a tramp!

I think your son needs clear boundaries- it would be confusing for you to give him these signals that he is an equal to you, when he isn't old enough or mature enough to make that decision (moving in) and why should he (one person) get a bigger room than you (two or three people).

Is there anyway he can share with his younger brother/you can find a bigger flat?

Is he in yr 13 or yr 12 now? If he is going to uni in September, all of this has a different slant.

Original poster

kalanala · 24/01/2017 11:29

Hi scarydinosaurs
Thank you
Yes he wants to go to uni this year but he's bricking it, we tried to find a bigger place but we can't afford it just now. He'd never share with his brother. It would end up in WW3.
I'm still looking for another place but I cant see it happening as I said its just too expensive
Thanks again
X

OP posts:

LIZS · 24/01/2017 11:32

Does he have more space and freedom at his dad's. Would you maintain his room while at uni or move yourselves in? Was it your family home before p came on the scene, does he contribute to the bills?

HerrenaHarridan · 24/01/2017 11:39

Is the bigger room big enough for you to section off a sieve for your youngest?

Maybe that ikea bed with the 4 poster type arrangement. A step towards independence.

I agree that you son is pushing for a boundary. Give him one.
I wouldn't sell his possessions but I think moving him to the smaller bedroom so that everyone else in the house isn't balanced precariously around him would really help in the long run.

In the short term I recommend a book called how to talk so kids can listen and listen so kids can talk. They do a teen version too

Scarydinosaurs · 24/01/2017 11:44

Has he been accepted onto a university course? Being anxious about going is just par for the course. I think if he is going to be moving out for university, given your lack of space you need to move your partner in with you (big room) and give 7 year old son the smaller room, and work on keeping him in his own room overnight. He is going to struggle with his own place in the family if he doesn't even have his own bedroom/space. Is small one big enough for two beds for when son comes home?

You won't need a bigger place if your elder son moves out.

Original poster

kalanala · 24/01/2017 12:15

He's needing to get the right grades fir uni and they will accept him
He can do it cause he's very clever.
My oldest ds helped out with money sometimes but I never asked him for digs money as he's still at school.
I do want to do the bedroom changing but I just don't want to give off the impression that its ' good riddance' to him.
I have tried to over compensate all his life ans I'm guilty as charged of spoiling him. I guess its cause my first child died and when my ds was born he was poorly and I was terrified of loosing him.
In a nutshell, yes I've molly coddled him.I know I shouldn't have.
LIZS , yes its been our family home for five years now.
Thank you all.

OP posts:

Scarydinosaurs · 24/01/2017 13:51

You've been been worrying about the 'impression' you've given him for years- and look how that's gone...I would say just get on with it. Necessity means you need to accommodate your growing second son, and if he is moved out and at university, you put their rooms together and your second son gets to have a proper room, and you and your partner share a room.

You need to instil some sense of parent-child boundaries. You have nine months until he leaves for uni, they can share for nine months.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 24/01/2017 14:19

Time for some changes I think as pp have said.
If he has to have his own room that means he can have the living room, he's the one being difficult. Either that or he shares with his brother.
Why on earth did you ask permission from a teenagers for who can move into YOUR house. You need to set some boundaries and show him that his behaviour is unacceptable and there are consequences when someone is violent, aggressive and disrespectful. Your OH has done well to put up with this. Your teenager does not get to dictate your life choices. So what if you were trying for a baby? None of his business!

Original poster

kalanala · 24/01/2017 15:46

Thank you scarydinosaurs and gooseyloosey
Xx

OP posts:

swingofthings · 24/01/2017 15:55

How long have you been with your partner and how do they get along? You statement that you asked your DS about him moving could be an indication that you were not totally sure he would agree. Could it be that your DS does not like your OH and is only being polite about it all? I remember my mum asking me when I was 15 if I was ok with her marrying my SD. I wanted to scream 'no, I don't want you to, you're another person around him, and one who I don't like. He is selfish, flippant, and I don't feel I can relax when he is around', but instead I put a big huge smile and said 'of course'. In the end, I knew that there was no other response to give as telling her the truth would have hurt her feelings and then would have put her in an manageable position.

I'm wondering whether your DS was rehearsing at the thought of him moving out, and then went beserk when you backtracked on the decision, convincing himself that worse, you wanted a baby from him so that he would then be a definite fixture in your life.

Sorry if I'm way of the mark, but thought I would bring it up, just in case it does resonate something.

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