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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Would you discipline?

16 replies

Mummyme83 · 22/01/2017 19:37

My very nearly 13 year old DD is a good girl
, she is good in school and she does as she's told (after some moaning) but lately she has stopped socialising with girls out of school and has been 'seeing' a boy and his friends. She said they are more fun and like to play whereas the girls just like to shop and chat. Yesterday she told me they got kicked out of the library and 2 shops, and the same again today but was a coffee shop. It's al stupid behaviour, talking too loudly, putting feet on the table, playing with books etc how would you discipline this? If I say she can't see them how will I be sure? Surely she will just continue and just not tell me? Or is it 'normal' preteen behaviour ? I've told her if I ever get a call from shops or police she is grounded and will no longer be able to see these boys but when is enough?
Thank you

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Cleebope · 22/01/2017 23:10

Sounds like pretty anti social behaviour to me. Are they doing it straight after school? I would ground her already and make her come straight home. On the plus side she is talking to you and telling you the truth . Maybe a serious conversation would work, no money etc. Are you seriously going to wait until the police ring?

Original poster

Mummyme83 · 23/01/2017 18:56

I have had serious conversations but she assures me she isn't doing anything wrong but she is with them as they are. I have told her that that won't matter when they are told off but she wants to be their friend.

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Timetogetup0630 · 24/01/2017 04:22

If she is only 12 I would want to know who she was hanging out with.
You need to meet these boys.

TheMasterNotMargarita · 24/01/2017 05:09

It's tough.
It doesn't matter if she is only there with them. What happens if they actually damage property or start vandalising, throwing verbal abuse? It's sounds as though they have little respect, it isn't "just messing".
I just finished reading The girls next door and it's about a teenage girl who charged with murder after just being there when someone is stabbed and killed. Not sure she's old enough to read it but it would be a powerful message for her.
DD is only 9 but I'm trying to teach her to be brave when others are doing wrong and not condone it even when it's her friends.
Maybe you could host them at your place for a bit so you get a feel for the dynamic with them?
You have my sympathies I'm dreading the teenage years.

TataEs · 24/01/2017 06:06

tbh i'd leave it for now.
groups of loud teenage kids get a bad rep. they are douche bags for sure. feet on seats and messing with books isn't a crime tho, they were told off and chucked out, you've spoken to her about why that sort of behaviour isn't appropriate. there's a sign in nearly every newsagent window here saying no more than 2 school children allowed in at any time. they're treated pretty badly imo and pulled up for any tiny infraction because it's seen as ok to do so by the wider community.
if they are stealing, vandalising, or being aggressive or abusive to people then yeah step in.
but if you come down hard now you're not gonna know as she'll never tell u as she'll know you'll just ground her and try and stop her seeing her friends.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 24/01/2017 06:13

They'd have to be pretty disruptive to get kicked out of a coffee shop and shops. I'd want to know exactly who she was hanging out with.

misshelena · 24/01/2017 18:14

Yes, I would put a stop to her hanging with these boys. Very troublesome behavior. And is she the only girl among the group of boys? Even more troublesome. She is 12, you are in charge. Make sure you explain to her the potential consequences of such antisocial behavior, so she knows that you are not just out to make her life hard.

Ilovecaindingle · 24/01/2017 18:16

Invite them for tea. If she knows they are bad /if they know they are - it won't happen. If they turn up then you can make better judgment.

Original poster

Mummyme83 · 25/01/2017 10:07

Thank you for your replies. I have met her boyfriend who does seem quite nice. I must admit I'm not the best judge of character as I try and see the best in everyone. He was polite and respectful, he didn't come in the house until I invited him in, he wouldn't go upstairs with my daughter until I said it was ok, and he had nice manners. Although I'm aware this may be for my benefit. He also seemed a bit odd 😳, I asked him what his parents did and he said he didn't know. Again perhaps he was just shy and was none of my business 😏 but he always answer with 'I don't know' 'I don't mind' which is maybe a teenage thing....
she won't be going into town for a while as we are busy, and have family over so I can see how she is next time 🙂

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mumontherun14 · 25/01/2017 18:18

Hey you have my sympathies. I have a teenage son the same age who has started high school and wants to hang out all the time in town at the weekends with a group which is ever expanding with kids we don't know from other schools - girls and boys. I have tried inviting them up to ours which he doesn't want and offering to take them places (shopping or cinema) which again has been politely declined. I know his own group are nice boys but they seem to be mixing with a group from another high school and the girls are constantly instagramming him. He is not that mature and I just feel really worried all the time about him and feel like I am constantly checking up on him and quizzing him which is probably not great. I think you are right to book in some family events and things to maybe give her a break from them for a bit and see if you can maybe find out a bit more about the boy through other friends. Its a minefield - if you pry too much you lose their trust but at the same time I want him to stay safe and not end up in trouble xxxx

Original poster

Mummyme83 · 25/01/2017 18:32

Thank you mumontherun, isn't it so difficult!! At the moment DD trusts me and I so desperately don't want to lose that. Unfortunately today has taken another wrong turn and this boy has been kicked out of school. DD isn't sure why, he told her he punched a teacher but the head of year said that that's not why he was kicked out. She said it was for the meantime but couldnt say too much.
I spoke to my daughter about it and said is that really someone she wanted to date? All she said was 'it won't be forever, he's nice to me and fun, and I won't let his behaviour effect mine'. I am so torn, at the moment I have said she can still see him after school but not at weekends. I know I sound so soft and stupid, but all I think is she could be with a good student who treats her like dirt or this boy who is nice to her. But time will tell I suppose. I have warned her if I hear anything bad she has done then that is it. But as I can't physically stop her seeing him I don't want to push her more towards him, she needs to make some mistakes and hopefully see he's not the 'right' guy and this may help her with future choices in boys.... otherwise will I just push her more towards the 'bad' ones.... or am I encouraging it by letting it continue with boundaries?!? 😩

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Crumbs1 · 25/01/2017 18:37

I think it's unacceptable for children of that age to be 'hanging around' without adult supervision or any purpose. It leads to feckless, irresponsible behaviour and loosens parental control just when parents need to assert their control. If you are letting them 'hang out' how on earth do you know what is going on? I would stop that friendship. The child is 12 why are you talking about dating?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 25/01/2017 18:43

I agree with crumbs

booellesmum · 25/01/2017 18:55

Firstly I am really impressed she told you - she didn't have to tell you.
That is great and opens the door for conversation about what is acceptable behaviour and what you expect from her.
I would be inclined not to punish her - she knows what they did was wrong and has admitted it. If you go overboard will she think twice about telling when something goes wrong next time?
Having said that she does need boundaries and needs to know that if she gets into trouble you will not be able to trust her as you do now - and discuss consequences with her so she is very clear about what you expect.

Original poster

Mummyme83 · 25/01/2017 18:57

I dated at 11 crumbs. When I say date and boyfriend it is a loose term. I have already told her she isn't going to be going into town anymore to hang around, but as I don't know this boys background, perhaps home isn't good or there is an underlying issue I feel I shouldn't just say stop the friendship! As having had experienced kids being isolated (not myself) I can also see how sad it can be for the child who has behavioural problems and everyone turns there back on them. Saying that, as I don't know him he may just be a little .... but he's a child and yes she's my daughter but I have always instilled treat equally and treat as you are treated. As long as the anti social behaviour that she is getting caught up in stops then I feel 'seeing' this boy under supervision may be the best step forward at the moment, otherwise I risk her lying to me to see him anyway, and I do not want that.

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Original poster

Mummyme83 · 25/01/2017 19:00

Thank you booellesmum, I am so appreciative of our relationship as I never had that with my mum. I couldn't speak to her about anything. I am desperate to keep the trust she has in me and so in return have to trust her. Parents evening next week so that will also give me the chance to speak to her teachers.
I will speak to her again tonight when her younger sisters have gone to bed and make sure we are both on the same page regarding the consequences.

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