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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds wants to go to NYE party, we are worried!

60 replies

Meatycankles · 21/12/2016 19:50

A WWYD really. We have booked to go away as a family for new year, but just turned 17 year old DD now wants to go out with her friends for new year.
We were happy to let her stay with a friends parent, if they were happy to have her. However, the story keeps changing as to what she is doing. The latest thing is that she and the friend she's staying with are going to a party of someone she doesn't really know, a friend of a friend, about 30 miles from home. They say everybody is sleeping over. I know there will be drink and some of them smoke weed too. I'm very uncomfortable with this as I don't know the person whose party it is, and if it goes tits up we are about 200 miles away and not able to simply come and get her. I'm concerned that there will be no taxis on NYE, and if the parent of the girl she is staying with gets called out to get them, I'm relying on him not having had a drink at new year, which is a big ask.
I have said I want the number of the parents of the girl having the party, as well as the number of the girls parents who she's staying with, but apparently I'm making a big fuss and all the other parents are cool about it. She thinks she knows everything and is very street smart but she really isn't, and I'm worried she'll get herself into a situation she can't handle. WWYD?

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 21/12/2016 19:51

Let her go. She's nearly an adult & its NYE.

AChickenCalledKorma · 21/12/2016 20:00

If she's not sensible enough to understand why you would want to have contact numbers for the parents, then I would have to conclude she's not sensible enough to realise she might need an exit strategy if things get out of hand. On that basis, it would be a no from me.

(My view might be coloured by the fact that I met a lady last week whose 17yo son died as a result of being persuaded to take something dodgy in very similar circumstances. And the fact they didn't really know where he was, or who he was with, was a contributing factor. )

Original poster
Meatycankles · 21/12/2016 20:02

I know, I know, but she has a habit of getting herself into situations where she's out of her depth, and then calls me to come and get her. Which is annoying but I'd prefer to pick her up than leave her. But I won't be able to this time.

OP posts:
Dozer · 21/12/2016 20:03

17 is almost an adult, she could leave home in the near future, I would let her go.

Original poster
Meatycankles · 21/12/2016 20:03

Sorry that was to the first poster!

OP posts:
lljkk · 21/12/2016 20:05

I think I am in the camp of thinking I would tell her...

"Okay, I don't want your company if you don't want mine, anyway. I trust you to be sensible & not do anything stupid. But could you give me a phone number or address will you'll be so that I know where to start looking if you never come home. Do you need any information about birth control, by the way?"

That message ("I expect you to take responsibility for the stupid things you might do") would work with my DC.

Original poster
Meatycankles · 21/12/2016 20:05

That is my worry, she is only just 17, and she is very easily influenced, she's not as streetwise as some of the other kids.

OP posts:
lljkk · 21/12/2016 20:07

xpost... so I would tell her that I'm not coming home early under any circumstances. So if she ends up with a night in hospital or jail on her own, that's her decision how she got there. I know a criminal justice person who always says leave anyone who ends up in jail there for at least 3 days... it's long enough to make them extremely cooperative (about never going back) when they finally come out.

(Maybe you can see why DC would give me the sodding address & phone number)

BITCAT · 21/12/2016 20:07

I would be concerned too. 17 is still a child..not legally able to drink. And in my house it's my rules or it doesn't happen regardless. You don't suddenly stop caring because there nearly an adult. Does she pay her way or are you still covering everything??

lljkk · 21/12/2016 20:08

ha! more xposts. OP, do you think she WANTS you to say no because she wants that hard boundary enforced, she finds it too hard to say no herself?

AndNowItsSeven · 21/12/2016 20:11

No I wouldn't let her go 17 may be nearly N adult , that doesn't mean they are.

Original poster
Meatycankles · 21/12/2016 20:11

I'm worrying mostly about her having a few drinks and being vulnerable to either drugs or predatory types. She is so easily influenced.

OP posts:
AChickenCalledKorma · 21/12/2016 20:16

Those sound like very legitimate worries to me and you know what the risks are far better than she does. Say no. Or at least say no unless you get a LOT more reassurance about what the plans are, who is in charge and what she plans to do if she gets into trouble. If she can't get her head around that, she's not mature enough to keep herself safe.

Crumbs1 · 21/12/2016 20:19

Definite no. She is still a child.

Bobkinyoyo · 21/12/2016 20:21

Legally nearly an adult maybe but she's still living with you so you get to make the rules.

I lived with my mum til I was 24 and I still used to let her know where I was and what time I was going to be home. That is part of being a mature adult.

Scribblegirl · 21/12/2016 20:24

I spent the New Years that I was 17 at a party. The guy I liked was there and we went for a walk and he told me he liked me too. Some people were smoking weed but I just stuck to booze. Stayed up until about 3 and then crashed in the barn - it was a fantastic night. The party was about an hour's drive from my parents house and my mum didn't know the parents of the guy - he was a school friend of the gang I was in in college.

Now I know that all DC are different, and I know that you know your DD best. But all I'm saying is a) that people do it and b) that these are the sort of memories that build you! I look back with a smile on that party, over a decade later Smile

This may also be a controversial view but I think there are worse things than a puff or two of weed at NYE when you're 17. The following year I may have partaken and I'm a home owning, Russell Group educated, professional 28 year old woman Grin

I fully accept I do not have 17 year old DC though!

BITCAT · 21/12/2016 20:26

Bobkinyoyo what you said!!
I've just managed to get my 18yo ds1 to understand letting me know when he is staying at his gf. It's not so I can keep tabs on him..it's just so I can sleep knowing he is OK and safe.
On the flip side I have a 15yo dd1 and she is far more mature than him. I don't need to ask she always let's me know.

BITCAT · 21/12/2016 20:29

I know it's wrong but you do tend to worry more about daughters than sons. I try not to treat them different but it does sneak in there occasionally.

Original poster
Meatycankles · 21/12/2016 20:31

I know, I was 17 once, I just think since that girl was raped by the footballer I won't name, I've become very concerned about people looking for pissed up girls they can take advantage of. And if she has no one nearby to call to pick her up what will happen? I don't know the girl who is having the party, or who will be there. It's not like I know who she's with. Honestly, she is very intelligent but not known for her common sense. And that's before a few glasses of wine.

OP posts:
Bobkinyoyo · 21/12/2016 20:34

Exactly bitcat

I just don't understand this "they're an adult so you have no right to know where they are or what they're doing"

It's just common courtesy (and frankly common sense) to let the people you live with know where you are and what time you expect to return. That's true whether you're 17 or 70.

Bobkinyoyo · 21/12/2016 20:35

OP my dsis is 19. No common sense and drinks way too much on nights out. I worry about her all the time. I do not think yabu.

BITCAT · 21/12/2016 20:37

Meaty I think mosthe teenagers forget we were once their age. They think we were born this age..I remember it well and I know I wouldn't have been allowed to go to a party knowing there's drink or drugs, at 17. Is there anyone you can ask that she could call on if needed, that's nearby..it nice to allow theme some trust and freedom but you have to weigh it up with safety in mind too.

Thingscanonlygetbetter41 · 21/12/2016 20:38

I'd be more worried the party might be in your house!

user1482343889 · 21/12/2016 20:42

Go to NY with her

BITCAT · 21/12/2016 20:42

Yanbu your being a caring normal parent of a teenager who is stuck between child and adult atm. Nothing wrong with wanting your child to be safe regardless of age.
It really is a minefield parenting almost adult children, there's no right or wrong way. You just have to do what you feel is right and what you are comfortable with. You don't want to spend your time away, worrying about your dd.

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