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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Ds wants to go to NYE party, we are worried!

60 replies

Meatycankles · 21/12/2016 19:50

A WWYD really. We have booked to go away as a family for new year, but just turned 17 year old DD now wants to go out with her friends for new year.
We were happy to let her stay with a friends parent, if they were happy to have her. However, the story keeps changing as to what she is doing. The latest thing is that she and the friend she's staying with are going to a party of someone she doesn't really know, a friend of a friend, about 30 miles from home. They say everybody is sleeping over. I know there will be drink and some of them smoke weed too. I'm very uncomfortable with this as I don't know the person whose party it is, and if it goes tits up we are about 200 miles away and not able to simply come and get her. I'm concerned that there will be no taxis on NYE, and if the parent of the girl she is staying with gets called out to get them, I'm relying on him not having had a drink at new year, which is a big ask.
I have said I want the number of the parents of the girl having the party, as well as the number of the girls parents who she's staying with, but apparently I'm making a big fuss and all the other parents are cool about it. She thinks she knows everything and is very street smart but she really isn't, and I'm worried she'll get herself into a situation she can't handle. WWYD?

OP posts:

BITCAT · 21/12/2016 20:46

Op is she going with a group of friends??

Original poster

Meatycankles · 21/12/2016 21:00

It keeps changing who else is going to be there at the party. She doesn't really know this girl, she says there are people going she knows, but I don't know who else will be there.
I had to pick her up early only just last night from a disco where she wasn't happy, as it "was all a bit intense" apparently.

OP posts:

Isadora2007 · 21/12/2016 21:08

No. it sounds like the plans are not final and so the risk is they keep changing and she ends up somewhere she doesn't know and stranded.
She needs to be given some freedom though to become more streetwise and given that trust with boundaries so she can learn and build on them.
Can't she get her local friends to have something together?

KindDogsTail · 21/12/2016 21:16

I think your worries are real.

RFHrules · 21/12/2016 23:02

I think that it's wise from a safety point of view to let someone know where you are going to be and with whom, whether you're 17 or 47 or 77. And on NYE, when taxis are like hens' teeth, you need to make robust arrangements to get to where you'll be sleeping whatever your age.

BITCAT · 21/12/2016 23:12

Given what you have just said..my answer would be a definately no.

AChickenCalledKorma · 22/12/2016 10:04

Does she have any suggestions for what she will do if this party is "all a bit intense"? Any chance you can get her to recognise for herself that she may not enjoy being stuck there with no prospect of a lift home ... and then bribe her with something lovely you can all do together if she comes with her family.

leonardthelemming · 22/12/2016 11:23

17 is almost an adult, she could leave home in the near future

Actually, she could leave home now. In fact, she could have left home a year ago, although technically she would need parental permission for this.

17 is still a child..not legally able to drink

It's legal to drink alcohol from age 5 in a private house. And it really isn't helpful to think of a 17-year-old as a child. Some government departments define anyone under 18 as a child but that's more so they can benefit from child protection legislation.

But I share your concern. And this comment:

I still used to let her know where I was and what time I was going to be home. That is part of being a mature adult.

Is spot on. As long as she is living with you it's just courtesy.

But then, the outcome of the Gillick case of 1985 was that parental rights should be transfered to the child as and when they become mature enough to take responsibility for their own decisions. It would be hard to justify saying no to a 17-year-old, I think. And this...

So if she ends up with a night in hospital or jail on her own

is a very valid point. At 17, she can be interviewed by the police without a parent present.

I would throw the ball back into her court. Get her to do a risk assessment - consider everything that might go wrong and come up with a plan. If she has had recent "incidents" it should be easier. Then go through it with her. Make additional suggestions, in a "have you considered this" kind of way. Emphasize you are just concerned for her safety and not trying to stop her having fun. Make sure she has some emergency funds - hidden somewhere it's unlikely to be stolen.

It's all in the planning. I've had to do loads of risk assessments and I used to hate them at first - they seemed so finicky. But I soon realised that by anticipating problems in advance they never actually materialized and everything went much more smoothly.

ChocoChou · 22/12/2016 11:36

Hmmm from your updates I would say a firm no. She obviously isn't quite at the stage where she can handle a full on intense teenage raucous party just yet... everyone is different and she's just not there yet if only last night she needed you to come to collect her!

garlicandsapphire · 22/12/2016 13:44

I'd let her go. She is 17 and if she understands you aren't there to rescue her will also realise that she needs to stand on her own two feet and looks after herself. When will she learn otherwise? Just talk to her about 'girl code' and her and her friend looking out for each other. My DD went to reading for 4 days and did very well looking after lots of other people, (lost money, too much drink and drugs) whilst still managing to have a great time...

Besides, she might have fun! Which is what being young is all about. (And making a few mistakes).

Original poster

Meatycankles · 22/12/2016 14:58

It now turns out that she isn't invited to this party, but the friend she is planning on staying with is invited. She has texted her friend to see if she can still stay for NYE but it's all gone quiet the other end.
I feel a bit sorry for her, but she's now saying she's going to try another one of her friends. I think the other friend will be doing something with her boyfriend so she will be a bit of a gooseberry. She really doesn't want to lose face by saying she might be coming with us I think, and won't climb down. How do I help?

OP posts:

faffalotty · 22/12/2016 15:12

I would think that it is almost certain that there will not be any parents at the party.

She may not be allowed in, if she doesn't really know the person. and could end up stranded in the middle of nowhere.
Or the party could be crashed by people who hear about it online.

Certainly going to be unidentifiable booze and drugs.

I wouldn't want to be 200 miles away!

BITCAT · 22/12/2016 17:25

Meaty not being nosey..but is your relationship with dd fairly good. I would sit her down and talk with her make sure you make it clear that she is still very welcome to come with you and that you would like her to come. Tell her that you have no problem with her partying with friends but you want her to be safe..and happy at the same time.

GeorgeTheThird · 22/12/2016 17:33

Make it clear you would really really like her to come, so she can save face by "doing it for you"?

Sundance2741 · 23/12/2016 00:03

It sounds like she's desperately trying to feel grown up and part of her peer group, when really there's nothing on offer in this case. Can you find a way of helping her to back down and stick with you?

And I totally agree that it is only fair to let the people you live with know where you are and who you're with. I tell my dd 16 this quite often. She's not mature for her age and thinks she wants to do things her peer do but really she feels out of her depth quite often.

specialsubject · 23/12/2016 20:41

Track record of cocking up and very easily influenced.

No.

museumum · 23/12/2016 20:46

I feel for her. She wants to party with folk her own age but hasn't been invited and doesn't have close enough friends to hang with.

I'd probably put her out of her misery by insisting she comes with you. She can tell her friends you were unreasonable and forced her.

titchy · 23/12/2016 20:58

Agree make her come with you. You/she could perhaps couch it as the last NYE before she's an adult and doing her own thing...

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2016 20:59

Ah, mines 19 and I've had this, you need to let her go. As long as I had her friends mobile numbers I was comfortable. And yes, I was the embarrassing parent who would call and text her friends if she didn't respond to me, and yes I set rules on her texting me in terms of when and how often and she was fine,

When she was younger, below 16, I simply said fine I shall email the other parents and the story suddenly changed, I once also caught her in a lie at 15 and then literally turned the car round and made her stay home for New Years, but at 17 you pretty much can't control it, in a year she will be possibly leaving home for uni and it's the ones who had no freedom who rebel the worst and have major problems.

For interest, she's now 19, in second year of uni and still texts me she got back ok and is home, which means I get texts at four in the morning most weeks. But I like waking up and seeing it and knowing she is ok, and if I wake up in the middle of the night and I haven't had the text i worry and have been known to text her and ask if she's ok. Yes, at four in the morning. 😂

I would let her go, but make sure i had her friends numbers and make sure she knows when to text me, it is hard though,

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2016 21:00

Sorry, just saw the update, agree with the other posters, force her to come with you, so she can save face.

garlicandsapphire · 23/12/2016 21:18

Really. Its fine - if her friend is invited. As a teenager I went to so many parties which we weren't invited to. I hardly ever was. She'll be fine. Really no drama. If you stop her she'll feel like you ruined her life. Thats how it feels when you're a teenager. Trust. Responsibility. 17. Growing up. Dont treat her like a child. Make her be responsible for herself.

Jay2188 · 23/12/2016 21:25

She's 17, I know it may be hard, I'm scared for that day when it comes as my girl is only 9, back on subject just let her go if she gets in trouble she'll have to get her own way out of it you can't be there for the rest of her life or control it to degree where nothing bad happens... live and let live my friend

NewNNfor2017 · 23/12/2016 21:29

I had to pick her up early only just last night from a disco where she wasn't happy, as it "was all a bit intense" apparently.

Well no, you didn't have to. By rescuing her from situations that are different from how she expected and prepared for, you are robbing her of the opportunity to develop resilience and coping strategies.

She's 17. If she's still calling mummy to come and get her when she's out of her depth, either she's mixing with the wrong crowd, or she has never had the chance to learn the skills needed to cope.
Assuming that she is NT, then she needs to learn, quick. You can't bail her out at work or uni and at this stage, I think you might need to apply some tough love in order to prepare her for adult life.

titchy · 23/12/2016 21:48

I'd say leaving a situation which makes you uncomfortable is the best coping strategy there is. No one needs to build resilience to deal with shitty parties where everyone is mainlining heroin.

Whether your mode of leaving-transport is a lift from mum or Uber is irrelevant...

NewNNfor2017 · 23/12/2016 22:10

No one needs to build resilience to deal with shitty parties where everyone is mainlining heroin

Hence my comment about mixing with the wrong crowd.

leaving dangerous or illegal activity is one thing, calling your mum to leave an uncomfortable situation another.
The OPs DD may find herself in workplaces, flatshares or on public transport which leave her feeling uncomfortable - she can't run away from them all, and certainly can't call mummy to rescue her.

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