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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Disagreeing with dh about dd

40 replies

Purplecarpet · 02/12/2016 19:11

I am stressing myself out over dd17 and mostly at the moment, her messing about at college. I know I shouldn't get worked up over such trivial things, but I do.
She scraped through AS levels in summer and just doesn't want to be there so is doing as little as she can get away with. I've had enough of her being late for classes and being contacted by them each time she is late and worrying that she isn't doing enough work. She has applied for a few jobs and is waiting to hear the outcomes and that's the way forward I think but this is where I disagree with dh. The way things are, she is wasting everyone's time at college and I think she might as well just leave and try to get a job, which is what she wants to do. But dh is insisting that she stays right up until she gets a job.
I agree that I don't want her lying in bed all day and I wouldn't be funding her social life or anything but I dont think there is any point in her continuing. As long as she helps out at home and seriously tries to get a job, I think I'd let her leave now.
Am I wrong?

OP posts:

milpool · 02/12/2016 19:14

Why are they contacting you when she's late? Surely the issue is between them and her?

I guess if she left then she'd have more time to be actively looking for work. Could do other stuff, get a volunteer job while she looks for paid work etc.

OohhThatsMe · 02/12/2016 19:20

Is she at a college? There should be someone there in charge of apprenticeships - might that be an idea? There doesn't seem to be anything for that age group except college or apprenticeships.

The fact is that if she struggled to get a good grade at AS and if she's bored and demotivated now, she may well end up failing her A levels altogether. I'd do whatever it took to avoid that.

Original poster

Purplecarpet · 02/12/2016 19:31

Its a 6th form college but there is no one there dedicated to apprenticeships, as far as I know. I'm sure there is a careers person but they just seem to be for the kids moving on after completing their A levels.

I don't think she will get as far as A levels though as she will keep applying for apprenticeships, so I think she might as well leave now.
milpool volunteering is a good idea if she left.
I just wish dh was on the same page as me.

OP posts:

specialsubject · 02/12/2016 21:28

How about she stops playing sillybuggers and comes up with a plan? OK, so college isn't for her and she needs to leave (she will be pissing everyone else off) - fine, what is the way forward?

Original poster

Purplecarpet · 02/12/2016 22:49

Her plan is to get an apprenticeship and leave, which we all agree is for the best. But dh and I don't agree on what happens till she gets a job. I think she might as well leave now and he thinks she should stay till she starts work. Dd would leave now happily. That's the issue - stay or wait.

OP posts:

Original poster

Purplecarpet · 03/12/2016 07:35

Stay or leave, that should have said.

OP posts:

ofudginghell · 03/12/2016 07:40

Of course she's happy to leave now as it means she gets some time out before starting a job.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but I have an 18 year old ds who we have had similar with.
He got to the end of a one year apprenticeship he took on straight from leaving school as I told him it was important to finish it as colleges don't look to kindly on students that swap around a lot and don't make the effort when they are there.
There will be somebody she can contact via the college and arrange to meet them to discuss options and depending on your area a suitable placement could be available fairly quickly.
What doesn't she like about what she's doing and what does she want to do an apprenticeship in?

Inthenick · 03/12/2016 07:41

I agree with your DH. I'd want my daughter to stay doing her classes etc until she has a job sorted.

ofudginghell · 03/12/2016 07:45

Also just a thought here but I know my ds found the change over from school to college quite hard.
Suddenly being out in a more adult based environment and having to motivate themselves is very hard at that age.
My ds wasn't keen on school so couldn't wait to get into the working world which is why he chose an apprentiship however it was a nightmare as he wasn't mature enough to deal with the demands and pace of full time long hours and an all adult environment

He's now in his second year back in education doing a really good course and he has a part time job to fund his extras and car. Could this not be an option for your daughter?

HardcoreLadyType · 03/12/2016 07:51

I agree with your DH, I think.

If she really hates college, it will give her more impetus to look for something else.

What does she actually want to do? Does she have a sector she wants to work in?

If you are tired of being the parent that the school liaises with, maybe DH could become their main point of contact to give you a break from it? (Wouldn't blame you. Who really has any control over the actions of a 17yo?)

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 03/12/2016 07:56

We were in this position with ds1 last year. He did very little work in lower 6th and was very demotivated. He did better-than-expected at AS (got ABCD) which we hoped might spur him on at A2. However, in the autumn term of A2 he missed lesson after lesson, we had constant emails from the college about late /non attendance and he kept saying how bored and demotivated he was. From about February he just stopped going to college altogether. He technically stayed at college until the A levels but failed them as he hadn't attended classes.

After taking his A levels he went and got a job and changed from a depressed, angry teenager who stayed in bed almost constantly to a (mostly) mature and lovely young man who is a pkeasure to live with. In retropect he probably should have dropped out and got a job. One of the reasons we wanted him to stay in college and take his A levels was that we wanted him to have every opportunity to do so. I disagreed with dh about it initially, I thought he hould just leave and get a job, rather than lying in bed all day. Dh hoped ds might have a change of heart, get his act together and catch up on the work he'd missed. I think we made a mistake and just prolonged the misery for 6 months!

If your dd definitely wants to get a job rather than do her A levels then I'd probably let her, and not force her to stay on at college. She's better off using her time to search for a job whilst dhes motivsted. In the run up to Christmas she might find a temporary job that could lead to something permanent, or at least would give her work experience. Are you in an area where there are good employmemt opportunities? Where we live, employers are crying out for good workers. Ds managed to walk into a job straight away, despite not having A levels or any paid work. He now takes home £1500 pcm, really enjoys his job, and is much happier.

I hope it works out for your dd.

PlumsGalore · 03/12/2016 07:57

I agree she should stay until she has an apprenticeship to start, unless she has some employment already to keep keep occupied. So if she works in Tesco on a Saturday and they could offer extra shifts whilst looking for the apprenticeships ok, if she does nothing at the moment, then no, she stays.

ExitPursuedBySantaSpartacus · 03/12/2016 07:59

She should stay until she has a job to go to.

Original poster

Purplecarpet · 03/12/2016 09:10

Thanks for all the comments. She has been applying for admin jobs and is waiting to hear from a couple so fingers crossed. She is not bothered which area she works in tbh, as long as she gets some money and experience.
But she has decided that she wants to leave and get a job so I can't see the point of her continuing at college. Dh thinks she will lie in bed all day and he's not having that".
I just wish I could stop stressing about it all 😬

OP posts:

Dozer · 03/12/2016 09:13

I agree with your DH.

Dozer · 03/12/2016 09:13

YANBU to stress: the situation sounds serious.

GeorgeTheThird · 03/12/2016 09:17

I agree with your DH, if you let her leave the chances are she will do bugger all. She's more likely to try properly to get a job if she can't leave college until she has one. Doesn't she need to be eighteen to leave college anyway?

Original poster

Purplecarpet · 03/12/2016 09:18

Thanks Dozer. I know in the grand scheme of things it's not really serious, but I always blow things way out of proportion, and make myself ill in the process.

OP posts:

ChuckGravestones · 03/12/2016 09:20

Dh thinks she will lie in bed all day and he's not having that".

I agree with him - she needs to come up with her own plan on what she will be doing in the meantime though. Stop stressing and put it over to her.

Original poster

Purplecarpet · 03/12/2016 09:21

George yes they are supposed to stay in education or have an apprenticeship with elements of education till they are 18 but in reality, they can leave and nobody seems bothered. They just don't get any benefits.

OP posts:

Reality16 · 03/12/2016 09:23

But she has decided that she wants to leave and get a job so I can't see the point of her continuing at college.. The point is it will be easier for her to get a job if she is already doing something. It will encourage her to look for a job as she dislikes college so much. She is learning while she is there. If she drops out all she is learning is to be a quitter. She may enjoy the free time and lazy days and be lax about looking for a job. You may end up with a teen that spends all day every day moping about moaning about how bad her life is, whilst doing nothing to fix it.

It's a no brainier. Of course she should stay at college.

EllaHen · 03/12/2016 09:24

What about signing up with temping agencies? Build up experience in different industries.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 03/12/2016 09:25

I agree with your DH. Just say "you can leave as soon as you have a job confirmed".
College hours are hardly strenuous, especially if she's not doing any work etc. She will have holidays at Christmas etc and she can pursue it then as well. It doesn't take that long to fill out application forms etc.

Original poster

Purplecarpet · 03/12/2016 09:28

Yes but whilst she is at college she is not paying attention/participating in classes so I think she is wasting the teachers time.

Thanks for all the comments. They are helping me a lot 😊

OP posts:

CauliflowerSqueeze · 03/12/2016 09:28

What your husband doesn't want is her lolling around watching Homes Under the Hammer and snapping about how she's already applied for a job 3 weeks ago last Wednesday and is waiting to hear back.

My friend's son never bothered finding a job really - he does a couple of shifts a week at a petrol station and the rest of the time he's playing video games. He's 25. It's comfy and warm and nice at home with his parents. He's only asked for £50 a month as "rent" and all his laundry is done and meals on the table. Why bother? Things need to be uncomfortable for change to happen. If she wants a job she can get one but I agree with your DH, if she doesn't she will just take root on the sofa (as all teens would given the chance!!)

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