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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Kicking out a 19 year old

21 replies

TrickiVicki123 · 19/11/2016 10:19

I'm in a horrible dilemma and really need advice. My oldest son 19 treats me horrendously. I'm a single mum and try to do the best for all my children. It's not all the time but certainly every couple of weeks I find myself at loggerheads with the eldest this time it was over rent. He works full time and feels he should only pay me £30 a week. I am currently not working due to having a lung obstruction and receiving lots of medication I'm also my 15 year olds full time carer. Last night I was called a fat c*, told I should be in hospital to go for in there and all the usual even being shouted oi at when I ignored him. His usual is punching the doors or breaking something. I'm at the end of my tether I hate to kick him out but I just can't take it off him anymore. I worry what he will do if I was just to kick him out or whether there's another option. Id be grateful for any advice xx

OP posts:

StillMedusa · 20/11/2016 23:30

Well at 19 he is an adult.. if you kick him out he can go to the council and declare himself homeless... best scenario is he might get a B+B type room somewhere.. where he will have to pay a lot more rent than he is now.

I have a 19 year old ..he works part time (a miracle in itself as he is autistic with learning difficulties) and he pays me £160 a month willingly..he would pay more if I asked him but he is no trouble. My eldest also paid £160 a month but is currently off travelling for a year... I consider that amount to be pretty low, and your son is paying even less.

If you can have a calm conversation..lay it on the line. Find out local private rents and make it clear that he has two options... to pay whatever is a reasonable compromise or he has a month to find somewhere else to live. It's not his fault if you are not working but he should be prepared to pay a reasonable amount if he is earning a decent wage.

And if he punches the doors... he needs to fix them ..or again.. he's out. My eldest punched through walls a few times as a nasty teen (he's fab now) and he had to learn how to fill and repair walls!

Longdistance · 20/11/2016 23:34

Yep.

Kick him out.

He'll get some lessons on growing up and paying bills.

It'll probably be the best thing for him.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 20/11/2016 23:48

I don't think a 19 year old will be given a B and B place on the council.

I don't know what the answer is but I think kicking a teen-ager out of the family home can make things much, much worse. You'd like to think it will make them appreciate home and make them a man etc but actually I think it makes them incredibly vulnerable.

On the other hand it's not acceptable for you to put up with violence in your home. Can you find out exactly what is pissing him off so much? Is his dad on the scene at all? Any way he'd go for family counseling?

Ilovehedgehogs · 20/11/2016 23:53

I think he needs to go, to give you both some space to repair your relationship.
I have a 19 year old and two other teenagers, I know that things can get very fraught but that goes beyond what I would be prepared to tolerate.

comoneileen · 20/11/2016 23:57

If you keep him you are sending the message that violence is acceptable.
This could be a chance for a wake up call. You might consider helping out with the deposit or giving him a few addresses too.

PickAChew · 21/11/2016 00:03

You don't have to live with this and you are perfectly within your rights to kick him out. Warn him first, just so there's no ambiguity, but do follow through.

He's old enough to be married and abuse his wife. He's old enough to deal with the consequences of his actions.

Original poster

TrickiVicki123 · 21/11/2016 07:58

Thanks for all your comments. I have not been spoke to since the incident and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife but at least there's no argueing. Dad is about but has not lived here for many years so I have brought the kids up on my own. I'm going to the council today to see what my options are but I'm dreading having the rent conversation again 😞

OP posts:

ZoFloMoFo · 21/11/2016 08:01

Kick him out.

He's 19, an adult and he's abusive.

If this was your husband you'd be getting told to call the police and let them know you'll be asking a violent partner to leave your home, and could they come and assist or at least be ready to rush over if needed.

I don't see why it should be any different just because it's your son.

Meadows76 · 21/11/2016 08:08

i don't see why it should be any different just because it's your son. I do. I think as parents we owe our children something. Now I am not saying him being abusive toward you OP is acceptable, but I do think it's something that you should be trying to get him help with. Support him and shape him into a decent human being. If you throw him out now he will probably continue on down the wrong path without anyone there to help him get back on track. All that said, there must be a backstory, kids don't just wake up like this one day so maybe you have tried it all already?

Original poster

TrickiVicki123 · 21/11/2016 08:36

He's always been an angry boy never to the extent of hitting me or anything like that. He's absolutely lovely and haas a heart of gold but once he's gone that's it no getting him back. My eldest daughter 21 is just finishing her last year at uni doing social work and she keeps telling me I've got to do something before he does something more aggressive but he refuses to go to the doctors says there's nothing wrong with him

OP posts:

ZoFloMoFo · 21/11/2016 08:48

I think at the point your own child is shouting at you, calling you a cunt and punching walls and doors, it's time for him to leave. If not, at what point do you draw the line?

You can still support him - and help him if he wants to help himself, just not in your home.

If you let him stay, all you're teaching him is that he needs to find a nice little wife who will put up with being financially, verbally and physically abused, and walk around him on eggshells, just like mum does.

Original poster

TrickiVicki123 · 21/11/2016 09:37

I totally agree I just feel I should be helping him teaching him instead of throwing him out to do or speak to people like crap. I'm going to get some plaster for the wall today and also find the part he broke when slamming the fridge shut as he gets paid next week so he can pay for it. I'm also going to write all the bills down and try explain how much things cost and that I'm not just being a nagging mum. I wish I had been a mum many years ago instead of there best friend 😞

OP posts:

specialsubject · 21/11/2016 11:09

Kick out and tell him he can come back when he has learned to decently. It is cold out there. Shame ..

specialsubject · 21/11/2016 11:10

To behave decently. Stupid website.

AvocadoGirl · 22/11/2016 01:01

Boot him. He's behaving abusively and damaging things.

Tell him he can come back when he's prepared to pay a decent rent and behave in a decent, respectful and responsible way.

minifingerz · 23/11/2016 11:57

You are not a therapist and you can't shape or control his behaviour now he is an adult, except by modelling appropriate adult behaviour yourself.

You have a right not to be abused in your own home. If I was in your shoes I would give him notice to leave.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/11/2016 17:31

Either he modifies his behaviour or he looks for alternative accommodation. Don't refer to it as you throwing him out.
If he raises his hand to you call the police.
If he threatens anyone else in your home, do the same.
If his good moods outweigh the bad and he is not beyond communication, talk to him on a good day during a quiet period, if possible while you are doing something so not making eye contact. I would probably aim to do this before DD next comes home so he doesn't feel ganged up on. Tell him you love him but not his actions when he flares up.

I would be honest, tell him you feel scared when he rages and you can't be tolerate that. Asssure him you're very willing to help him
a) seek counselling, (I'm thinking anger management) or
b) maybe create some space between you and help him find somewhere for him to live he can afford that's pleasant and comfortable handy for work nearby.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/11/2016 17:35

PS As he's got a salary coming in, paying something realistic to you each week is good preparation for living in the real world. Especially if you do his cooking and washing. Adult income goes on rent or a mortgage, energy bills, food, petrol etc if we run a car, phone charges. That's life. I bet he has more disposable income than you!

Meadows76 · 23/11/2016 17:55

You are not a therapist and you can't shape or control his behaviour now he is an adult, there in lies the problem. It's not the responsibility of a therapist As parents it is our job to support and help to shape our children regardless of their age. I genuinely can't understand why when they become adult in age everyone thinks it's fair game to let them fend for themselves regardless of their needs.

Just to clarify I'm not saying that his behaviour is in ANY way acceptable, but for people to suggest the OP simply absolve herself of any responsibility based on his age is ridiculous.

rebecca1997 · 11/04/2017 15:08

I have a 19 year old daughter ( works full time), a 14 year old boy ( been expelled from mainstream and in alternate provision, being tested for attention disorders and under camhs, also anger management) and two older ones who have left home. My daughter is constantly accusing me of the youngest being my favourite, never gets any punishment etc but is nasty, rude, calls me names etc then the youngest flips and last week they were actually fighting so badly I had to break it up hurting myself in the process. I am on dla so currently off work and she has openly said she will make life a misery until I sign to say she is homeless, no rent or housework etc from her but shes addicted to clothes shopping. I feel I am dealing with the youngest through various agencies and his behaviour with me is great but they just hate each other!!! she cries to her dad ( divorced ) who seems to take her side constantly ( lots of crocodile tears!) I refuse to declare her homeless but have said I will help her look for and try to help with deposit for a houseshare or similar as she is on a good wage, hate to say it but I DO want her to leave and it would be good for relationships all round! It is impossible to talk to her calmly and any attempted hugs etc are treated with foul language and pushing me off. What would be the best way to approach this in anybodies opinion as I feel shes a little bit old to be your usual teenage tantrum stage!!

minifingerz · 13/04/2017 23:12

"As parents it is our job to support and help to shape our children regardless of their age. "

There are different ways of supporting your adult children.

One way is to encourage them (or compel them if necessary) to assume normal adult responsibilities, as doing this is an important part of their life journey.

And no one should have to tolerate abuse from another adult in their own home, regardless of their relationship with them.

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