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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Almost 14 year old in a relationship?

19 replies

happymom41 · 09/10/2016 14:38

Youngest DD soon to be 14 started dating her boyfriend 6 months ago and and she came to me saying that they've been having sex for 2 months now. Part of me was happy that she came to me and was open about it but the other part of me just cringes at the fact she's having sex. I have an appointment to get her birth control and she said they always use condoms. Now I'm faced with the reality of whether I accept the fact and allow them privacy or should I supervise them closely and not let them have any time together to do it. My oldest DD is 16 and I'm ok with her and her bf being together but at 14 not sure I'm ready for youngest to do it. Who said parenting teens was fun.

OP posts:

Cluesue · 09/10/2016 14:40

Your 13 year old is having sex!!!
I'd be phoning the police !!!

Whatslovegottodo · 09/10/2016 14:42

Great she came to you and trusted you. However she is 13. My niece is 13 and I would be shocked if she was in a sexual relationship. I think it is far too much too young and you need to have a good long chat with her.

muttonjeffmum · 09/10/2016 14:46

How old is her boyfriend? Where have they been having sex? I'd be furious with the pair of them but at least she has now been open with you. I don't know what I would say my 14 year DD but I would be extremely worried about the emotional aspect of it all as well as the physical.

Carlamomof3 · 09/10/2016 14:51

13 is young but she's not the first 13 yr old to start having sex unfortunately. I would be having in depth conversations with her about the physical and emotional aspects and whether it was consensual and whether or not she was pressured into it. The fact she told you says a lot about your relationship so just keep talking to her. I know from my kids that once they start it's almost impossible to get them to stop. If the boyfriend is the same age as her I'd make sure you also talk to his parents and see what their rules are.

BennyTheBall · 09/10/2016 14:57

For heaven's sake - this is breaking the law, apart from being entirely inappropriate for a child!

Of course they shouldn't be doing it!

titchy · 09/10/2016 14:59

Well hopefully the place you have an appointment at will see sense and regard this as a huge concern even if you don't.

Original poster

happymom41 · 09/10/2016 15:00

Her boyfriend is her age and she says she wasn't pressured into it at all. But it's times like this that makes you wonder if you're failing as a mom. And up until finding this out I always liked her boyfriend.

OP posts:

BennyTheBall · 09/10/2016 15:01

So her boyfriend is 13 too? They are children.

He could face 2 years in prison.

What about acting like a responsible adult here?

Heratnumber7 · 09/10/2016 15:03

Well it takes two to tango, so don't dis the boyfriend. It might have been her idea.

I suppose the horse has bolted, so no point in stopping them seeing each other now.

My DD, several years older, had a contraceptive implant because she kept forgetting the pill. Might be a good idea for a 13yo, so Absolutely no chance of an accident.

SarcasmMode · 09/10/2016 15:08

I list my virginity at 17 and was too young.

At 13 no way was I emotionally ready for sed even if my body was.

I'm only 26 so hardly that far away from the age I did lose it.

I don't know where they've been having sex. Surely you don't leave them at home alone, in bedroom alone etc?

If she was 15 I could see the argument of just making sure she's protected etc but 13 is just too young.
Mid let them be together but make sure bedroom door always open, no being in the house on their own etc.

Kissing and cuddling lovely at that age but sex? Nope .

Btw I wasn't aware a 13 year old boy could be prosecuted for this?

NotSureYet · 09/10/2016 15:08

I had sex for the first time at fourteen with my boyfriend at the time. I wasn't pressured and was a more than willing participant. I made the decision that I was ready and we were both responsible with protection at all times.
I wish I felt it'd have been ok to tell my mum. Nothing she did made me feel like I couldn't tell but at fourteen I think it's normal to feel as though you're supposed to hide these kinds of things. It's awesome that she's talked to you about it.
We ended up skipping school and meeting at each other's house every time we wanted to have sex because there was no other way to get time alone in a private place at that age.
If kids are determined to have sex, they're going to have sex. You just have to make sure they know how to be safe and responsible and trust you raised them to make good decisions and take care of themselves.
I've suffered no negative effects in life as a result of having my first sexual relationship at that age.

bumblingbovine49 · 09/10/2016 15:15

"He could face 2 years in prison."

Rubbish if he is 13 as well, then he is doing nothing wrong that she isn't doing. By this reasoning the op's DD will go to prison too.

The law treats sex between children of the same (or very similar) age very differently than if there is an age difference.

www.themix.org.uk/crime-and-safety/your-rights/age-of-consent-9106.html

It is technically illegal for two 13 year olds to have sex but unless there is any evidence of strong cohersion on the part of one of them then the police are unlikely to prosecute either of the children. However that is not to say that allowing them to continue to have sex is a good idea.

This is very difficult and it is great that your DD felt able to tell you Do you think that she told you because she is secretly hoping that you might stop her?. I am not saying she was in any way coerced but she might have had sex willingly but be regretting it a bit now. Have you talked to her about the fact that she can stop whenever she wants to?

If she does want to continue you can of course try to put a stop to it and I can completely understand that view, though you do risk making it difficult for her to talk to you again about this sort of thing in future if you end up getting into a clash with her over this.

I would also be tempted to speak to the boys parents to let them know as it is likely he has not told them and to find out what their view is.

sandbagsatdawn · 09/10/2016 15:16

Yes it's illegal and yes it's not ideal, but a) it's great she talked to you rather than continuing to sneak around and b) there is no point forbidding it or calling the police. That will only lead to her resenting you and probably never telling you anything again, and will not stop her having sex if she wants to. On the consent front, it's worth having a conversation about how, just cos you've done it before doesn't mean you have to do it again, or on any particular occasion, as that's an easy trap for a young girl to get into.

Sofabitch · 09/10/2016 15:21

Laughing at those that say call the police.

You know at 13 they can get condoms and contraception from government agencies without parental involvement.

Sure it's not ideal. But as long as they are both the same age and you feel she isn't being pressured I to anything she doesn't want to do then take her to a sexual health clinic don't waste the police time

SheldonsSpot · 09/10/2016 15:24

You're seriously considering allowing two 13 year olds privacy , i.e. Providing a private space, for them to have sex?

No.

I'd be off to the GP with her to get some birth control, informing his parents of what's going on, and having a good talk with her, I certainly would not be providibg the two of them with 'privacy' to have sex.

She's 13, you're her parent, not her older sister or best friend.

dontpokethebear · 09/10/2016 15:24

I first had sex at 14 (with bf of 2 years). Very willing etc but it is only now that I realise how emotionally immature I was. I feel a bit sad about it all now.
I had a fairly unhealthy understanding of sex eg sex= love, for a long time. Which led me to have a string of disastrous relationships.
My advice would be to ensure she understands emotionally what is going on. That realistically her current bf is unlikely to be 'the one' and that she doesn't have to jump into bed with whoever is interested.

dontpokethebear · 09/10/2016 15:26

I also agree with talking to his parents and taking her to a family planning clinic. Perhaps the contra injection would be a good idea? You can then keep track of when she needs to go back and have it done again.

Original poster

happymom41 · 09/10/2016 15:26

Bumblingbovine, she told me because she wanted me to take her for bc and she said didn't want to keep secrets from me since she really didn't want to stop.

OP posts:

JanetRomano · 09/10/2016 16:20

I would suggest you check out:
Scarlateen.com, which is a great resource for both parents and teens

Also do a search on sex positive parenting which emphasizes how to raise your kids in a sexually healthy environment.

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